since i was a little girl, i've always felt a strong need to make a difference. a deep need to have my life mean something and a feeling that life wasn't worth living unless you try to make the world a better place.
lately, i've been feeling really, really tired and drained of hope on just about every level. i don't believe in myself right now, and i don't really have any hope for my life to get better. i know what i'm supposed to do when i get in a slump: explore new paths, try to discover other ways i can make a difference and lead a meaningful life. and sure, i'm trying that, but i have to admit, the best i can do right now is pretty half-hearted.
maybe i shouldn't admit all this openly on my blog, but i'm to the point where i just don't care. i'm starting to think i've been naive and believed in people and organizations i shouldn't have believed in, willingly opened up to people when i probably would have been better off just keeping to myself. the past few months, i've seen the life of an old friend-a former inspiration- unravel on newspaper pages. i didn't take the time to go visit my granny-my best friend in all my life- before i went off to poland, and she died four days before i got home. i broke down and let my parents know that i have no fucking clue what i'm doing with my life, and my dad is now terrified of me. he's scared because he doesn't know how to help me, and i guess he is seeing that i don't know how to help myself right now.
all i ever wanted to do was to be a good person, and in doing so to make my folks proud of me and to maybe win the love of a companion that walks on two legs. i am grateful for my four-legged company, and i know that my family will be proud of me no matter what i do. so why do i feel like there's no hope for me, no matter what i do?
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2 comments:
"We only know about ourselves and what we read in the papers."
You believe everything you read in the papers about an old friend--and it never occurs to you that a guy indicted on first degree murder charges might have a motive for spreading lies & putting the blame on someone else? Have you noticed that she hasn't made a statement of any kind yet?
Maybe they didn't teach you critical reading at Ap State.
i've thought of all those things, and perhaps if you had critical reading skills, you'd have noticed that this blog contains no commentary, either way, about whatever events and people you may be talking about. if it makes me a terrible person to hate seeing stories about people i once knew spread across the papers for strangers to read, then so be it. whatever else you are pulling out of this comes from YOU. get over your self-righteousness and go live your life. why waste your time reading my old blog entries? certainly YOU have much more important things to do with your life.
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