Sleepless in Cedar Rapids

Even in Iowa I have become a master of surviving on very little sleep. Coffee and alcohol help (in moderation, of course!)

Although the Cedar Rapids trip was work related, I'm willing to write about it here, because this trip/work transcends my current workplace and is really more related the bigger picture of my "career," if that is what it is to be.

What brought be to Iowa, you may be wondering? It was the National Performance Network(NPN)annual meeting, of which my workplace/organization is a partner.I've been representing my organization at these meetings for the past three years. The NPN is an amazing network of arts presenting organizations and artists from across the U.S. that is intentionally diverse on every level imaginable. When I first started going to the meetings I was totally overwhelmed, but this year I really felt engaged and at the center of what was going on. Imagine a gathering of approximately 200 perfoming artists and arts presenters (mainly grassroots and social change leaning) in one place together for four days. Insane amounts of creativity were bouncing all through Cedar Rapids. So much, in fact, that I was able to battle 3+ weeks' sleep deprivation/exhaustion, jet lag, homesickness, post 30 bday shock and a nasty bloody cold to get into all kinds of great social and professional goodness. Meetings and networking at every hour imaginable. Performances interspersed throughout with full out showcases/performances every night. Following by more improptu arts sharing/jamming/networking.

A list has been started of artists (of every walk of life and from multiple locales) who are incredibly curious and enthusiastic about visiting my little workplace and spending a few days out on Judy Branch. My reply: "Y'all come!"

Even though I went into the meeting with some exhausted, burnt out work dread, I am leaving it reinvigorated, inspired AND, most importantly, with a PLAN. I have reminded by my wonderful colleagues that I belong to a larger, vibrant world/network filled with people I have been forming friendships with for nearly four years. Friends who want to see me grow and prosper and (drum roll...) be HAPPY. What a concept! I'm returning home from Cedar Rapids with great contacts and leads for my transition onto the next great adventure. Many doors have been unlocked, and the next year I'll be working on opening doors through my friendships in this beautiful network. Plus, I was asked to take a leadership position for the Southern Region partners, which, among more good times with colleagues, I'll be attending NPN Board meetings in New Orleans throughout the next year! I always love to spend time in the Gulf, especially if in good company (and the NPN staff are some of the best company to be in).

Between Portland and NPN, I have banked up on positive connections, gathering many keys and have begun to make a plan. The plan: ONE year until the big move. Right now, I think it may be Portland. But I'm keeping my options open. ONE year to make the change. One year to keep my head above water and focus on what's ahead.

I think I deserve a reward: SLEEP!

beets and birthdays

i have to credit my friend rebecca with my recent beet inspiration. the first time i met her was a rainy january night in portland. she picked me up from the train station, transported me to her home and served me a delicious meal of borscht. little did i know that this meal, less than a year ago, would be only the beginning of a wonderful friendship. i have just returned from my second trip to visit portland since that wet january night. on all occasions, i have been hosted by rebecca and her partner, brian.

it really is strange how friendships begin. i find that geographic location of one's home often has little to do with who i befriend. lately, i have been finding that the majority of people i would call friends live at least 200 miles from judy branch, if not 2,000. given that judy branch is located in a somewhat remote, out of the way place, i suppose it makes sense that a young person such as me would be inclined to travel frequently in order to have a semblance of a social life! since my first trip out to portland, i have really enjoyed my new "left coast" friendships. the houseguests of september included rebecca's partner, brian, who is ultimately responsible for my orientation into this circle of northwestern friendships. together with brian's brother, eric, brian and rebecca run a really great independent print shop called stumptown printers. i think all three are some of the most amazing people i've ever met. last summer, eric gave me a tour of socialist finnish astoria, showing me a place i already really loved in an entirely new light.

