last night, i checked in with the tarot deck to see how my path is unfolding. i'm not the most adept tarot card reader, but for over a decade i've found that laying out the cards has really helped me put my life in perspective. what keeps coming up in my cards, and what came up last night was hard work accomplished: time to move on to new beginnings.
i'm getting there, but i want to give a pat on the back to my best pal and soul sister for her own "moving on" to a new job. a job that opens up her life so she can do all the creative things that she is meant to spend her time doing! she never fails to inspire me, even from 2,000 or so miles away...
at the hot springs retreat, a couple of the french broads (those are the gals who gather at hot springs) and i took a day trip to asheville where i took a look at my favorite bookstore for a new tarot deck. what i found has brought whimsy into what has lately been a somewhat somber soul search. it's the housewives tarot. and you can get a reading online. come on girls (and guys), discover your inner housewife:
http://www.housewivestarot.com/
Monday, January 07, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
beulahland
i never did tell you what happened to my foster kitties: the grey and white cat was adopted and moved back to virginia, while the black and white one has been christened "beulah" and become part of the judy branch circus.
why beulah?
in portland there is a bar called beulahland. even if it was a horrible dive (which it isn't), i would still love that place just for its name. i find it comforting to know that you can get a cold beer, sardine sandwich (if that's your thing) and a moon pie there. for those of you who don't get why that's so cool, study up on your old gospel tunes. beulahland is a classic, a real beauty of a song that is commonly sung in country churches in appalachia and the south. i reckon it's in the bible somewhere, referring to that place you go after you die. beulah got her name because there's a bar named after my favorite gospel tune. that sort of wonderful fusion seems to capture who she is.
in about a week's time, i should be walking through the doors of beulahland. and i mean for it to be the one that's in oregon. i think i'll order a bloody mary with my grilled cheese sandwich and save the sardines for my beulah back home. yum!
why beulah?
in portland there is a bar called beulahland. even if it was a horrible dive (which it isn't), i would still love that place just for its name. i find it comforting to know that you can get a cold beer, sardine sandwich (if that's your thing) and a moon pie there. for those of you who don't get why that's so cool, study up on your old gospel tunes. beulahland is a classic, a real beauty of a song that is commonly sung in country churches in appalachia and the south. i reckon it's in the bible somewhere, referring to that place you go after you die. beulah got her name because there's a bar named after my favorite gospel tune. that sort of wonderful fusion seems to capture who she is.
in about a week's time, i should be walking through the doors of beulahland. and i mean for it to be the one that's in oregon. i think i'll order a bloody mary with my grilled cheese sandwich and save the sardines for my beulah back home. yum!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
addle
(from the OED)
v. trans. To make addle; to muddle; to confuse (the brain); to spoil, make abortive.
a. In addle egg: ...A rotten or putrid egg; one that produces no chicken. Applied usually to a fecundated egg in which through exposure to cold the chick dies during hatching; but also to an egg having no germ, which soon begins to decompose; and apparently sometimes to an egg no longer fit for food because partly hatched. (The idea of abortiveness led to many word-plays on addle and idle.)
This word has kept popping into my head. I believe it is my brain's rebellion against two solid weeks of countless hours of writing within the confines of a few pages, or in today's case, in the space of 2,000 characters. After twelve or so hours at the keyboard, my back aching, my lower legs and toes numb and my fingers cramped and stiffened, my brain most certainly is addled, and if it has its way it would throw addled eggs at me until I quit this ridiculous behavior. I have no doubt, if it had the ability, my brain would have aborted my stubborn, workaholic spirit and gone out to celebrate the New Year doing anything other than writing a personal statement for a Ph.D. program.
I gifted myself with two Xmas presents this year: an online subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary and a new bicycle. So far, I have put the OED to great use, but not have not yet done a lot of pedaling about. The bicyle has been useful in cutting down the time it takes to do chores around Judy Branch, like feeding the dogs, squirrels, ducks and chickens when Bill and Billy Joe go out of town. The electronic OED has really made my life easier, and as much as I would love to sift through the millions of pages in those twenty volumes, my bank account and my recently stitched-up back are both grateful for my prudent decision to go cyber.
Now that I am coming to the close of one of three major writing projects, I may take a bit of a vacation from the laptop and the OED and just focus on those small pleasurable tasks of everyday life like washing my hair, cooking a proper meal, playing a little banjo, reading a book for pleasure, wrestling with the dogs and taking long walks in the snow. I'm even feeling eager to clean house.
For those of you who wonder if I've made any progress on "the big life change," two of those writing projects could clear paths in two very different directions. Is the move going to be toward intellectual reflection and scholarship in Yankeeland or a new direction within my current profession on the Left Coast? Only time will tell. I'll let you know when I get to that crossroad. Right now, I'm just pulling doors and seeing what's on the other side.
(from the OED)
v. trans. To make addle; to muddle; to confuse (the brain); to spoil, make abortive.
a. In addle egg: ...A rotten or putrid egg; one that produces no chicken. Applied usually to a fecundated egg in which through exposure to cold the chick dies during hatching; but also to an egg having no germ, which soon begins to decompose; and apparently sometimes to an egg no longer fit for food because partly hatched. (The idea of abortiveness led to many word-plays on addle and idle.)
This word has kept popping into my head. I believe it is my brain's rebellion against two solid weeks of countless hours of writing within the confines of a few pages, or in today's case, in the space of 2,000 characters. After twelve or so hours at the keyboard, my back aching, my lower legs and toes numb and my fingers cramped and stiffened, my brain most certainly is addled, and if it has its way it would throw addled eggs at me until I quit this ridiculous behavior. I have no doubt, if it had the ability, my brain would have aborted my stubborn, workaholic spirit and gone out to celebrate the New Year doing anything other than writing a personal statement for a Ph.D. program.
