Life Away from Judy Branch

Leaving the nest

2009-03-16T23:34:00.000-07:00

One of the most obvious issues we all knew this little bird would face in leaving Judy Branch for the wilds of the Pacific Northwest is homesickness. Perhaps even more obvious, but preferably left unspoken, is that I'd be leaving my nest - the intricately woven network of family and friends that, for more than thirty years has encompassed me in an approximately 300 mile radius.

When I was a child I would, every so often, find myself lying in bed both terrified and engulfed with a mixture of panic and grief as it hit me that one day I may have to face losing my grandma, my grandpa, my mom, my dad, my brother... The grief was like a two ton stone in the middle of my chest. It was agonizing.

I spent my sixth birthday at the funeral of my favorite person in the whole wide world - Nanie. She was my great grandmother. The day before we made the drive down to Lyon, Mississippi, my Kindergarten class threw a birthday celebration for me and gave me a goodie bag to take on the road. It had Wrigley's Juicy Fruit gum sticks and Nerds and peanut MnM's. They also gave me a yellow balloon. I remember being picked up from school early and getting in the back seat of the station wagon, which was already packed for the big road trip. The balloon bounced around in the back of the car. My present from my parents was a stuffed Corduroy Bear, complete with his signature green overalls and a Corduroy Bear book. This was the first time I remember feeling numb while other people were trying to make me feel festive.

This week, I was reminded of those feelings. The terrifying realization of how fragile life is, especially the lives of the people you love dearest. My dad was hospitalized for a heart condition that took him - and us all - for surprise. After nearly a week in the hospital, a lot of observation and tests and a procedure that "re-set" his heart, it looks like he's going to be just fine. But I'll tell you, I don't think there's any amount of re-setting or testing or treatment that anyone could do that would make me just fine if I lost my dad.

I know that people lose their parents every second of everyday. My best friend lost both her parents before she was 25. I know about mortality, and I know about loss. I can't even keep count of the number of dead friends and family. Each loss shuck me to the core. But there are some people that are such an immense presence in your life, it's as if they are actually part of you.

I'm getting overwhelmed in the process of even trying to write about this. It's not something I ever want to think about. But last week I was smacked in the face with it, and the effect is lingering. To say the least.

Love

2009-02-27T21:23:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it seems that we spend (or I spend) a lot of time and energy looking for love, grieving lost love, and so on and so forth, when really... love is just love. It's there when you feel it. It's in the most common and unexpected places. Yes, it would be nice if you could have it in the way you want it. Usually that would be a romantic, sweep you off your feet sort of experience or a feeling completely synchronized and understood moment. The thing is that for every bit that is missing, there is some place where it exists in a different form. Yes, one day I want to have that dreamed of romantic love feeling, but just because I haven't found it yet doesn't mean there's a lack of love in my life right now.

The reason I'm writing about this is because I fall so easily. Not in love, but into a deep dark hole. Could be grief, could be depression, but it's not a nice place to land. And I find myself falling over and over and over again. Like a well practiced habit, it's become comfortable. This is something I've experienced since I was about 6 years old. Over the years, I've learned how to live with the often sudden and unannounced increased bursts of gravity that pull me down. They really do hit me quite suddenly and with great force. I am actively working against gravity and grief on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. The lists of new things to do and trying out the Artists Way and working like mad and all that. It helps. But I wonder. WHY does that downward spiral energy seem to strengthen? Shouldn't these conscious efforts to resist wear it down... eventually to nothing?

How is this connected to love? Well, as intensely as I feel all the horrible things I feel when I fall, I also feel a deep appreciation, awe and love for so many beings and blessings in my life. I feel loved and I feel love for so many. I am overwhelmed with the people and creatures in my life who make it a point to remind me just how much they love me.

So how do these two mix? How can a person feel completely encompassed with love and at the same time feel so hopeless and lost and unworthy of any love at all? Is it a chemical thing? A basic human crisis that everyone faces all the time?

I am working with an artist who recently did a collaboration with a dance company. They did a cabaret sort of show that explored the disconnect between how other people see you and how you see yourself. I got to watch a video of the performance, and it left me wondering... Are we all on this rollercoaster and we just don't realize we're sitting right next to each other?

Working Woman

2009-02-18T11:51:00.000-08:00

I did not put on my list of new things to do my first year in Oregon: get a job. Probably because I don't want a job as much as I do want a job. I guess you could put it as, I don't want just any old job. RIght now I'm writing SES applications for companies that want to provide Title I tutoring services. Each state has a different application. It's work I can do, but I can't exactly say that it's the kind of work I really want to do. Frankly, it makes me appreciate arts fundraising. At least I'm writing about something that excites me, something that I love!

One of the things I'm in process with is doing The Artists Way workbook. I've had the book for at least five years, but I've never actually taken the time to do it. Now I am in week three! I feel quite accomplished, having gotten up every morning and written my three pages (the morning pages). Now that I'm working, I also have to fit into my morning a walk with Bella. I really enjoy our strolls through the neighborhood and everything that we see. Recent wonders include doors strategically leaned up against shrubberies. We have spotted two so far. We have not tried to open one yet...

Lists are supposed to be kept secret

2009-02-12T00:34:00.000-08:00

I talked to my friend who inspired me with lists. I learned that she never let her list out ahead of time, in case something interesting, new and worth trying came up and warranted being one of the new things to try that year. Good point. Let's consider the past two posts simply warm ups to the list of amazing new experiences to unfold this year.

So far, I've done quite a few amazing things. I'll choose to start with:
1. Uprooting. Yup. We all know now that I quit my job and moved 2,500 miles from home. That doesn't happen every day.
2. I went roller skating, and it was really awesome, because Ethan Rose was playing the organ and wearing his cool leather vintage pilot hat (you know - the kind with the ear flaps)

I'm sure I've done many other super-cool and new things, but I'll have to relay them as I go. I've got tricks up my sleeve yet.

The List Grows

2009-01-30T21:59:00.000-08:00

I consulted with some friends on expanding my list, and I'm still running short on my goal of 32 new things to try my first year in Portland.