i embarked on this most recent westbound trip entirely burnt out and sleep deprived, having slept an average of 3 hours a night for the two weeks leading up to my flight to portland. i journeyed nortwest on halloween, which was actually quite a treat. among all the travelers, many dressed in business attire, i would spot the odd costumed folks. one suit walked by while i was enjoying a layover coffee, and i was delighted to doubletake at the cat's tail hanging out from behind his suit jacket and see a cat nose/whiskers on his face and a red & white top hat adourning his head. i wish people would randomly wear costumes all year round. it sure does break up the monotony!

i arrived in portland to grab a lunch with brian and then meet up with my friend taylor, who is a displaced southerner. we cooked up a big old southern meal, using some andouille that my cajun visitors had gifted me the week before. fried okra, collard greens along with a flavor of the real northwest: alaskan halibut that taylor and his bandmates had caught themselves. taylor is one of my september houseguests (brian's bandmates) that i've really enjoyed getting to know. we followed our delicious meal with 1960s itallian horror films. perfect halloween. throughout the week, tay provided great tours of subversive bookstores and the best used record shops. he also tried to turn me on to drinking manhattans. but i'm just not grown up enough for that!

sister tiffany and her lovely partner larry took a train down to portland to help me celebrate my big 30th birthday last saturday. we all gathered for an impressive meal (b/c it was so damn good AND so damn cheap) at a small restaurant call the farm. after i got done screening the films (the job that got me out there in the first place), we commenced to real celebrations at one of my favorite bars in portland: beulahland. i was really surprised at how many folks (new acquaintances, new friends, etc.) joined us.

all in all it was a great trip, providing little catch up on sleep, r&r. i've been home a little over 24 hours, and now i must get back to packing for the next trip (all work, perhaps some play?) to cedar rapids, iowa. i fly out tomorrow, which means i have to hit the road by 6am. i'm looking forward to checking out the chzech museum and village of cedar rapids in my spare time, if there is any... and sleep, if that is also an option.

Time Warp

Nothing makes me feel more alive than sharing music with friends and neighbors, and making new friends as it happens. Having the Powell/Balfa family here for a week brought together the two most prominent cultural influences in my life: mountain south and gulf south. Accordian, fiddle, driving guitar and Cajun French vocals continue to echo in the air around me, interspersed with reeling old time banjo and fiddle tunes. The sounds were plentiful and intoxicating, and I spent most of the week in a state of audial and culinary bliss.

My favorite moments were cooking gumbo in my kitchen and sharing our day's work with my neighbors and friends in the dance hall that Bill and Billy Joe have next door. After spending a few days with Christine and her cousin Courtney Granger, I could hear my accent slip into the way I sometimes speak with my mom and her kin (all from southern Mississippi). I've spent a big part of my life trying to reconcile my hillbilly upbringing with my deep Mississippi family roots. This week, it was as if those two worlds merged into one savory gumbo, nourishing my soul and filling me with a deep love for the people and cultures that have shaped my little world.

We ended the week with a Masquerade Ball last night that I cannot yet attempt to describe. Perhaps in a few days or weeks I'll be able to put it into words, but for now, I have to let it soak in. It seems like a dream, and I am still trying to wake up. I'm sure this feeling is due, in part, to my minimalistic sleep schedule the past few days.

Today I drove to Lexington so Courtney could catch his flight back to Louisiana and I could be interviewed for a position in a group exchange to Poland, Belaruse and the Ukraine. Our forgetfulness about time jumping back an hour (Daylight Savings) allowed us to caravan with dear friends Rayna & Jeff and enjoy a delectable Vietamese meal before parting ways. I think the interview went well, but my judgement may be skewed by a serious lack of sleep... Before I can sleep I must tackle the task of packing for next week's travels to the great Northwest.

Let the Good Times Roll!

My entire weekend (Friday night, all day Saturday and Sunday) was Home Craft Days. Although it completely exhausted me, I felt more useful this year than I have the past three. I finally feel confident setting mics for all kinds of musical lineups, and I even got to run the board while sound wizard Doug performed with Lee Sexton. Another wonderful part of my life right now, Lee! He'd been bragging on me to everyone and telling folks that he aims to make a banjo player out of me and that I've really got the knack for it.