I gifted myself with two Xmas presents this year: an online subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary and a new bicycle. So far, I have put the OED to great use, but not have not yet done a lot of pedaling about. The bicyle has been useful in cutting down the time it takes to do chores around Judy Branch, like feeding the dogs, squirrels, ducks and chickens when Bill and Billy Joe go out of town. The electronic OED has really made my life easier, and as much as I would love to sift through the millions of pages in those twenty volumes, my bank account and my recently stitched-up back are both grateful for my prudent decision to go cyber.
Now that I am coming to the close of one of three major writing projects, I may take a bit of a vacation from the laptop and the OED and just focus on those small pleasurable tasks of everyday life like washing my hair, cooking a proper meal, playing a little banjo, reading a book for pleasure, wrestling with the dogs and taking long walks in the snow. I'm even feeling eager to clean house.
For those of you who wonder if I've made any progress on "the big life change," two of those writing projects could clear paths in two very different directions. Is the move going to be toward intellectual reflection and scholarship in Yankeeland or a new direction within my current profession on the Left Coast? Only time will tell. I'll let you know when I get to that crossroad. Right now, I'm just pulling doors and seeing what's on the other side.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Irish Coffees, Pizza and Xmas plays
I like living in a place where most people actually know each other. I like how around this time of year, school kids come over to both my workplaces to perform Xmas plays and have pizza parties. I like how the kids get a kick out of taking a field trip, even if it is just up the creek to the community center or downtown. I like that, on a good day, my coworkers at my downtown job offer me Irish Coffee and brunch.
Even though I've been feeling a bit antsy and discontented, there are quite a few things that I do like about my current situation. Foremost is that I get a nice balance of staying put (relatively speaking) and traveling about. Just a few more weeks, and I'll be back on that soggy oregon soil I love so much, drinking "damn good coffee," and soaking in as many tunes and as much city food as I can. A few weeks after that, there's a hectic weekend of hitting both New Orleans and Memphis to attend meetings, do presentations, eat a lot of good food and, of course, dance and play music into the early morn. I have to admit, work ain't so bad when it involves going to all these great cities to hang out with performing arts people and "folk" musicians. To add icing to the cake, my boss just told me that Johnny Ramone now has his interpretation of an old time band, and that they will be at the Folk Alliance meeting in Memphis. Ain't life strange and sometimes grand?
I'm not even sure how many trips I've made to the great NW and to NOLA the past couple of years. All I know is that I'll have to find a creative means to keep that travel-mojo working, because I can't stand the idea of not doing this year after year. And I still want to get back to Ukraine one day.
Travel really is an upper for me, despite how much of a homebody I can be. Now, if I can only figure out how to stay on a track that will support my habits... I've got a few possible paths in mind, but I'm not ready to tell you about them yet.
Even though I've been feeling a bit antsy and discontented, there are quite a few things that I do like about my current situation. Foremost is that I get a nice balance of staying put (relatively speaking) and traveling about. Just a few more weeks, and I'll be back on that soggy oregon soil I love so much, drinking "damn good coffee," and soaking in as many tunes and as much city food as I can. A few weeks after that, there's a hectic weekend of hitting both New Orleans and Memphis to attend meetings, do presentations, eat a lot of good food and, of course, dance and play music into the early morn. I have to admit, work ain't so bad when it involves going to all these great cities to hang out with performing arts people and "folk" musicians. To add icing to the cake, my boss just told me that Johnny Ramone now has his interpretation of an old time band, and that they will be at the Folk Alliance meeting in Memphis. Ain't life strange and sometimes grand?
I'm not even sure how many trips I've made to the great NW and to NOLA the past couple of years. All I know is that I'll have to find a creative means to keep that travel-mojo working, because I can't stand the idea of not doing this year after year. And I still want to get back to Ukraine one day.
Travel really is an upper for me, despite how much of a homebody I can be. Now, if I can only figure out how to stay on a track that will support my habits... I've got a few possible paths in mind, but I'm not ready to tell you about them yet.
Monday, December 10, 2007
From Summit City to Crescent City
More than a month has passed since my annual "birthday soak" retreat, and I now find myself in the last few hours of another kind of retreat. A very different kind of retreat, this getaway has given me something nearly opposite from the quiet, relaxed trance that lingered for weeks. Not too long after the hot springs contentment faded into memory, I found myself on a plane headed south, to New Orleans. I won't lie about my reasons. It was a business trip. But for me, and I'm sure for most others, going to New Orleans for business usually involves at least an equal amount of pleasure.
I used to secretly envy people who had one culture, one geography that they could claim as if a family heirloom. A continual string of family history- a gumbo of food, language, music and memory that kept them tied to one particular place. A part of me wanted to have grown up amongst an unending string of kinfolk, both proven and probable, and to intimately know the texture of the land that my ancestors' bodies knew.
When I come to New Orleans, I am reminded how wonderful it is to come from a family who comes from another place- not so distant, but so very different from the one where I was raised. My appreciation has grown from childhood summers chasing lizard chameleons and hunting crawdads in the thick, moist air of South Mississippi summers. The multilayered pleasure of sitting around Uncle Frank's kitchen table, peeling and eating fresh shrimp and listening to all the grown ups talk their way through the afternoon. Walking through the streets of the French Quarter with my mom in search of the best place to get a po' boy. Powdered sugar clinging to my sweat-coated skin after mom and I "cooled off" with cafe au lait and beignets. Riding the trolley up and down the route for hours in hopes of getting a breeze. Back then, I never even once thought about what it would have been like to have grown up down here. I wouldn't have traded anything for the tumbling creeks, soft cool humidity and rolling hills of my Smoky Mountain home.