Here's what I started off with:

1. Go rollerskating to the sounds of someone playing the Wurlitzer pipe organ at Oaks Park Roller Rink. (DONE this week, I went to Ethan Rose's Oaks performance and it was amazing. Over 400 people rollerskating to an original score he composed just for that place and purpose)
2. Go to an Asian spa. There's a large Asian population on the West Coast, and I've never been to really any kind of spa. The ones back home weren't really spas, if you know what I'm talking about! I don't know what I'll get done, but I want to try it out.
3. Visit the Oregon desert
4. Take an overnight train trip. I've done this in Poland/Ukraine, but not in the U.S.
5. Take an overnight bicycle trip, preferably camping.
6. Go sailing.
7. Go whale watching (Cape Lookout has been suggested as a good spot)
8. See the Northern Lights. (This includes going to someplace where I can see them.)
9. Learn to knit.
10. Visit Alaska.
11. Try "Body Talk" sessions, a kind of energy work based on Chinese medicine
12. Sleep in a treehouse in the middle of an old growth forest.
13. Go on a blind date.
14. Go horseback riding on the coast.
15. Visit a foreign land (one that I've never visited before). I have to do this about every couple of years. It's in my blood.

And here's the new additions:

16. Hike portions of the Pacific Crest Trail
17. Go cross country skiing (I've only done down hill)
18. Check out the Roller Derby.
19. Watch the Salmon swimming upstream
20. See a show at Darcelle's (A premier Drag Queen cabaret)
21. Catch a show at Tony Starlight's (an old school concert hall/lounge)
22. Go up the Space Needle on a clear day
23. Walk across the Saint John's bridge
24. Design my yard into an urban garden space
25. Grow some plant I've never grown before
26. Spend a night in a yurt.
27. Go to Bagby hot springs
28. Try snowboarding at least once.

I need four more things to add to my list. Any ideas?

Daily Rejection and Transformative To-do Lists

2009-01-29T15:34:00.001-08:00

Perhaps one of the hardest things that any person or creature has to deal with is rejection. No matter how independent or laissez-faire we may be, it still hurts. To put yourself out there only be turned away, turned down or simply ignored. It bruises your ego, brings on self-doubt and breathes life into that inner critic that you've spent your whole life trying to ignore. In my former job, I had to write grants to raise all the money needed to run my programs and pay my staff as well as my own salary, health insurance and fringe benefits. Actually, I had to raise that plus an additional 22% that went to the organization as a whole. The only outlet I had was foundation grants. I couldn't go door-to-door asking people to donate. It takes a lot of time and energy to write a good grant proposal. But even if you write a proposal that is a work of art, you still have about a 10% chance of it getting funding. Even though I knew that funding decisions were incredibly impersonal, every single rejection letter had it's own distinct and painful sting. After five years, when I finally left that job, I swore I would seek out a new situation where financial panic and constant rejection were not part of the daily grind.

I'm not there yet. Applying for jobs when you are a stranger in a strange town is far worse than supporting your work through foundation grant writing. Instead of getting rejection letters every few months, you get a rejection letter every single day. Sometimes multiple letters in the same day. Often they are form letters, but every so often you get a personalized letter telling you, even though you were not chosen for the position, how impressed they were with your cover letter or resume. These are the worst, because they lift you up just a little higher only to find yourself falling a greater distance when it sinks in that yet another job you could have really done well has disappeared into pile of countless other jobs that you haven't been hired for.

Here is what I have been learning: 1. Before now, I have been tremendously fortunate in my professional endeavors. 2. It can be even more draining and stressful to be unemployed than to be over-employed. 3. Job hunting is a full time job that doesn't pay. 4. Waiting turns you into a zombie. 5. It is far easier to survive with no money in the mountains than it is in the city. 6. Even in the city, soup beans and cornbread still taste good and keep the belly from grumbling.

I have two different kinds of days: 1. "Productive days," spent composing and submitting multiple cover letters and resumes - sometimes up to 8 or 10 a day. 2. "Blank days," spent laying in bed, staring at the ceiling feeling and thinking nothing. Seriously feeling 100% blank and hopeless.

I am hoping to kick myself into gear and have myself some creative days. Blue Artichoke, one of my best pals since childhood, has been making a list of new things to do/try that corresponds with the number of years she's been alive. I am working on a similar list myself of things to do my first year living in oregon. This gives me until October 1, 2009 to complete the list. For the most part, they are new experiences. I only have 15 so far, which means I need 17 more to equal my age. Send me your suggestions.

City Life

2009-01-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

I've taken a break from blogging since landing in Portland. Much and little has happened. Hard to really tell. I should have been writing all along. Alas, all I can do for you dear reader, or two, is promise that I am sincerely going to to try to get myself back into the writing habit. Think of these past few months as a much needed respite. During this time I've explored Portland and surrounding forests and coasts. I've not had to endure the endless Oregon winter rains yet, because it has hardly rained at all since October. I did, however, get to experience the freak "Snowpocolypse" that hit the Great Northwest. We were snowed in under about a foot of snow for nearly ten days! I've also been learning a lot about bicycles and being unemployed. I've noticed that I am far more productive on my creative projects when I am overwhelmingly busy in other aspects of my life. The struggle to find myself gainful employment has had a slowing effect on just about everything in my life. I'm trying to pick up the pace and get back to work, even if right now the only kind of work I got is the kind I do for myself! One of the greatest blessings about being in a new environment is that there are countless everyday occurances and objects that, because of their newness, are potential sources of inspiration. Even in the depth of winter, I am going to do my best to pay attention while it is all relatively new.

One of my childhood best friends makes a list each year, corresponding with the number of years she's been alive, of new things to try within that year. I'm thinking of copying her idea and trying that myself. Or perhaps coming up with a list of things to do/experience within my first year living in Oregon. I'll sleep on it and get back to you. I already have one for the list that I plan to check off this week:

1. Go rollerskating to live music played on the Wurlitzer pipe organ at Oaks Park Roller Skating Rink. Just so happens there's some interesting musician playing a show on that very organ this Tuesday! http://www.oakspark.com/skating.html

Oregon and/or Bust!

