Purgatory?

I didn't grow up Catholic, so I don't really have much understanding of the faith other than from what I've picked up through secondhand sources - literature, movies, etc. But I did grow up Southern Baptist, and I always felt there was a bit of affinity between the two religious cultures. Especially when it comes to issues of guilt, repression and a tendency to punish oneself more than rewarding or celebrating. Why do so many people fall into a belief system that tells them that it isn't okay to be happy or to do things that will bring personal joy or satisfaction? Why do so many of us hesitate to do nice things for ourselves and opt instead to get those good feelings vicariously by doing nice things for others?

I'm not advocating for the "me first" attitude that is so prevalent in the world, especially among the aristocrats and free market capitalists. there's plenty of people that always put their own personal gain above all else. what i'm pondering is why there are so many good people - the best people in the world- who treat themselves so poorly, beat themselves up and never seem to be able to do enough good for others and the world to make themselves feel good or satisfied. and why do so many of them forget themselves and their own needs and desires in this quest to make the world a better place?

some people have a passion that only allows them to be aware of their own desires without any sense (and apparently no care) of how their actions in following those desires might impact others. i had a friend like that once. it was intoxicating how intensely she would go after whatever it was she desired most. everything in her life was magnified and melodramatic, and it seemed like her emotions, her current dilemma was the most important thing in the entire world. i'm sure it was in her eyes. but that wasn't enough. she couldn't understand how everyone around her wasn't on board. surely, the outcome of her dilemma was the most important thing in everyone else’s lives, and if it wasn't, then damn them - they must an enemy (we've heard this before: "you're either with us or against us!"). at first, it is easy to get swept up in the passion of such a person. to really want to help to bring that desired outcome into fruition. but eventually that contact buzz wears off, and you're left realizing that to people like, you only exist as a pawn or an obstacle. these people are often some of the most sincere you ever meet, at least while they are in that moment with you, and it is heartbreaking when you realize that they really don’t (and perhaps can’t) see the impact their actions have on others.

the other kind of passion is one that is focused on trying to make a difference in the world, and perhaps do some damage control from all the horrible "collateral damage" that results from the worst pursuit of personal gain. I know so many people who work non-stop to try to ease some of the pain or make the world a little better in the aftermath of human greed. there are so many people and animals suffering in the world, that the passion these people have for mending as much of the hurt as they can will never be fulfilled. there's a string of making a difference on a small-scale all throughout one's life, but it never seems to be enough. and it never will be. these people care so passionately that they don't give up. they work day and night and burn themselves out because of this passionate desire that pushes them on and tells them that the work is far more important than the self. in the worst case scenario, these people burn out, becoming shadows of themselves and forgetting how to find or experience personal joy and pleasure. i've seen this happen, and it is truly heartbreaking.

i know that it's not a dichotomy. there are all kinds of folks out there. i tend to be more of the save the world first then save myself breed. but i'm trying to learn how to get in touch with what i most passionately want for myself (outside of saving the world!). i know i dwell too much on the "impactfulness" of every single thing i do or say, and that this is not helping anyone. i need to adopt some "don't give a damn" and apply it to my own life, while keeping a solid footing in the ideals that guide my life.

last year i tried out a chiropractor and also went to a masseuse - two things i never would have "splurged" on, but finally tried in attempts to get relief from my back injury. this week, i tried therapy. it's too early to tell if i'll take to it, but i'm ready to give it a try and to keep an open mind and heart. i hope that maybe i will learn how to figure out what it is i really do want for myself and my life. right now, i just can't see beyond my life as it is right now - which is defined by the work i do, not by what i want for myself.