The older I've gotten, the more open I am to seeing these root places - the places where my family came from - as a place that I could live also. I don't imagine I'll ever move to Mississippi or Louisiana, but with each year they feel more and more like home.
I used to secretly envy people who had one culture, one geography that they could claim as if a family heirloom. A continual string of family history- a gumbo of food, language, music and memory that kept them tied to one particular place. A part of me wanted to have grown up amongst an unending string of kinfolk, both proven and probable, and to intimately know the texture of the land that my ancestors' bodies knew.
When I come to New Orleans, I am reminded how wonderful it is to come from a family who comes from another place- not so distant, but so very different from the one where I was raised. My appreciation has grown from childhood summers chasing lizard chameleons and hunting crawdads in the thick, moist air of South Mississippi summers. The multilayered pleasure of sitting around Uncle Frank's kitchen table, peeling and eating fresh shrimp and listening to all the grown ups talk their way through the afternoon. Walking through the streets of the French Quarter with my mom in search of the best place to get a po' boy. Powdered sugar clinging to my sweat-coated skin after mom and I "cooled off" with cafe au lait and beignets. Riding the trolley up and down the route for hours in hopes of getting a breeze. Back then, I never even once thought about what it would have been like to have grown up down here. I wouldn't have traded anything for the tumbling creeks, soft cool humidity and rolling hills of my Smoky Mountain home.
The older I've gotten, the more open I am to seeing these root places - the places where my family came from - as a place that I could live also. I don't imagine I'll ever move to Mississippi or Louisiana, but with each year they feel more and more like home.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
retreat
this past weekend i retreated down to the banks of the french broad river, to soak in hot springs and nestle myself in the familiar landscape of my childhood home. i guess that to some folks there is not much noticeable difference between the blue ridge mountains of the tennessee/north carolina boarder and the cumberlands of kentucky or the clinch mountains of virginia. but i certainly can tell the difference - with every sense in my body.
it's been nearly a decade since i first started the ritual of retreating to hot springs for my birthday. each year i have retreated with a small group of my closest friends, and we have enjoyed a few days of pure, deliberate relaxation. this year was one of the best hot springs weekends ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.
i have never been an incredibly social person. i would actually classify myself as socially awkward. i do really well at networking and being a hostess, but when it comes down to friendships, i am much better at connecting to individual people rather than a group. most of my life i have had an eclectic mix of close friends who, for the most part, don't really know each other. and one of my favorite things in life are those moments when i bring those people together. hot springs was just that this year.
and what was even more special was that i got to see my friends AND family enjoying each other's company over wonderful food, music and mountains. bella got permission to stay at the cabin and the folks also came up and stayed in their own little cabin down the path.
i know i still have a lot to get through and some tough decisions to make, but for now, i am enjoying the "hangover" of a truly blissful, relaxing weekend.
it's been nearly a decade since i first started the ritual of retreating to hot springs for my birthday. each year i have retreated with a small group of my closest friends, and we have enjoyed a few days of pure, deliberate relaxation. this year was one of the best hot springs weekends ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.
i have never been an incredibly social person. i would actually classify myself as socially awkward. i do really well at networking and being a hostess, but when it comes down to friendships, i am much better at connecting to individual people rather than a group. most of my life i have had an eclectic mix of close friends who, for the most part, don't really know each other. and one of my favorite things in life are those moments when i bring those people together. hot springs was just that this year.
and what was even more special was that i got to see my friends AND family enjoying each other's company over wonderful food, music and mountains. bella got permission to stay at the cabin and the folks also came up and stayed in their own little cabin down the path.
i know i still have a lot to get through and some tough decisions to make, but for now, i am enjoying the "hangover" of a truly blissful, relaxing weekend.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
the sweetest sound
steady rain falling on tin roof and autumn leaf. the ground sighing with sweet relief. judy branch refilling herself into life swell.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
orphans
when i was growing up, i lived in a one-dog house. before bella, there were two critters in my life. rascal, then samantha. both died of old age. my granny and aunt's houses were a bit different. they lived next door to each other, and between the two households, you'd think you'd found the inspirtation for doctor doolittle. both granny and aunt nancy had big hearts when it came to critters. they couldn't turn down a stray cat or pass by a turtle trying to cross a busy road. I loved going to visit them, and i loved the zoo that, for the most part, was housed at aunt nancy's. she had such a big heart that she managed to provide a loving home to a hedgehog that had been an abandoned class pet.
this weekend i was working at a festival. all weekend, the local animal rescue group had a shaded area with kennels set up with critters who needed a home. between setting the stage for bands, i would check up on the different critters to find out whether or not they had found a home. i have to give it to those folks. they do such a great job. i believe they found homes for 27 cats and dogs this weekend. only two animals were left at the end of the festival today. two adolescent cats, both gals and both small built. one gray and white, one black and white. they were from the pound and due to be put down on monday if they had not been adopted.
guess who is now a foster mom? i've got them in the basement right now, and i think they are settled in okay. the black and white, who was so shy, ends up to be the cuddler. if i end up keeping either one, i think it will be her.
tomorrow, i'll try to get them both rounded back up and into their crates so i can take them to the vet to get shots, etc. then, it's figuring out how to introduce them to the family. right now we are all three lounged on the couch together. bella, legs straight up in the air, sound asleep. sid vicious here on my lap, and rosalee just above us, slumbering on the back of the couch.
i think i'd name the black & white gal, blackey. if i keep her. it will be really stressful for sid and rosie, and i dread upsetting the balance. but with the heart that i have... what else could i do?