2008-10-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

For those of you who may check in regularly, I offer my apologies. Fellow road sister Carla and I did not get lost or kidnapped or enveloped by the great American Western landscape. Computer time just hasn't been a priority these days. So now, a week late, I will try to catch you up on our adventures. From staying at Carla's Aunt Vicy's home south of Grand Junction, Colorado, our small troupe ventured into the out of this universe territory of Southern Utah, specifically Arches National Park. While we were on somewhat of a schedule to get to Portland by Friday, we took it as a sign from the God of Wanderers when, just as we arrived at the entrance of the park, I got a phone call from the moving company saying that they could just as easily deliver my Relocube on Saturday morning as they could Friday afternoon. Hooray! This translated into spending half a day exploring the wonderment of nature's grandest sculptures and driving in late afternoon sunset through the expansive, red Utah desert, coming as close as either of us has ever to Grand Canyon-like scenery. We were just about delirious about the time we got to Salt Lake City, and we were disappointed in the serious lack of coffee shops open after 10pm. Even Starbucks, when we found one, closed at 10! We got a room just north of Salt Lake, and I think we both must have been asleep before our heads even hit the pillow. I was pretty impressed with how well the cats did with hotel stays. For the most part (well, with the exception of that night in Kansas), they really behaved themselves. They even did well in the car, for the most part!

Friday was spend driving through Idaho and Northern Oregon. What a change of scenery! From rusty desert filled with canyons, mesas and natural sculptures, to rolling scrubby grey hills to larger green hills scattered with valleys of fields overflowing with onions and potatoes! We met up with a displaced Kentuckian and friend of Carla's for lunch in Boise and then continued to Oregon. How happy we were to reach the state line and be welcomed by some friendly volunteers at the Oregon Welcome Center! We got a list of hot springs and made a plan to stop at Hot Lakes for a soak en route. The hills got greener and more wooded as we got into Oregon, and more mountains came into our sight both in the South and the North. It also started to get grey and rainy. To our dismay, the Hot Lakes hot tubs were closed just for Friday due to construction. So onward we went, a wet drive through the Columbia Gorge and the Dalles and into Portland - my new home!

We were so happy to have a home to sleep in, and even though we all got to bed before midnight - much earlier than we had the entire trip, we were all wide awake by something like 7 AM. Damn all those time changes! We took advantage of still being on Eastern Standard Time and took Bella for a walk through the neighborhood. The Relocube was delivered just before noon, as did my friend and neighbor, now known as "Super" Barb. Barb came ready for business, even providing us all with gloves to protect our delicate paws! The three of us emptied all my worldly belonging from that small metal container into my garage in about 45 minutes time. Then it was time to explore the insane world of Ikea in search of a bedframe. I think Ikea was what did us in more than anything. We may even have had enough energy between us to do another jaunt across the nation, but enough juice to handle a trip to Ikea? What were we thinking. Thank goodness they have cheap food and really strong coffee, or we probably would have both melted into the floor or crawled into one of those display beds and gone comatose. Somehow, after Ikea, we managed to find another displaced Kentuckian's house in Beaverton, OR (that's Western Portland suburbs) so that Carla could play a house concert. She did a stellar job, and I was quite amazed, as I was having such a difficult time keeping myself upright by the time we got there! We met a lot of really great folks, and I made a couple of new friends that I am looking forward to hanging out with real soon.

After continuing our tradition of going to bed at the point just beyond exhaustion, we both - once again - found ourselves wide awake at around 7AM. This morning we decided that Voodoo Donuts was the place to go. We had read about it in our Road Food book, and we thought what better thing to do on an early Sunday morning? I bought a huge bright pink box of last night's donuts, including the signature voodoo doll shaped donut filled with raspberry, chocolate covered chocolate donuts covered in cocoa puff cereal and many other unbelievable goodies. Unlike Krispy Creme, I have learned that Voodoo donuts taste good many days after coming out of the oven. I got about two dozen+ non-vegan and over a dozen vegan donuts for less than $15 and we were set for my housewarming party. I still wish I had bought the Sarah Palan Voodoo doll donut, though...

Carla made old school biscuits and sausage gravy, and we had a full day of housewarming house guests from noon until about 6pm. It got chilly, and we enjoyed a fire in the fireplace and quite a few good tunes. Ends up I moved into a great neighborhood for old time music. Some call in the Old Time "Hood," some call it the Old Time "Highway." I'm just glad to call it home! We headed over to the Moon and Six Pence for more music after the housewarming, and I treated Carla to a Portland specialty - Spanish Coffee.

Monday was marathon shopping all over Portland. We hit Powell's and just about every cool little vintage and gently used clothing shop in downtown and Northeast Portland. Another full, exhausting day. We capped off the end of our great adventure by both splurging on some really nice boots, having a drink at Beulahland and then dining at one of my favorite Portland eateries - Pambiche, a Cuban restaurant.

Carla flew home on Tuesday, and I am now settling in and beginning the great job and housemate hunt.

And that catches you up...

Doin’ KANSAS in the DARK

2008-10-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

(Posted by Lil' Birdie)

Day two of the great road trip. I was in no shape on Day 1 to blog at all, having staying up until 4AM alone at my parents’ Tennessee home with the dilemma of having a strange and random assortment of items scattered about house and garage that somehow did not make it into the “Relocube” currently en route to meet me in Portland. For the five thousandth time in a three-week period, I was faced with having too much stuff for the space I was allotted. I have no idea how many times I have purged and repurged, packed, unpacked & repacked (repeat the purge cycle and start all over again) my belongings over the past couple of weeks, but I wish I had kept track, because I may have been close to hitting a world record. Leaving that all behind me (in my parents’ garage), I did my best to endure all the other challenges that occur when one tries to leave town, and the point I consider the Real Beginning of this Grand Road Trip was a truly lovely dinner at Lynne’s in Louisville, a tasteful (as in tacky and wonderful) diner I’d always heard about but never gotten a chance to try out while actually living in Kentucky (Judy Branch is a long way from Louisville, my friends!). After emerging from the incredible mental challenge of trying to once again repack my car in the Berea Post Office parking lot and then reattach my bike rack to the car, both Carla and I were like kids in the candy shop when we entered Lynn’s. It was just what I needed to kick off the trip and get in the mood – festive and busy and kitchy and just wonderful. We nearly bought a yodeling pickle from the diner shop– it was so tempting… but we instead settled on the amazing head scratcher and a skull & cross bones air freshener for the car (in the spirit of Portland and of covering up the kitty and dog flatulence issues).