The weather turned quite cold yesterday and even colder today with snow flurries harking the arrival of Dirk Powell, Christine Balfa and their two beautiful daughters. Their residency begins tomorrow morning with an 8am school performance. I've almost got everything cleared off my to-do list so that I can focus on being producer and hostess extrodinaire. I finished the final rough draft of my fellowship application and hope to brush it up and get it out the door sometime tomorrow. I'll have to leave house cleaning and finishing up the masks to late nights. You can see the masks we've made so far at the mask gallery. As more musicians arrive from Louisiana and North Carolina later in the week, things are bound to get crazy. I wonder when I'll have time to pack for Portland?

No matter. Everything is falling into place, and I am fully in GO mode, filled with anticipation of the enormous amount of fun, music and dance this week will bring. I just hope my anticipation doesn't keep me from a good night sleep. I'll need all the sleep I can get so I can make the most of the next couple of weeks!

in love with nobody...in particular

have you ever felt that sensation of being in love, but not have it really be aimed toward any certain person? there's a line in a replacements song that speaks to that feeling, and sometimes that feeling just hits me. a swooning lovey-dovey romantic kind of purring inside. a love that is disconnected from any individual person and not really focused on any sort of relationship with anyone. usually it is triggered by certain music, the hint of crispness of autumn air, tinted leaf covered hills highlighted by setting sun. the feeling sweeps through me, replacing the day's troubles and and i feel like floating around the dance floor (a.k.a. my kitchen) with an invisible dance partner. sometimes i do just that.

i've been listening to balfa toujours this evening while i try to tidy the house and prepare for the whirlwind of the next couple of weeks. next week balfa toujours will actually be here to spend a week. but first i need to finish up some work on the music of coal cd project i've been helping out with, write the essay for my fellowship application. All this needs to happen in the next 24 hours so i can throw myself into three solid days of music at the 35th annual home craft days festival. home craft days is, by far, one of my favorite events of the year, and i always clear my calendar so i can volunteer to help with the stage. my job the first year was to sit backstage with janette carter and help her get her finger picks on before she went on stage. any volunteer gig that allows me to befriend one of my Appalachian goddess-heros is all right by me!

lee boy and i have made plans for my next banjo workshop to happen on sunday at the festival, which means that i won't have to miss out on my learning while i'm working the festival.

once home craft days is over, my life will get enormously crazy with dirk powell and balfa toujours coming to town for a week-long residency! cajun and old time music all week long, culminating in a masquerade ball. i can't wait! i won't quit when it's over, because next is a flight to portland to see my recent house guests/foghorn friends for about a week. following that trip is a meeting in cedar rapids, iowa and then it's about thanksgiving time, when i'll go down to south mississippi to spend time with some relatives i've not seen in hundreds of moons. i just hope it all goes by at a pace that allows me to soak in the good parts and savor those few quiet evenings on judy branch.

Good Riddance!

I am looking forward to the day that I can wash my hands of my current work place, which tends to be toxic and juvenile when dealing with certain co-workers. It's like being in high school all over again, and I hated high school.

On a more positive note, my first banjo lesson with Lee went really well. I picked up three new tunes that I am practicing up before I go to see him later this week. Raincrow Breakdown, Prettly Little Miss and Tennessee Breakdown. All in G with lots of dropthumbing.

Tonight I took a break from practicing Lee's tunes and worked on playing rhythm on some Carter Family tunes with Rich. The waltz rhythm is catching me up, because I have to change from the usual bump-ditty to bump-ditty-ditty. Tricky.

As for tonight, I'm looking forward to a hot bath and some down time enjoying the comforts of electricity. Our power was out for almost 24 hours yesterday, and as nice as it was to read by latern, I'm going to enjoy running water (the well pump needs electricity, you see) and reading by my electric bedside light tonight!