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
not going to kill myself...
okay, so i realize that my more recent blog posts have pretty much been total downers. even i am starting to realize that i am probably suffering from depression. but i assure you all that i am not going to kill myself.
i do need to figure out how to get out of this slump, and i feel so lost on how to do that. i know that dealing with the surgery recovery pains isn't helping the situation.
today i am thankful for rain. it finally rained a real shower and i think it may keep raining for a couple of days! sunday i went to see lee and play a little banjo. i got some pickled beans and goose beans and one other kind of green bean, which make up for my lack of gardening this year.
i do need to figure out how to get out of this slump, and i feel so lost on how to do that. i know that dealing with the surgery recovery pains isn't helping the situation.
today i am thankful for rain. it finally rained a real shower and i think it may keep raining for a couple of days! sunday i went to see lee and play a little banjo. i got some pickled beans and goose beans and one other kind of green bean, which make up for my lack of gardening this year.
Monday, October 08, 2007
too tired to try, too tired to care
since i was a little girl, i've always felt a strong need to make a difference. a deep need to have my life mean something and a feeling that life wasn't worth living unless you try to make the world a better place.
lately, i've been feeling really, really tired and drained of hope on just about every level. i don't believe in myself right now, and i don't really have any hope for my life to get better. i know what i'm supposed to do when i get in a slump: explore new paths, try to discover other ways i can make a difference and lead a meaningful life. and sure, i'm trying that, but i have to admit, the best i can do right now is pretty half-hearted.
maybe i shouldn't admit all this openly on my blog, but i'm to the point where i just don't care. i'm starting to think i've been naive and believed in people and organizations i shouldn't have believed in, willingly opened up to people when i probably would have been better off just keeping to myself. the past few months, i've seen the life of an old friend-a former inspiration- unravel on newspaper pages. i didn't take the time to go visit my granny-my best friend in all my life- before i went off to poland, and she died four days before i got home. i broke down and let my parents know that i have no fucking clue what i'm doing with my life, and my dad is now terrified of me. he's scared because he doesn't know how to help me, and i guess he is seeing that i don't know how to help myself right now.
all i ever wanted to do was to be a good person, and in doing so to make my folks proud of me and to maybe win the love of a companion that walks on two legs. i am grateful for my four-legged company, and i know that my family will be proud of me no matter what i do. so why do i feel like there's no hope for me, no matter what i do?
lately, i've been feeling really, really tired and drained of hope on just about every level. i don't believe in myself right now, and i don't really have any hope for my life to get better. i know what i'm supposed to do when i get in a slump: explore new paths, try to discover other ways i can make a difference and lead a meaningful life. and sure, i'm trying that, but i have to admit, the best i can do right now is pretty half-hearted.
maybe i shouldn't admit all this openly on my blog, but i'm to the point where i just don't care. i'm starting to think i've been naive and believed in people and organizations i shouldn't have believed in, willingly opened up to people when i probably would have been better off just keeping to myself. the past few months, i've seen the life of an old friend-a former inspiration- unravel on newspaper pages. i didn't take the time to go visit my granny-my best friend in all my life- before i went off to poland, and she died four days before i got home. i broke down and let my parents know that i have no fucking clue what i'm doing with my life, and my dad is now terrified of me. he's scared because he doesn't know how to help me, and i guess he is seeing that i don't know how to help myself right now.
all i ever wanted to do was to be a good person, and in doing so to make my folks proud of me and to maybe win the love of a companion that walks on two legs. i am grateful for my four-legged company, and i know that my family will be proud of me no matter what i do. so why do i feel like there's no hope for me, no matter what i do?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Best Dad, ever!
Just wanted to say that I think my dad is the best dad ever. He is such a thoughtful, kind person. And while I am incredibly thankful for all my family and friends, I have always felt a deep gratitude for the friendship I have always shared with my dad.
Recently, he gave me a book that I enjoyed - much more than I really expected: _10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs His Job)_ by Rev. Oliver "Buzz" Thomas. Having quit going to church when I was about 17, I was really stunned by how this little book pretty much covered every single reason why I gave up on most Christian churches. Yet it was, for the most part a positive book, mostly in that it demonstrated that there are a few other Christians out there who are like my dad. People who believe that discrimination of any kind is an abomination before god, that the most important lessons one can learn from the bible are those that Jesus emphasized: to love thy neighbor and to judge not, lest you be judged.
This little book puts into fairly concise words, the kind of thoughts my dad would share with me about spirituality. Thanks to my family, and especially my dad for encouraging me to use my heart, brain & my instinct when it comes to those bigger questions in life!
Recently, he gave me a book that I enjoyed - much more than I really expected: _10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs His Job)_ by Rev. Oliver "Buzz" Thomas. Having quit going to church when I was about 17, I was really stunned by how this little book pretty much covered every single reason why I gave up on most Christian churches. Yet it was, for the most part a positive book, mostly in that it demonstrated that there are a few other Christians out there who are like my dad. People who believe that discrimination of any kind is an abomination before god, that the most important lessons one can learn from the bible are those that Jesus emphasized: to love thy neighbor and to judge not, lest you be judged.
This little book puts into fairly concise words, the kind of thoughts my dad would share with me about spirituality. Thanks to my family, and especially my dad for encouraging me to use my heart, brain & my instinct when it comes to those bigger questions in life!