So on very little sleep from the night before (hit the bed at 3AM, got up at 6AM), and an emotionally exhausting morning of trying to get this adventure started… the westward trek began, fueled by Krispy Kreme donuts and coffee and accompanied by what started in Louisville as a light rain and in Indiana turned into a torrential downpour. Maybe attaching Carla’s suitcase to the roof of the car wasn’t such a great idea afterall… Fortunately, when we pulled off in Evansville, IN we were greeted at the first hotel we pulled into by the Patels, who set our entire entourage in one of the most comfortable and clean hotel rooms I’ve ever stayed in. Boy were we all tired, and while Bella, Carla and I slept like logs, the cats began to recover from sedation. I ended up having to shut Rosie in the bathroom, because she kept jumping on me and demanding attention and love, waking me up just about every hour. Revenge, perhaps for drugging her and dragging her unwillingly on a road trip?

Currently it is about 11PM and we are driving through the blankness that is Kansas at night. We awoke this morning in our oh-so-comfy hotel room, refreshed and ready for th road. While the drugs were getting into the kitties’ systems, I completely unpacked the car and repacked it so that 1. we can see out the back window, and 2. things that are needed are within reach so that we don’t have to continue the erratic pack and repack cycle on which this trip was christened. So far so good. Our food goal was to make it to Columbia, MO. I had two restaurants recommended by one of best friends since childhood (she lived in Columbia for a really long time), but by the time we got there, they had both closed. At the time I asked her, I thought we’d be in Columbia by breakfast. We enjoyed a couple hour break, walking through the neat little Midwestern college town. Bella LOVED the brisk autumn breezes and all the scents there were to sniff. We ended up eating at a neat little vegetarian café and then headed Kansas way. Goal is to end up in Hays, Kansas and then get up & drive to Loveland, CO where I get to meet up with my brother, who is a paramedic in North Denver, at Johnson’s Corner, a joint recommended by our trusty road food guide. What course we’ll take from there, we don’t know yet…

ROAD TRIP: BEREA TO PORTLAND

2008-10-01T00:24:00.001-07:00

(Posted by Appalachian Diva)

Sometimes life hands you unexpected and serendipitous things. In my case, that thing was the chance to take a cross-country trip to Portland with my dear friend Suzanne, who is moving there. Since I had some free time, I jumped at the chance to not only hang out with a dear friend, but also to take a great road trip and see a part of the country that I’ve never experienced, and which I’ve heard is beautiful. We’ve decided to share our adventures with you, dear reader. We’ll both be adding entries, so check back often.

We got a later start than we had intended, due to the fact that Suzanne had a much harder time than expected cramming all of her stuff into her new Volkswagen Passat. Oh, and did I mention that in addition to LOTS of cool shoes, some antique furniture, quite a bit of organic coffee, and a really cool old ceramic churn (that I am coveting really hard), we are also traveling with Bella The Wonder Dog and three cats. The cats are currently drugged in their little carriers, so they are not much of a presence except for the occasional weak meow or strong bout of flatulence.

We finally got out of Berea around 5 PM, after much cussing and gnashing of teeth induced by Suzanne’s new bike rack, which seems to have been designed for persons with more manual dexterity and/or spatial skills than either of us seem to possess, AND after stopping at the post office to mail out several boxes of cool shoes and pillows to Oregon.

Since Suzanne and I are both foodies, we have decided that food will feature prominently on our journey. We are aided in our quest by a book called Roadfood by Jane and Michael Stern. It tends to emphasize diner and barbeqeue-style restaurants over any other style of cuisine. We stopped to eat at one of the restaurants recommended in Louisville, KY, called Lynne’s Paradise Café. I’d been there before, but it was Suz’s first time. The décor is funky and kitschy, with a wacky store that sells bacon gift wrap, guns that shoot tiny nuns, and “angry mob” action figures. She had a fried green tomato BLT and I had some black bean chile. We toasted our trip with a mojito (me) and an espresso martini (Suz) and stopped on the way out of town for some Krispy Kreme donuts (because calories don’t count when you’re on a Momentous Road Trip) and drove as far as Evansville, Indiana, where we were welcomed warmly by the Patel Family of the local Comfort Inn. After a great night’s sleep, we drugged the cats and are now on our way again….

Life Away from Judy Branch

2008-10-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

NOTE: I don't know if I'm going to change the name of my blog or not, but I figure that I will keep on writing to keep you all posted on this new chapter in my life. Right now, we are on the road - the official westward journey to relocate in Oregon. It has been a really long few weeks of uprooting and packing and getting rid of so many things and saying so many goodbyes. But now the fun has begun. The ROAD TRIP. The next few blog entries will be coming both from me, and my guest blogger and cohort in travels, Appalachian Diva - my soul sister and very fine friend. We'll try to post pictures as well as we go.

The Dearly Departed

2008-09-23T18:26:00.001-07:00

I meant to write during my last days on Judy Branch, but something happens to time once you set yourself on a path. Ever since I decided that I really was moving, I have had twice as many things to get done than I usually do. Those of you who really know me are aware that I typically try to fit at least 36 hours worth of living into each and every day. Lately, it's been more like sixty hours a day. And even though I am as incredibly talented at packing as many tasks into a day as I am at packing lots of stuff into small spaces, a full three weeks of this behavior most certainly has had its toll. By the time it came down to packing up the Uhaul and moving my stuff out of Judy Branch, I had gone two weeks with an average of four hours sleep per night. I was wobbly at times, to say at the least. But I pushed on, and with the help of my friends and family, I have managed to get this far.