Taking the Time

My mother recently commented that I am an old soul. It's not the first time I've heard that. From the time a was a toddler, I idolized my great grandmother, begged to spend summers working in the garden with my grandpa and hung out with my older brother's friends. People used to tease that I was the eldest sibling, even though my brother was three years older.

There's something about people who have lived for a long time that makes me want to stop time and just soak in their reflections on it all. I also love to see the spark of youth in their eyes. They have an aura of youthfulness and appreciation for every moment. They don't take life, or people, for granted. I am drawn to people with these characteristics, which makes for an interesting demographic of friends.

In my work, I have been an organizer, a facilitator and an enabler. I have encouraged younger folks to take the time to learn from their elders and for elders to open themselves up to the world of youngsters. Most of this has been through storytelling and music. Now that I am at the threshold, pausing in the doorway before I depart, I am finding that I never gave myself much time to sit at the feet of these elders I have cherished. I have come to know them as friends and spent many hours just talking, listening and bringing people to hear their stories and songs. I have brought them students and sat beside them while they shared their treasures. Often, I was behind a camera, capturing it all. Looking back, I realize how much I have given to those I brought to the feet of the elders. And how I never even thought to step forward and give myself the time to become one of their students.

That is now about to change. Two nights ago, one of my favorite elders, Lee Sexton, told me that he has set his mind on learning me the old timey drop-thumb banjo tunes that he used to play. Now this is a big deal, because Lee Boy has not been playing his drop-thumb for a couple of years now, due to a nasty run-in between his thumb and a raccoon. But he's determined he's going to show me those old tunes, and I'm determined I'm going to learn them. I must admit, I'm a bit dumb-founded that one of the greatest banjo players I know is seeking me out for a student and re-learning what must now be a painful style so that he can teach me.

I feel I am coming to a new phase in my life. I'm going to put my caretaking hat on the hook for awhile and focus on uncovering opportunities for myself. And I'm going to start by going over to Lee Boy's house tomorrow for my first banjo lesson!

the gashlycrumb ladybugs

every year about this time, when the lady bugs sense the first frost is on the way, they start trailing into my house. much like i'd imagine the wagon trains headed west. all the family members, friends, neighbors, strangers, and perhaps even the enemies eventually end up inside. and they mean to stay... at least until they die or spring rolls around.

they linger on the ceiling, in the windowsills, on the walls and take strolls across any surface they choose.

most of them die. some get batted down and swallowed by cats. some fry themselves on light bulbs. others drown in a night stand water glass. then there are those that get squashed by paw, foot. or worse: steamrolled by cat, dog or person turning in their sleep. there are those who die the long slow death, their tradmark red polka-dotted shells turning to dull rust and finally a yellowish brown.

lady bugs don't taste good when you swallow one late at night in your water glass. even if you manage to get the sucker out before you take a sip, the water still tastes sour.

edward gory should have done a book about how all the tinny lady bugs come inside our houses to die in our company.

selfish, selfless?

i've been thinking a lot lately about how it has become the cultural norm to be selfish. at least to a degree. personal happiness and well-being are what we are supposed to seek above all else. what troubles me about this way of thinking is that it isolates us all from each other. what's good for you may not be what's best for the people you love, your neighbors, your whole community. hell, look at the bush family. they are doing quite well for themselves... at the expense of millions, billions of other people. they sure do seem to be enjoying themselves, though.

when i think about the sacrifices that my parents and grandparents made so that i could have a good life... well, it just doesn't add up that every choice i make should be about what makes ME happy. sometimes you've got to put others well-being ahead of your own. how do you know when to make sacrifices and when to step up and demand something for yourself?

i think that for most of my life, i have been an enabler. i like to help and encourage other people to find their happiness. but i often don't take care of my own needs. i'm not really sure that i know how. i love connecting people with each other, growing to love a certain few... but i hate the potential i hold within myself to hurt the people in my life. it terrifies me.

i wonder if happiness is really something a person can seek? shouldn't it just happen?

choices

My last blog entry got a few people worried. I appreciate the concern, of course. And I'm sure I'll not always feel like a squished bug. I am wary of going into the exact reasons why I feel splattered. I try to focus this blog to issues and events concerning Judy Branch. I've been squashed by a combination of stresses from work and a frighteningly hopeless romantic life. And that's about all I'll say here.