Saturday, September 29, 2007
good to be back home
bella & i are back on judy branch and enjoying the comforts of being home. not much has changed in the hollow. the loggers are finished logging (thank goodness!), and so all is peace & quiet here. bella is really enjoying the freedoms of running amok with her buddies and then coming home to belly rubs, a bowl-full of food and a good night's sleep in the country. her grandmama really spoiled her while she was in TN, but I think the perks of being out in the hollow are making up for the lack of roast beef.
Monday, September 24, 2007
return
today, i get the staples pulled out of my back and then bella and i can embark on the long journey home to judy branch.
i managed to clean out a long of old baggage from my old room at the parents' house, and maybe i can do some of the same at my own house. i am ready to let go of a lot of old stuff, and i know that it's long overdue. i have always had such a hard time letting go, whether it be memories, desires, old feelings or sentimental objects. even past friendships.
there are some people who are in your life for the long haul, and there are those who are part of your life just for a brief spell. i tend to believe that people cross each others paths and become part of each others lives for some sort of reason that is beyond any one person's understanding. we can only begin to grasp, usually in hindsight, the beautiful sense that it makes that such people are part of our journey. spending two weeks at my childhood home, cleaning out so many years of my life- it's been cathartic. there's so much that i have held onto for all these years, stowing it away in my childhood closet. the novel i wrote in 8th grade, inspired by my obsession with laura palmer and twin peaks (it was titled "the diary"). fingerpaintings that my friend erin & i painted when we were snowed in during the blizzard of 93. diaries and journals going back as far as 5th grade. and print outs of my first encounter with email, freshman year of college. most were from my aunt nancy, who has been dead now for five years.
i'm really grateful that i've maintained relationships with quite a few people going all the way back to elementary or middle school, and i need to remember that, even though i don't often reach out, that there are folks out there who really know me, have known me for years, and they still love me! some old friends... well, i sometimes wish i could just clear out of my emotional hard drive and not be concerned or even care about anymore. the heart - well, at least my heart - doesn't work that way. but i do feel like i'm taking steps toward letting go and moving on to whatever it is that i am destined to do next.
i managed to clean out a long of old baggage from my old room at the parents' house, and maybe i can do some of the same at my own house. i am ready to let go of a lot of old stuff, and i know that it's long overdue. i have always had such a hard time letting go, whether it be memories, desires, old feelings or sentimental objects. even past friendships.
there are some people who are in your life for the long haul, and there are those who are part of your life just for a brief spell. i tend to believe that people cross each others paths and become part of each others lives for some sort of reason that is beyond any one person's understanding. we can only begin to grasp, usually in hindsight, the beautiful sense that it makes that such people are part of our journey. spending two weeks at my childhood home, cleaning out so many years of my life- it's been cathartic. there's so much that i have held onto for all these years, stowing it away in my childhood closet. the novel i wrote in 8th grade, inspired by my obsession with laura palmer and twin peaks (it was titled "the diary"). fingerpaintings that my friend erin & i painted when we were snowed in during the blizzard of 93. diaries and journals going back as far as 5th grade. and print outs of my first encounter with email, freshman year of college. most were from my aunt nancy, who has been dead now for five years.
i'm really grateful that i've maintained relationships with quite a few people going all the way back to elementary or middle school, and i need to remember that, even though i don't often reach out, that there are folks out there who really know me, have known me for years, and they still love me! some old friends... well, i sometimes wish i could just clear out of my emotional hard drive and not be concerned or even care about anymore. the heart - well, at least my heart - doesn't work that way. but i do feel like i'm taking steps toward letting go and moving on to whatever it is that i am destined to do next.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
what is happening to me?!
i am truly amazed at how much this surgery has taken out of me. going into it, i really did expect to be up for driving back up to KY and then returning for my "de-stapling" appointment. the reality has been that the most laid back activities, especially those which involve leaving the house, leave me exhausted. winded, even!
over the past few days i have tried to get out and about and get myself reaccustomed to ordinary life. bella and i met my friend sarah for a picnic lunch, and we had a nice stroll through the park. i was totally spent by the time i got home. the next day, i took it easy all day, and then i went out to knoxville for a "ladies night" of great food, getting acquainted with new & old friends and some really great music making merriment. it was really fun, and i realized how rare it is for me to get together in a social situation with other young women (or men, for that matter) of my age group. at times, during the evening, i sort of freaked out in my own mind. while this whole situation seemed so natural and almost routine for the rest of the people there (they are all in a band together...), i felt like i was in a new world - one i didn't quite "get" yet, but that seemed really lovely. i thought on this for most of the next day, as i was recovering from the toll of my outing, and i realized that i really have lost my ability to be comfortable in a purely social situation. i am so accustomed to any social encounter being somehow related to my current jobs, that i have no idea how to be myself outside of that realm. or if there is a me outside of that role anymore!
i fully reinforced this theory when i joined a couple of my friends yesterday afternoon to catch a movie in downtown knoxville and then hit a few patio cafes on the market square. my two friends knew all sort of people who, of course, came up to talk with us and were very interesting people from our age group (30 to 40 somethings). and while i did fine to make conversation, there were so many moments when i thought, "i could never move back here and fit in with all these people. i would just cower at home with my critters."