Somehow, in the midst of all the packing and tying up of loose ends, I was able to squeeze in some quality time with some of my beloved friends and my adopted family. Now that I have slept a little, I can recall some of the highlights:

1. We held a CD Release party down in Big Stone Gap for the Uncle Charlie Osborne: The June Appal Years CD (a special project I produced with the help of some really good friends), and it just so happened that the Osborne family reunion was going on that weekend and a great deal of Uncle Charlie's descendents were on hand to enjoy the music and get a copy of the beautiful CD. I really enjoyed being able to give this music back to Charlie's family and to see some of my good friends down Virginia way.

2. I got to enjoy my last Carcassonne square dance as a local, dancing almost every dance with my good pal Woody Goodman and playing the last dance with Lee Boy. Sadly, Woody was killed last night when a tree fell on him, and I am gonna miss him something terrible. He was my favorite dance partner and most certainly my favorite DJ on WMMT. And, perhaps most important, he and his wife (sister to neighbor Billy Jo) and Carcassonne were my link to Judy Branch. They helped get me here, and I am torn up that my pal Woody isn't going to be out there on Elk Creek or running around saving the world in his Prius anymore. All day as I've packed, I have heard his voice in my head, talking to me about my move to Oregon. At times I can even hear him reacting to the way he died. How ironic, and in someways how perfect, that a true treehugger like he be taken out by a tree?

3. After a dinner gathering of Cowan Creek Mountain Music School faculty, a bunch of pals hosted a special set at the local coffeehouse/bar (yes, the county seat recently got liquor by the drink for the first time in 60 years!), and I got to visit with quite a few friends and play some tunes with some of my best buddies. Faerie Godmother was there and Rich and Brett and Woody. It was sweet, and even though I had to fight sleep and exhaustion to be there, I wouldn't have missed that night for the world - especially when my buddy Haywood serenaded me with Lil' Birdie and Baby Brett sang me Free as a Little Bird.

4. We had a grand goodbye gathering on Judy Branch, hosted by neighbors Bill & Billy Jo, and I got to spend my last "official" night on Judy Branch in the company of my neighbors, my real parents and my two set of adopted parents (Bill & Billy Joe and Cheryl & Ray) and my dear sweet friends Lee Boy and Opal and Charlie & Joyce and Beverly and Shawn & Tammy (and all their wonderful yonguns). We had a great dinner and then sat around the fire, made music, told stories and just enjoyed each other and the beautiful place that is Judy Branch.

It took longer to pack, and I had way more stuff than I thought I did, so I ended up staying one extra night on Judy Branch. Luckily my friend Lora kept me company and helped me plow through the exhaustion and get everything done.

Although I am incredibly excited about my new, yet to be seen, life out west, It was both physically and emotionally exhausting to pack up and leave Judy Branch. And I'm not referring to the three cat carriers, complete with squalling kitties, stacked next to me while I drove away. I have really loved this place and the community of which I have become a part. There's a big part of me that would love to stay in that moment around the fire with my Judy Branch family for the rest of my life. Leaving, in so many ways was impossible to think about. I just had to do it and not dwell on what I was leaving but on where I am going.

There's a whole new level to that now that my dear friend Woody is gone. I cannot bear to think of going back and him not being there. It looks like I may make one more trip up to the hollow before I hit the open road with Bella, the three cats and my dear (brave and kind) friend Carla. I know that Woody wouldn't want me to let his tragic and far too soon passing put a shadow on my big adventure, but I reckon he'd also understand the heartache that his absence leaves with us all. I just can't believe my buddy is gone. Eastern Kentucky has lost one of her finest stewards and colorful characters, and I know that nobody will ever be able to fill his place in our community and our hearts.

Moving

2008-08-28T17:11:00.000-07:00

Well, I have hinted at it for some time. Now it is a certainty. My time on Judy Branch is coming to a close. I have loved this place so much. I get a big lump in my throat when I realize that I must say goodbye to my sweet home at the head of the holler. It has kept me warm, given me food and family and watched over my baby critters as they have explored their ancestral wild instincts. When I get back home, I will have to begin packing and letting go.

But it's not all tears and heartache! Bella, Sid, Rosie, Beulah and I have a great big adventure ahead of us. We've got a house waiting for us in the great Pacific Northwest. There's a lot of miles between Judy Branch and our new home, so getting out will be an adventure in itself. And once we get here, we'll all have a pile of new experiences to sort through!

More later...

Change has Gotta Come

2008-07-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

The garden on Judy Branch turned into a jungle after I returned from a ten-day vacation to the Pacific Northwest. Veggies and weeds alike are thriving. Except for the eggplant. I managed to get the flea beatles under control, but the poor things just haven't grown at all. I harvested my first zucchini yesterday and while weeding the rest of the blooming squash, I saw the beginnings of a few patty pan! My beets, which I had worried about being puny, must have been really busy while I was gone, because they are now twice the size that I left them. Little okras are coming out and should be ready for the kitchen any day now. And I unexpectedly grew the most divine lettuce - drunken woman. Beautiful green ruffles that are delicious.

I've got a lot of weeding to do as payment for my time off. Good news is that I should have more time for garden work now that I've quit one of my jobs and have put my notice (a few months notice, but notice all the same) for my main job. Things are going to change for me in the next few months. My hope is that quitting these jobs will launch me into the next great adventure, whatever that may be. Who knows?

I got to spend time with my best friend, who moved out to Seattle about seven years ago. The day before she and her boyfriend came out to meet me on the Olympic Penninsula (where I was camping), I somehow managed to get the most severe sunburn of my life (I hope). She took me home with her and ended up nursing me with medicinal herbal tea and icing my poor legs down with Ranier beer and a bag of frozen lotus roots. It was so nice to have somebody to take care of me and keep me company when I couldn't even manage to walk around due to swollen ankles. I realized how much I miss living near any of my closest friends.