I am also heartbroke at the very real possibility that I will soon have to make the choice to leave Judy Branch.

There's a few possibilities in the air that will enable me to leave my current workplace (and source of much of my misery) but still remain on Judy Branch... at least for a few more months. It's a fellowship that would last three months. If I get it, I'll tell more. For now, I'll avoid jinxing my chances!

splat

so it's happened. life cannot really be compartmentalized. judy branch is a haven, my exile from the stresses and trials of work and the big ugly world. but that world, at some point, is bound to bear down on me. and it is right now.

i feel like a squished bug.

Escape!

I hit the road on Tuesday and headed up to North Carolina with my friend Rich. We were on a mission to go and visit with Onllwyn Male Voice Choir, a miners choir from the valleys of Southern Wales. We had both been to Wales at different times (Rich in the mid 70s and me in 2001), and I had actually spent quite a bit of time with these men when I was doing graduate research in Ystradgynlais (that's in Wales). On the ride over we marveled at how, distance wise, our homes (in Southeast Kentucky and Southwest Virginia) are quite close to the high country of Western North Carolina, yet so much changes on that short drive. You especially seem to notice it once you hit Abingdon and head over the mountain toward Mountain City and Trade, TN and into Ashe and Watauga Counties of NC. A lot of the differences hail back to industry. Coal versus tourism economies. But the geography is also notably different. I'm not sure that these are differences a non-mountaineer would recognize. To an outsider, we may all be lumped together, and I'm sure that we often are. But for me, a girl who grew up and lived most her life in the Blue Ridge of Eastern TN and Western NC, I am disturbed at how I now approach the Blue Ridge as a place less "real" than the landscape I presently inhabit. I wonder if I will ever be able to go back to these other places that I have loved and lived?

As for the choir, it was a short, but worthwhile road trip in which we were blown away by the voices of forty-seven Welsh men and later enjoyed their company over beverages at the bar (drinking in public once again!).

I took a detour on the route home to spend a day and a night at my Faerie Godmother's farm. For over three years I have gone on imaginary trips to her magical home place near Snowflake, Virginia. I am so glad I finally got there in person, because we had ourselves a real fine time. First playing with her new puppies, then making plans for an art project (creating masks for an upcoming masquerade ball). We even embarked on an outing to the big city (Kingsport) to hunt down supplies and scavenge for junk. First item we picked up was an abandoned mannequin for $2! She's perfect, except for the missing fingers and that dog Bella is terrified of her. We hit a goldmine at a thrift store downtown where I found my masquerade dress. The rest of the evening and following morn were spent surrounded by all sorts of feathers, beads, paints coffee, tea, wine and supplies, creating masks and getting high on each others company. I'm looking forward to a repeat tomorrow night when Ms. Faerie Godmother is going to come spend the night on Judy Branch.

1779

Yesterday I was stirred out of Judy Branch by a call from a friend. He needed to get out of his house and get out of town. We drove down into Virginia, about an hour and half southeast, to Abingdon. I had been through Abingdon several times, but I had never really explored. We walked the streets of the old town in an intermittent drizzle, reveling at the well preserved brick structures, reading the historic markers and enjoying the experience of walking through a downtown where it seemed quite normal for people to do such a thing. I think we both had been feeling a bit of burnout for the town where we work (and he lives). The streets are lined with facades of empty and abandoned buildings. On weekends, there's no life in the town center at all. How nice it was to go just a little ways off and find a town that was alive!