at times i've toyed with the idea of moving back home. lately when i've come back to see how much is actually happening around here, i really think that it might be the right choice. but then i have moments like i did this weekend, where i think that my time out in the hollows has permanently disabled me socially. perhaps, i never had those skills to begin with, and that's why i've ended up where i am. i really like to have a lot of time and space to myself. i despise small talk, and i don't even try to be good at it. i have a hard time pretending to like people who i know really don't like me. i really don't know how to relate to people very well outside of a collaborative working situation, as a hostess (often also a work situation) or as a friend. and i don't tend to have a lot of friends - usually just a few meaningful friendships - real connections - do me just fine. and those people are scattered across the globe. they hardly ever have to put up with me in person, and that may be a factor in why we're still friends!
i used to think my social skills were primarily lacking when it came to dating, and recently i've been pained with the reminder that i am extradorinarily talented at scaring off potenial loves by either ignoring them and fiercely holding on to my current path or by speedily scaring them off with my openess and my ignorance about how a romance is supposed to progress. i'll admit it. i have no idea how to date, and i don't think i'm going to be given many (if any) opportunities to find out. honestly, i'd rather not. i'd rather it just fall in to place, no matter how badly i (inadvertently) try to botch it up.
i am now officially paranoid that i am doomed to an existence as a hillbilly recluse, even though i really love (and often crave) those brief interactions with people of my own age group. there are all these people out there who i could imagine as a regular part of my life, but whose world in which i cannot imagine myself ever finding my place.
i am really homesick for judy branch and i am really confused about how long i should stay out there or where else i could possibly go. when i start feeling this way, the big cold waves of the ocean out in the Pacific NW and the shores of Scotland call to me. i could rest myself upon rock faces overlooking the sea and stay there forever.
over the past few days i have tried to get out and about and get myself reaccustomed to ordinary life. bella and i met my friend sarah for a picnic lunch, and we had a nice stroll through the park. i was totally spent by the time i got home. the next day, i took it easy all day, and then i went out to knoxville for a "ladies night" of great food, getting acquainted with new & old friends and some really great music making merriment. it was really fun, and i realized how rare it is for me to get together in a social situation with other young women (or men, for that matter) of my age group. at times, during the evening, i sort of freaked out in my own mind. while this whole situation seemed so natural and almost routine for the rest of the people there (they are all in a band together...), i felt like i was in a new world - one i didn't quite "get" yet, but that seemed really lovely. i thought on this for most of the next day, as i was recovering from the toll of my outing, and i realized that i really have lost my ability to be comfortable in a purely social situation. i am so accustomed to any social encounter being somehow related to my current jobs, that i have no idea how to be myself outside of that realm. or if there is a me outside of that role anymore!
i fully reinforced this theory when i joined a couple of my friends yesterday afternoon to catch a movie in downtown knoxville and then hit a few patio cafes on the market square. my two friends knew all sort of people who, of course, came up to talk with us and were very interesting people from our age group (30 to 40 somethings). and while i did fine to make conversation, there were so many moments when i thought, "i could never move back here and fit in with all these people. i would just cower at home with my critters."
at times i've toyed with the idea of moving back home. lately when i've come back to see how much is actually happening around here, i really think that it might be the right choice. but then i have moments like i did this weekend, where i think that my time out in the hollows has permanently disabled me socially. perhaps, i never had those skills to begin with, and that's why i've ended up where i am. i really like to have a lot of time and space to myself. i despise small talk, and i don't even try to be good at it. i have a hard time pretending to like people who i know really don't like me. i really don't know how to relate to people very well outside of a collaborative working situation, as a hostess (often also a work situation) or as a friend. and i don't tend to have a lot of friends - usually just a few meaningful friendships - real connections - do me just fine. and those people are scattered across the globe. they hardly ever have to put up with me in person, and that may be a factor in why we're still friends!
i used to think my social skills were primarily lacking when it came to dating, and recently i've been pained with the reminder that i am extradorinarily talented at scaring off potenial loves by either ignoring them and fiercely holding on to my current path or by speedily scaring them off with my openess and my ignorance about how a romance is supposed to progress. i'll admit it. i have no idea how to date, and i don't think i'm going to be given many (if any) opportunities to find out. honestly, i'd rather not. i'd rather it just fall in to place, no matter how badly i (inadvertently) try to botch it up.
i am now officially paranoid that i am doomed to an existence as a hillbilly recluse, even though i really love (and often crave) those brief interactions with people of my own age group. there are all these people out there who i could imagine as a regular part of my life, but whose world in which i cannot imagine myself ever finding my place.
i am really homesick for judy branch and i am really confused about how long i should stay out there or where else i could possibly go. when i start feeling this way, the big cold waves of the ocean out in the Pacific NW and the shores of Scotland call to me. i could rest myself upon rock faces overlooking the sea and stay there forever.
Monday, September 17, 2007
ramblings from recovery/ house arrest
Prior to surgery, my surgeon told me I could expect a lingering pain in the ass. That seems to be the last to leave, he said. Well, I can't say I've literally had a pain in the ass since I came off the cutting board, but having metal staples sticking out of my lower back counts in my book as a real pain in the ass!
The surgery I had was to shave off part of a herniated disc on the left side, between the L4 and L5 on the lower part of my spine. This is the culprit that has been causing me a lot of pain, discomfort and has hampered my rough and ready lifestyle on Judy Branch for about 9 months. And it all happened from one heavy log being tossed from the back of a truck into the wood shed. That was my own personal happy 30th bday present to myself last November. I think I'll take it easy this year - and hopefully for another decade or two! After months of playing the ridiculous games that insurance companies make us play, I finally got an MRI and was able to revel in the oooohs and ahhhhs that all the medical professionals did over the severity of my herniated disc. Apparently, I am an over-achiever on more levels than I ever knew!