Life on Judy branch has been amazing, especially because of my wonderful neighbors and my crazy zoo of a family. This weekend, the nearest town had a little festival. One of my banjo students, a nine-year old girl, and I played a few tunes for the crowd while my current housemate/intern accompanied us on the fiddle. I loved that I knew most of the people in the crowd. I especially enjoy my neighbors/landlords Bill & Billie Joe. We all love living on Judy Branch so much and can talk for hours about gardening, the state of the world and anything else that comes to mind. They came by the house later in the afternoon to check on a problem I was having with the oven and to show me how Bill had rigged the starter of the lawnmower. I sure will miss them when I move on. If I could take Judy Branch with me, wherever I go, I surely would do it.

planting seeds, watching things grow

2008-05-26T18:12:00.000-07:00

the past few days have been rich and full. i started with a quick trip down to knoxville where i sat in on a digital storytelling training that carpetbag theatre was doing for teenagers, who i will be helping to connect with other youth groups across the city this summer. the kids in this training will be teaching other teens how to use digital storytelling to reflect on their own experiences. it's a really cool project, and i'm so glad to be part of it, even if it's a small role!

then i headed up north to lexington to get ready for a big day of benefit events for the Cowan Creek Mountain Music School. for nearly 24 hours, i was embraced by an amazing community of music and friends that i seldom ever get see or hear all together at the same place. the musicians and the people involved with CCMMS are all such beautiful people. it's hard to pinpoint what exactly it is about the CCMMS that brings people together in the way it does. the closest thing i can come up with is that CCMMS is like this alternate family. once you become involved in this indescribably beautiful, enriching experience, your roots begin to intertwine with those other folks experiencing this with you and there's this bond that grows between everyone, traveling through the music and the stories and the shared experiences and creating this wild, beautiful garden of people, music and mountain culture. saturday was like a brief preview of what's gonna happen the last week of june here in letcher county. we played music, danced and just enjoyed a great time together. the first half of the day was an outdoor concert and square dance on the shady grounds of an old house in a lexington neighborhood. then we all headed over to al's bar, about two blocks away, and had a great big jam session for about two hours. we didn't really want to stop, but we did so we could get the benefit show started. more amazing music. one of the best nights of music or nights out on the town (any town) i've ever had!

this weekend provided far more social interaction that i normally get in a month, much less two days. so after saying farewell to the seven or so friends who all piled into the hotel room with me saturday night and catching a brunch with a few more friends, i headed back to eastern kentucky, feeling my entire body and soul relaxing deeper and deeper the closer i got to judy branch. i met up in blackey with my friend george gibson (also a CCMMS musician/supporter), and we headed over to lee & opal's house for a visit. lee has lost all hearing in his right ear and has not been playing much music at all lately. having george over got him to playing his banjo and his fiddle, and even though we had to help him with tuning, he sounded just as good as ever! i'm glad that we got him playing, and we're all hoping that his ear will heal and he'll get some of the hearing back.

once i got home from lee's house, i was more than ready for a good long patch of time without laying eyes upon, hearing or talking to another person. after a good long sleep (went to bed early & slept late), i got to working in the garden, and i spent all memorial day doing just that. for the first year i've been out here, i've planted the entire garden spot, and that's a mighty big garden! i'm glad to report that things are looking really good. right now the only harvestable crop i've got is curly mustard, and because of the cool weather we've had the past week or so, it's doing really well. i'll have to eat a lot of mustard greens in the next few days and weeks, b/c as the temperature goes up, they'll start to seed. the herbs i have planted around the house and on the porch are also doing well - the mint is reaching for the sky. the oregano smells lovely, and the lavender is getting ready to flower. cilantro is coming up in a pot, and i believe that the thyme (or is it marjoram?) is getting ready to bloom.

back to the garden: the peas are also coming up, but no pods yet. i didn't get them planted on valentines day. in fact, i didn't get them planted until early april! i expect i'll have peas by mid to late june. here's what else is coming up: okra - lots of it and several varieties, including cajun jewel, cow horn, alabama red.... watermelon, patty pan squash, zucchini squash, crookneck squash, silver queen corn, another variety of corn left over from last year (came up where last year's crop had been). i planted some three sisters (cherokee method), which is planting corn in the center of a hill with beans and squash on the outer circle, sort of like the points of the four directions in the medicine wheel. they are all looking great so far, although neighbor bill thinks that the squash won't do well in the shade of the corn, but that the beans will really thrive (they grow up the corn stalks). just in case, there's plenty of squash planted without the corn, so there will be squash a-plenty no matter what, as long as i can keep the bugs away! also coming up are eggplant, tomatoes, chile & gypsy peppers, basil, beets, potatoes. i've got butter bean (pole) and butter bean/fordhook (bushes) planted, but they haven't come up yet, nor has the dill.

today i built a raised bed for lettuce, as the lettuce growing in the big pot on my porch doesn't seem to want to get big enough to eat. i also did a lot of weeding. i transplanted even more of the baby okra plants that have been growing thickly on my porch into the long rows of okra i've already got planted and coming up. transplanted a few baby eggplants and tomatoes. i planted the lettuce beds with drunken woman and red salad bowl lettuce and then put in a couple rows of beans: blue lake and provider snap beans. i planted a bed of collard greens, and a few more marigolds, zinnias and sunflowers around the garden. then i got out the sprayer and sprayed the squash, okra & watermelon plants with diluted neem oil to keep the bugs off. neem oil is pretty neat stuff. it's a botanical extract that naturally repels most garden pests. i'm hoping it will work wonders on the squash! i started building tomato cages when the sky darkened over, and it began to thunder. got everything under the porch and started up the steps just as the downpour began.

now i'm enjoying the smell of honeysuckle (it's finally bloomed!) and the sounds of the crickets, frogs and distant bark of dogs coming in my kitchen windows.