Besides just walking, we also took advantage of opportunities Abingdon offered that our Kentucky hamlets could not. We had a sit down meal at a local pizza place where we were served a vegetarian pizza and two very tall draft beers. Not just any beer. Microbrew from North Carolina! Then we did something most folks who have lived where we do fantasize about doing every weekend. We went to see a movie in a movie theater. Not just any movie, but a somewhat independent film, "Little Miss Sunshine." We capped off our excursion by stopping into Abingdon's oldest bar, The Tavern. It was built in 1779, originally serving as a stagecoach inn and tavern and in its long life serving as a civil war hospital, a house and an assortment of taverns/inns. We once again experienced the novelty of being served a beer in public. And not just any beer. German beer on tap!

the whole beet

i have been blessed with beets this summer, and it looks like this blessing will last into the fall. there are countless reasons to become enamoured with this vegetable. from the wonderful color that seeps out from severed root and stains your skin, to the wine colored veins of the leaves. then there's the indistinguishable flavors of the root, both earthy and sweet at the same time. and the surprisingly spicy undertones of the leaves... every way i have prepared them, from the complicated construction of perestroika to simply boiling the root and stir frying or steaming the greens, they have been utterly delectable. but the other night i prepared beets in a way that has topped all others (excluding borscht). rather than separating the root from the leaf, i tried cooking the entire plant. this works great if you have a handful of small beets. here's what you do:

wash well and remove any inedible parts, leaving them whole and keeping the skin and the leaves. using a heavy pan with a lid that fits securely, heat a couple tablespoons oil, juice from one lemon, some chopped onion, dash dill, dash tarragon, a little bit of garlic (a small clove chopped fine) and some salt. add whole beets and steam over medium heat with lid closed tightly. check after 5minutes, adding a little water if necessary to prevent burning. steam until tender (about 10-15 minutes depending on how many beets). hint: don't be tempted to peel the skin after cooking! trust me, it's edible, tastes good, and the only thing you'll achieve is dying the skin under your fingernails bright pink!

i ate these with homemade garlic mashed potatos, garden peas, kale stir fried in garlic & onion & braggs liquid aminos (you can also use tamari) and broccoli that was stir fried in a sesame orange sauce. it was a great combination of flavors, transforming my garden goods into gourmet fare. while each dish was tasty, the most simply prepared, the beets, left the most notable impression on my palette.

i got the idea from one of my favorite cookboks: Laurel's Kitchen. if the cool, rainy weather sticks around this weekend, i believe i'll try her recipe for whole beet borscht. sounds like a certain success!

Band of Brothers

With my company safely departed, Judy Branch seems quiet these days. Not silence, but the kind of quiet that allows frogs, crickets and distant trains to dominate the night air. The sort of quiet where you can actually hear the percussive beating of a moth's wings or an insect leap onto a broad, damp leaf. If you cut out the intermittent conversations between the Judy Branch pack and neighboring dogs, this place provides the perfect soundtrack for dreaming, reflection, and just being part of the quiet. Sometimes I sit inside and listen from my kitchen table, rocking chair or couch. Other times I contribute the creak of a porch swing, the brush-thumb of a banjo, or, like now, the muted click of a keyboard.

Tonight, I am soaking in the quiet after a turbulent day of withdrawal. For the past few days I have been 100% engaged in living life. I have opened myself to the hearts and minds of people I have come to deeply love, and I have basked in their friendship and affection. I have given myself completely to music and danced for hours without abandon on streets. These days spent in good company of the band (aforementioned house guests) provided me with an essential escape from the poisonous politics of my workplace. In hindsight, I realize that those crazy guys, who now feel like brothers to me, not only gifted me an escape, but reminded me how people should interact with each other every day they are alive. Traveling on the road together as much as they do, you would expect some seriously dysfunctional behavior. Yet they really seem to know how to treat each other and the people that they meet. The times they are stuck together are not only tolerable, but really good. Now that I am out of their fold, I am facing some of the nastiest forms of human interaction and manipulation by day. Even so, my doubt in the goodness of the human spirit is not so intense as it was before. Tonight I am soothed by the symphony on Judy Branch and the recent memories of fine times with friends.