And now?! Well, I have about a week left of not being allowed to sit for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. No long car rides. No bending; no lifting. And no Judy Branch. That's the worst! I may be able to go home for a couple of days before the staples come back, but after my attempt to drive my car across town today, I can see why they told me no long car trips. Large, sharp metal pieces protruding from one's lower back is NOT condusive to driving - esp. when you have really great lumbar supporting seats like I do in my car.
I'm hoping to be coherent enough over the next couple of days to be able to have some old hometown friends over to play some music. Otherwise, I'm just reverting to my usual : work, work and more work! It won't be all work-work. I'm going to make my parents' really happy by using some of my confinement time to clean out my old room so that they can remodel and do with it as they please. So far, so good. I've found some really great old letters from my aunt Nancy - actually, early emails from the first year I went to college AND the first year I think email became public and mainstream! Artifacts that I'm really glad I saved. More treasure hunting and trash bag filling tomorrow. As long as I don't bend, lift, etc..
I'm hoping to mend my heart and soul a little bit too while I'm here. I go through phases where I'm really happy and confident that I made the right decision to stay one more year and work with the community center and my old job while planning out what the next steps will be. Then I am hit by a surge of doubt and depression. Am I ever really going to fully have the life I want? It is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like there's immense potential for me to build a meaningful, fulfilled life to feeling like I will always be along, struggling to figure out my place in the world. I don't ever seem to land in between. It's from one to the other.
I am content on many levels in my life. I feel confident in my abilities in my jobs and in my role in my community - which really is intergral to my current career. I feel loved and supported by my families - which include an extended network of kin and friend across the globe, and I am continually humbled by how fortunate I am to love and be loved by such extraordinary people, including, of course, my steadfast companion Bella. I have a really big heart, and I love my family and friends with devotion and passion. I also give this kind of love to my work. And I get a lot back.
But, still there is something missing.
The surgery I had was to shave off part of a herniated disc on the left side, between the L4 and L5 on the lower part of my spine. This is the culprit that has been causing me a lot of pain, discomfort and has hampered my rough and ready lifestyle on Judy Branch for about 9 months. And it all happened from one heavy log being tossed from the back of a truck into the wood shed. That was my own personal happy 30th bday present to myself last November. I think I'll take it easy this year - and hopefully for another decade or two! After months of playing the ridiculous games that insurance companies make us play, I finally got an MRI and was able to revel in the oooohs and ahhhhs that all the medical professionals did over the severity of my herniated disc. Apparently, I am an over-achiever on more levels than I ever knew!
And now?! Well, I have about a week left of not being allowed to sit for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. No long car rides. No bending; no lifting. And no Judy Branch. That's the worst! I may be able to go home for a couple of days before the staples come back, but after my attempt to drive my car across town today, I can see why they told me no long car trips. Large, sharp metal pieces protruding from one's lower back is NOT condusive to driving - esp. when you have really great lumbar supporting seats like I do in my car.
I'm hoping to be coherent enough over the next couple of days to be able to have some old hometown friends over to play some music. Otherwise, I'm just reverting to my usual : work, work and more work! It won't be all work-work. I'm going to make my parents' really happy by using some of my confinement time to clean out my old room so that they can remodel and do with it as they please. So far, so good. I've found some really great old letters from my aunt Nancy - actually, early emails from the first year I went to college AND the first year I think email became public and mainstream! Artifacts that I'm really glad I saved. More treasure hunting and trash bag filling tomorrow. As long as I don't bend, lift, etc..
I'm hoping to mend my heart and soul a little bit too while I'm here. I go through phases where I'm really happy and confident that I made the right decision to stay one more year and work with the community center and my old job while planning out what the next steps will be. Then I am hit by a surge of doubt and depression. Am I ever really going to fully have the life I want? It is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like there's immense potential for me to build a meaningful, fulfilled life to feeling like I will always be along, struggling to figure out my place in the world. I don't ever seem to land in between. It's from one to the other.
I am content on many levels in my life. I feel confident in my abilities in my jobs and in my role in my community - which really is intergral to my current career. I feel loved and supported by my families - which include an extended network of kin and friend across the globe, and I am continually humbled by how fortunate I am to love and be loved by such extraordinary people, including, of course, my steadfast companion Bella. I have a really big heart, and I love my family and friends with devotion and passion. I also give this kind of love to my work. And I get a lot back.
But, still there is something missing.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Ouch... er, and where I am I?
Had back surgery today. The worst bit is coming out of anastesia. And that part seems to last forever.
Urg.
Urg.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Rekindling the heart fire
Love can so swiftly lift you up from the deepest plunges of depression. And, even with the loss of my granny's earthly presence, I feel so blessed by a love that seems to sweep upon me when I begin to plunge. My granny loved and understood me better than anyone else on this earth, and I can feel her with me every moment. And I can feel her love swell and intensify as it is joined by the love I soak up from so many beings.
Tonight, I am humbled by the amazing, wildly, widely dispersed group of people who sweep into to my life and within mere moments lift me out of self loathing and heartache and bring me into a family of belonging.
I am loved on so many levels and by so many creatures, fuzzy, human and/or any combination or derivation thereof.
Tonight, I feel blessed, and I feel alive. And I am exhausted from living every moment of this day interacting with people in my community, sharing songs and stories and bringing people together - my friends from the Carpetbag Theatre Ensemble and my friends from these hollows and mountains. It's moments from days like today that remind me why I am here, doing what I do. How could I not decide to spend another year on Judy Branch when there are so many more moments to bring forth?
Your life is what you make of it, and even though I know I won't be here forever (none of us will be, will we?), I am going to make the most out of the moments I have here and be grateful of the blessing of being here.