remedy

2008-05-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

i woke up this morning feeling something terrible. the kind of terrible that got me a late start on the day and then had me stumbling about like a drunkard. amazingly, it all began to lift in the afternoon, and i ended what i thought was a wasted sunny day - and not too hot - working in my garden. even though i didn't get home until after 6pm, i managed to finish clearing out the side flower bed next to the front porch steps, break up the soil and plant some zinnias, echinachea, okra, basil and peppermint (the mint was planted in a a separate raised pot to keep it from taking over). i rigged up a fence of netting around it to prevent the dogs from trampling (or napping) on my little mini-garden.

then it was on to the big garden, where I took my new garden work bench (inherited from Granny), post driver, tall posts, garden tools, seeds and netting and did an extraordinary amount of work before night set in. i added a few more stakes to the perimeter of the garden border, which involved me balancing on top of the bench, lifting the post driver above my head and then bringing it down with force upon said stake, repeating several times, hoping not to damage my ear drums too severely (metal on metal - ouch), and then finally having to lift the post driver (which is actually pretty darn heavy) over my head again, while still balancing on the bench, and finally dismounting without falling over. i think i did that five times today - hooray! did not have enough old and new netting to entirely cover the perimeter of the fence, so i'm not quite done yet.

in addition to my little side bed, i did manage to plant: marigolds, sunflowers, beets, dill, sweet pepper, okra (two varieties), watermelon and the three sisters. the three sisters is a method of planting corn, beans and squash together in hills. i've tried this a few times in the past, but never with much success. mostly b/c i wasn't really that focused on what i was doing. this time, i hope i got it right. i built up small mounds of loose soil, put a corn seed top and center, then sort of made a medicine wheel with bean and squash seeds - two of each, alternating to make the four directions. then cover the seeds with a light layer of loose soil. i really hope i can make it work this year. i think i'll try mulching with straw once they come up...

i already have some curly mustard greens and peas coming up and potatoes planted in a trench covered with straw. the next big thing is to get some tomato and eggplants transplanted, put in some patty pan squash and get some basil going. i've got to get some new basil seeds and maybe even break down and buy some seedlings, because i've still got last years seeds, and they never did come up last year...

i worked in the garden until the critters in the woods started heckling me with strange noises and i lost all light. even though some of the sounds i was hearing would scare even the bravest outdoors person, i wasn't bothered. bella stayed close by, laying in the tall grass and keeping sentinel. no panthers, rabid deer or escaped cattle were gonna get near me without her getting to them first!

i don't know what it is, but there's something about getting on your hands and knees and getting your hands in the earth that will cure just about any ailment. i don't know why i don't just go stick my hands in the dirt at the first sign of a headache. sure works better than a little pill!

Rambling Thoughts on Family

2008-05-11T16:06:00.000-07:00

There's a great song by the Decembrists that tells a long winding tale of ancestry. A mother who was a Chinese Trapeze artist. Being lost in a game of high stakes Canasta to a Brigadeer on a ship... a sister who moved to America to start a punk rock band.
While I didn't grow up with my relatives all living around me, I have always belonged to a family who really valued being part of a family. And I mean the whole extended deal - not what is called the "nuclear" family (how creepy does that sound?!).

Even though I have always lived in communities where the norm is to live in the same hollow, if not in the back yard, of one's grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, et. al., I sometimes find that I am closer friends with my aunts, uncles, cousins, great aunts, third cousins twice removed than many of the people who live in the same community with those folk. Perhaps distance does make the heart grow fonder? All I know is that ever since I can remember, it has been a priority to attend family gatherings - from the usual - the annual Thanksgiving and family reunions- to the weddings and funerals. Even if it's for a sad reason that we get together, I find I always enjoy every second I spend with my family. We spend our time telling stories. Most of my life, I have listened, but as the older generation passes on, my cousins and I've begun to share in the storytelling about ancestors passed with my parents, aunts and uncles.

There are so many characters in my family that I have known about my entire life. Some, I was lucky enough to know as a toddler. But others, I feel that I know so well, I continue to learn more about with each family gathering.

This weekend I attended my cousin's wedding. I shared a table with my cousins, aunts and uncles and parents. I wore an antique hat inherited from granny that had belonged to her aunt - the legendary Aunt Ruth! I ended up with a lot of Aunt Ruth's stuff. She was my great grandmother, Nanie's sister. As one of the only cousins to actually have known Nanie and Aunt Ruth, it was natural for much of their belongings to be passed on from Granny to me. Everyone really appreciated the hat. To them, it was like having that generation at the wedding with us. Then we got to talking about Nanie & Aunt Ruth's dad - Poppa. I have a few pieces of furniture, sewing cabinets and wood carvings that he made. He's one of the relatives that I grew up hearing about since I was a small child. I know well the story about what an outgoing man he was - always the first to greet a new neighbor with a homemade pie or a basket of biscuits. He made the best biscuits, and he lived to be a very old age. He befriended a crow, and each morning after breakfast, he would go out on his back step, call out "Crow! Here crow!" That same crow, every morning would fly down, perch on Poppa's arm, and Poppa would feed him (or her) leftover biscuits from his breakfast. Poppa lived alone for a very long time and never had to have anyone take care of him. He prayed everyday that God would not let him become a burden to his family and that he be taken in his sleep when it was his time to die. One night, a tornado swept through Lyon, Mississippi during the night. The next morning, they found Poppa's body high in the branches of a tree. He had died in his sleep. That was sometime around 1970, I believe.

My whole family from my parents back are, for the most part, from Mississippi and Louisiana. I had always thought of my Mom's family as being more of the Louisiana/Southern Mississippi side of the family. This weekend I learned that Poppa was originally from southwest Mississippi, had lived for a long time in New Orleans where he had been a streetcar driver and played music! He played the fiddle and made several fiddles. Later, once he had a family, he quit drinking and playing fiddle. My uncle remembers Poppa showing him how to play the bones and the spoons. He never quit smoking, though. My aunt would roll his cigarettes for him. I still have a pack of Prince Albert papers that once belonged to him.