I just wish that Judy Branch dogs Bingo, Monkey, Lucy, Sally and Frankie Mophead would stop it with the solo breaks already!

Strange Company

Six days ago, five house guests arrived at Judy Branch. Much of the heavy yard and house labor I threw myself into the days leading up to their arrival was in anticipation of their arrival. I knew that Judy Branch was plenty big enough to host five grown men, even if they were musicians, but I had no idea how easy they would make it on me! Since they were visiting from the West Coast, I prepared a bunch of good southern cooking for them, mostly from my garden: stewed okra & tomatos, green beans, homemade mac & cheese, black eyed peas, corn bread, bannana pudding. And a couple of more cosmopolitan snacks like coffee cake and my basil hummus.

During their time here they had a couple of gigs to play music, but during the days, I arranged home visits to some of the old time musicians who live nearby. I know my guests were really impressed by the musicians they met, and I was tickeled to see how much joy the old timers got out of swapping tunes with young musicians who appreciate their musical traditions.

It was one of the easiest hostessing experiences I've ever had, and then they turned round and decided to host me. I flew the coop with my guests after two days to accompany them on their journey south through Carter Family country. We stopped by the fold and the graveyard where Sarah, A.P., Janette and Joe are buried. Then I got to be their guest as they worked at the Rhythm and Roots Reunion down in Bristol.

As I am usually somewhat reclusive, I haven't been venturing out of Judy Branch to check out many of the nearby happenings. I really enjoyed spending some time in Bristol and hearing so many wonderful musicians. In fact, I will have to give big thanks to my house guests for getting me out on the town. I danced so much in the streets of Bristol that for the past two days I've been limping painfully with each step.

What strikes me the most is how I managed to spend five solid days and nights in the company of five men and not go insane. I enjoy the company of friends, but after a few hours, I am usually ready to retreat to the quiet of my home. I didn't once have a single urge to flee. That's a first for me. I am now soaking in the quiet of Judy Branch with rain thumping on tin roof. It is nice to be back home.

work... and work

i dedicated the entire weekend to intensive manual labor at judy branch. and i enjoyed every bit of it, from pulling up thorny pigweed in the garden to washing out the compost bins. there's something immensely satisfying about tending to the homeplace.

sometimes it seems like there's a riotous game of marbles going on in my head. ideas and counter-arguments to those ideas roll around and knock each other about in all sorts of directions until they all lay scattered in a mess or none remain at all. this can make those big life decisions very difficult. i remember growing up in church and the story of doubting thomas. boy, did i ever relate to that guy! fortunately, through many years of experinence and the help of some wise native american and buddhist friends, i have grown about 89% at ease with not knowing anything at all when it comes to those BIG questions. if i manage to remember that i am okay with just not knowing, i can keep my mind somewhat serene with only one or two major moments of panic and doubt (that would be the marble games) each day.

work in the garden and around the house provides me with an escape from the maddening marble games, the big unknowns and my life's other work. problem: there's a big section of johnny grass and pig weed invading my garden. solution: get my garden gloves on, get down on my knees and pull those suckers up by the root. then, when that task is done, great possiblilites lay at my feet. time to hoe that freshly uncovered dirt and plant fall crops! turnips, spinach, greens, mescalin mix, broccoli, kale, chard, carrots, cilantro and more beets! when i rise to my feet after planting and turn around, i see the fruits of my spring planting. the last of the beans (i hope!) need picking. the okra just keeps producing more tender fruit, and the tomatos are about to fall off the vine. basil is still big and bushy, and the dll needs to be used soon before it turns yellow. and those beets are just waiting patiently to become borscht!