Tonight, my love goes out to all those people in my life with whom I get to share my moments, whether in person or in word. I send my love out to you, and receive yours with such humble gratefulness and tears of joy.
Autumn IS a great time for road trips and for visits, and I'm hoping that those of you who have been wanting to see and experience for yourself, will come see me on Judy Branch real soon! This Little Bird always enjoys having company around!
Tonight, I am humbled by the amazing, wildly, widely dispersed group of people who sweep into to my life and within mere moments lift me out of self loathing and heartache and bring me into a family of belonging.
I am loved on so many levels and by so many creatures, fuzzy, human and/or any combination or derivation thereof.
Tonight, I feel blessed, and I feel alive. And I am exhausted from living every moment of this day interacting with people in my community, sharing songs and stories and bringing people together - my friends from the Carpetbag Theatre Ensemble and my friends from these hollows and mountains. It's moments from days like today that remind me why I am here, doing what I do. How could I not decide to spend another year on Judy Branch when there are so many more moments to bring forth?
Your life is what you make of it, and even though I know I won't be here forever (none of us will be, will we?), I am going to make the most out of the moments I have here and be grateful of the blessing of being here.
Tonight, my love goes out to all those people in my life with whom I get to share my moments, whether in person or in word. I send my love out to you, and receive yours with such humble gratefulness and tears of joy.
Autumn IS a great time for road trips and for visits, and I'm hoping that those of you who have been wanting to see and experience for yourself, will come see me on Judy Branch real soon! This Little Bird always enjoys having company around!
Monday, September 03, 2007
Hearts are stupid
That's why you should never wear them on your sleeve.
I really wish my Granny were still alive. Just knowing I could always call her, even at 2 AM, sure made living out in the middle of nowhere a much more tolerable experience than it is right now. I'm feeling lonesome something terrible, and I'm even more blue now that I know that my geographic location is an effective repellent for potential suitors. Long distance works just fine for a great array of friends, but I guess it really isn't a way to go about romance. Although I've heard tell of it working out just fine for some. In fact, one of my old college roommates has met her match (they're talking marriage) on some internet dating network like Match.com. I do have cable internet... maybe it's time to give cyber dating a try?
I'm thinking about giving up my blog, because it seems I really don't write that much in it, and I am not even sure if anyone really reads it. I'm not even sure why I'm writing right now.
Well, I do know. I've got coffee cake and cornbread in the oven, and there's a good twenty or thirty minutes left until I can take them out and call it a night. Tomorrow, I have double duty, with an early meeting to go over finances and budgets at one job and then an 8 member (plus two small children) theater ensemble arriving around lunchtime to begin a week-long residency. It's going to be one hell of a busy week.
And sometime, I need to find the time to go out to Lee's for a visit. He had a bout of bad health, and I've been trying to give him time to recover. He came by to see me at work a couple of weeks ago, though, and he's been wanting me to come out and play. I think that would do me a world of good. I may yet become a banjo player. I'm going to try to get a grant to study up some more with one of my favorite KY women banjo players. We'll see if it comes through. That may make it worth my while to stay here another year.
I just wish I could find some remedy for my lonesome heart, especially since it seems almost as good at scaring off potential suitors as my geographic location.
I really wish my Granny were still alive. Just knowing I could always call her, even at 2 AM, sure made living out in the middle of nowhere a much more tolerable experience than it is right now. I'm feeling lonesome something terrible, and I'm even more blue now that I know that my geographic location is an effective repellent for potential suitors. Long distance works just fine for a great array of friends, but I guess it really isn't a way to go about romance. Although I've heard tell of it working out just fine for some. In fact, one of my old college roommates has met her match (they're talking marriage) on some internet dating network like Match.com. I do have cable internet... maybe it's time to give cyber dating a try?
I'm thinking about giving up my blog, because it seems I really don't write that much in it, and I am not even sure if anyone really reads it. I'm not even sure why I'm writing right now.
Well, I do know. I've got coffee cake and cornbread in the oven, and there's a good twenty or thirty minutes left until I can take them out and call it a night. Tomorrow, I have double duty, with an early meeting to go over finances and budgets at one job and then an 8 member (plus two small children) theater ensemble arriving around lunchtime to begin a week-long residency. It's going to be one hell of a busy week.
And sometime, I need to find the time to go out to Lee's for a visit. He had a bout of bad health, and I've been trying to give him time to recover. He came by to see me at work a couple of weeks ago, though, and he's been wanting me to come out and play. I think that would do me a world of good. I may yet become a banjo player. I'm going to try to get a grant to study up some more with one of my favorite KY women banjo players. We'll see if it comes through. That may make it worth my while to stay here another year.
I just wish I could find some remedy for my lonesome heart, especially since it seems almost as good at scaring off potential suitors as my geographic location.
Monday, August 27, 2007
nevermind
i am incredibly excited about this year. i'm going to play a whole lotta banjo.
and plus, i think my dog bella has super powers to run faster than any other dog on the planet.
maybe i'll enter her in the ky derby...
and plus, i think my dog bella has super powers to run faster than any other dog on the planet.
maybe i'll enter her in the ky derby...
Sunday, August 26, 2007
nagging doubts...
Now that I've decided to try staying put for another year, I'm beginning to feel creeping doubts sneaking up on me. It happens when I try to sleep at night. When I'm devising garden defense plans against the rapidly multiplying deer population. When I'm sitting at home alone at night. Am I making the right decision? How will I keep from going stir crazy or falling into another deep depression if I spend another year here in the backwoods?
Oh dear.
Oh dear.
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