return

today, i get the staples pulled out of my back and then bella and i can embark on the long journey home to judy branch.

i managed to clean out a long of old baggage from my old room at the parents' house, and maybe i can do some of the same at my own house. i am ready to let go of a lot of old stuff, and i know that it's long overdue. i have always had such a hard time letting go, whether it be memories, desires, old feelings or sentimental objects. even past friendships.

there are some people who are in your life for the long haul, and there are those who are part of your life just for a brief spell. i tend to believe that people cross each others paths and become part of each others lives for some sort of reason that is beyond any one person's understanding. we can only begin to grasp, usually in hindsight, the beautiful sense that it makes that such people are part of our journey. spending two weeks at my childhood home, cleaning out so many years of my life- it's been cathartic. there's so much that i have held onto for all these years, stowing it away in my childhood closet. the novel i wrote in 8th grade, inspired by my obsession with laura palmer and twin peaks (it was titled "the diary"). fingerpaintings that my friend erin & i painted when we were snowed in during the blizzard of 93. diaries and journals going back as far as 5th grade. and print outs of my first encounter with email, freshman year of college. most were from my aunt nancy, who has been dead now for five years.

i'm really grateful that i've maintained relationships with quite a few people going all the way back to elementary or middle school, and i need to remember that, even though i don't often reach out, that there are folks out there who really know me, have known me for years, and they still love me! some old friends... well, i sometimes wish i could just clear out of my emotional hard drive and not be concerned or even care about anymore. the heart - well, at least my heart - doesn't work that way. but i do feel like i'm taking steps toward letting go and moving on to whatever it is that i am destined to do next.