there are only a few moments in my garden work that i feel down. sometimes when i'm pulling up weeds, especially if i have to pull up milkweed, i feel like i am no different than those greedy bastards who clear cut virgin timber and rainforests. i certainly must seem like a monster to all the slugs, mushrooms, wooly worms and caterpillars whose shade and food i uproot! mainly it's the milkweed that makes me feel this guilt. so, i make sure to let a good crop of milkweek border my garden, and i even pull up the morning glory vines that try to pull them down. in this way, i can at least be a somewhat sustainable garden forester through selective logging/weeding!

up in flames

sometimes i think that my empathy meter is defective. i feel far too intensely for others. feeling my own emotions is hard enough to handle, and boy do i feel those! but when i top them with feeling for my friends, i can either skyrocket into a blissful heaven or drill myself dizzy into the depths of despair.

i have been up and down about issues with my current vocation, a topic i strictly choose not to discuss here in this space. all i will say is that i am having to seriously reconsider my career choice, and for the first time in three years i find myself in a hallway full of doors of all shapes and sizes with absolutely no sense of direction. right now they all seem to be oddly shaped, mysterious and a bit spooky, but who knows what will happen when one opens? i sit befuddled in this hallway , driving myself dimwitted over the BIG questions of what do i really want for myself, my life, my love...

all this begins to spin in a spiral when one of my best girl friends calls to say she's splitting up with her husband. or when i go into work to learn that one of my favorite co-workers and friends here got his house burnt down... the fourth time this has happened to him in his life! with all these things happening to the people i love, my feelings of panic and depression over signing up for unemployment seem rather silly. but they don't go away. i just feel more helpless and hopeless!

thank the heavens that i have a place like judy branch for a retreat. i came home today and harvested okra. then i cooked up the most wonderful supper. i started by sautéing red onion, then adding chopped okra, garlic, chopped celery, chopped tomatos, black eyed peas (already cooked, but not mushy), some blanched green beans and a few bay leaves. I added a couple of spoonfuls of homemade salsa, some dried basil and cajun spices. i let it all saute on low while a pone of cornbread baked in the oven. it was light with a citrus-like tanginess from the fresh tomatos. much lighter than the cajun dishes i make in the winter (when i use canned, stewed tomatos).

there's nothing like fresh food to lift your spirits. i just wish i could use it to life my buddy's house out of the ashes.

unions

i celebrated a different sort of union this labor day weekend. twice.

two weddings. two couples who really seem to be a match for each other. four people who give me hope that a person can find a home in another's love. that we are not all alone in this world. and that this can happen when you're 60 or almost 30.

events over the past year have led me to find comfort in cynicism, especially when it comes to love and the human condition. couples i had thought to be the perfect match split up. i met someone with whom i feel a connection and attraction to like i've never felt before, but i'm beginning to believe that it is all just my imagination. i question my intuition and doubt whether anything i feel toward another person is actually reciprocal.

even if for a short while, this weekend gave me a glimmer of hope. i am hopeful for my newly betrothed friends. and after a weekend of dancing to cajun music with a few fine gentlemen, i am hopeful that i still have a few chances left at romance... or at least a few scandalous love affairs!

Labor Day

"Up, up mountain toilers and hear what I tell. In a land of plenty there's hunger and hell! We dig and we shovel. We weave and we sweat. But when comes the harvest, it's little we get... O this is the story of you and the rest. And if I'm lying, my name's not Don West ."

The "news" today isn't really news. Many of us have seen and felt it happening for years. Maybe even a lifetime. Minimum wage, benefits and workers' rights are at the lowest they have been in fifty years. The top echelons are seeing record profits, while the working people's wages are nowhere remotely alligned with the increased cost of living. What would old Don West be feeling if he were alive today? How is it that so little has changed in all these years? How is it that we end up back in that same old predicament? Won't we ever learn to not be complacent?

Where is my Don West today? Who is speaking out for our welfare?

"Your welfare ain't on the rich man's mind, oh no! You're welfare ain't on the rich man's mind."
I hope that Hazel Dickens' music will live on and remind people. I hope that they (and we all know who they are!) will never be able to keep us down for long.

I hope that I will find some hope on this labor day weekend....