I could spend days on end hearing those stories. Who needs television with the living memories to be found all around you?

Dogwoods & Fireflies

2008-04-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

The Dogwoods joined the party last week, and together with the Redbuds and the newly greened treetops, Judy Branch was decked out in full spring array. There are many things I love about life on Judy Branch. The quiet you can find here is something you could rarely find in any small town or relatively populated area. At night, the stars are the main attraction, with a variety of animal and insect calls and the movements of wind, water and train providing the soundtrack. Sometimes a little old time string band music or a lonesome banjo add another layer. The other night I was sitting on my porch swing with a gentleman caller - that's how we court in the Southern backcounty, on the porch swing - and I noticed a really bright light in the night sky. At first I thought I'd seen an especially bright shooting star. But then I saw it again. It took me a few minutes to figure out that the fire flies had arrived! It seemed too early for lightin' bugs, but there were a few out scouting the night skies of Judy Branch last week. I guess summer is getting ready to begin!

On the garden front, I've got my peas coming up in the garden. In pots on the porch I've got some lettuce, cherry tomatoes and cilantro coming up. I've even tried putting some okra in a pot on the porch, and it seems to be coming up. I may end up transplanting those, but we'll see how it goes! My oregano, thyme and lavender have come back strong, and I've got flats of seedlings of cherry and other tomato varieties, three varieties of okra, peppers, eggplant and basil. They've got a couple of weeks yet before I think they'll be ready to go in the ground, but I've moved the flats out onto the porch to let them get used to the outdoors. Today I've got to get my seed potatoes in the ground. This year I'm going to try a method I've heard about for some time - planting them in a trench and covering with straw. I'm planting Yukon Gold and Caribe varieties. Once I get those in the ground, I'm going to try to get my garden rows more clearly defined, add some taller stakes and chicken wire to my pea patch (it's a bit short right now), and get the netting up around my fence. Right now the deer are out in the woods having their babies, so I've not seen much of them lately. After last year, though, I don't want to provide them with any opportunity to eat up my young seedling vegetables as soon as they get an inch above the ground!

Fence Building

2008-04-21T15:40:00.000-07:00

Spring is taking hold of Judy Branch, with the red buds leading the way to the greening of the hills and hollows. It's amazing how much the sight of that odd shade of purple dotting the hillsides inspires the trees to begin pushing out little yellow-green shoots of leaves. My garden spot is plowed & tilled. The peas are coming up. Little shoots are coming up in the flats of okra, tomato, eggplant and basil I started indoors. This week, my main projects are to plant my potatoes and get the deer fence up. Oh yes, and to borrow neighbor Bill's lawnmower and mow the overly enthusiastic grass around my house.

Just Breathe

2008-04-02T19:22:00.000-07:00

Judy Branch is coming alive with plants growing and bugs coming out of hibernation. Do those buzzing creatures actually hibernate? It's a sight at the mouth of the hollow to see the variety of flowering trees and then to come toward the head and be nearly blinded by the bright forsynthia. I love being able to keep the windows open both during the day and at night (well, not tonight). I know that I'm going to have to move on to a new place sometime soon, but the thought of leaving Judy Branch now that spring has started to work its magic is just about unbearable. I know this about myself: I get way too deeply attached. It's so hard to leave. But I also know that once I get to my new home, it takes no time before I fall deeply in love with that place. I'm a nester. It's really hard for me to uproot and leave my nest, but I relish in flight and in the act of building a new nest.

So where will I fly off to and where will I find a place to make my nest? It's thrilling and terrifying and exhausting, and pretty soon I will have to choose a direction to fly - even if I don't know where it will take me.

Change of Pace

2008-03-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

It seems life life has dramatically picked up pace over the past few weeks. I feel as if I went through a pretty long period of calm. Lots of sleeping with many quiet evenings and weekends at home here on Judy Branch. Certainly, some of that mellow life pace was due to the sloth-ing effect of depression while some was the tradition of winter hibernation. Somehow, I missed the transition. It seems I've suddenly switched from snail speed to super sonic sprinting. I am stunned that it is Sunday evening and I have not really gotten a decent amount of down time or sleep in several weeks. There's just too much to do, and I'm glad to say that the doing is not all work-related. On top of all the things that are keeping me too busy, I also have a running list of things I would like to aim this nervous energy at: getting my garden planned and started and a thorough house-cleaning are on the top of that list.

There are other things I'm putting off. These are the decisions I've got to make about what is next. There are a few options opening up, and my renewed appreciation and engagement in my life and work here in EKY makes it incredibly difficult to even consider these new opportunities that I worked so hard to make happen. Now that they are real possibilities/offers that I must either embrace or push aside, I am not as certain as I was when they were simply dreams of escape...

But Im also pretty damn curious (and hopeful) to see what's going to happen next. All I am hoping for is that the epiphany will gently wash over me and I will be able to skip off in whichever direction I'm meant to go without looking back and wondering if I made the right decision.

promise of spring

2008-03-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

there's something about early springtime in the mountains that gives my heart a little hug. lately, i feel like i have been falling in love with judy branch all over again. i love the sound of the rain on my tin roof & the bubbling of little judy branch when it is full with waters rolling down from the mountain top. i love how one evening i will have my kitchen windows open listening to the songs of the peepers, and the next night and day a snow storm will drop several inches of snow. one more day, the sun melts it all away and the deer are back to grazing near my soon-to-be garden spot.

this weekend has been a simultaneous uplift and challenge to my spirit. i got snowed in, which is a truly lovely experience out here on judy branch. wood stove roaring, fuzzy critters to keep me entertained and also keep me warm, and a beautiful wonderland to explore in the day. i went on a long walk with bella and the JB pack, taking photos of all the judy branch wonders covered in snow. inside was a different story. as soon as the snow storm really began, around 4AM friday night, little beulah went into heat. talk about a change in atmospheric pressure! so while we've all been uplifted by the snow, we've also nearly lost our minds with the incessant yowling and often unwanted affections of a kitten who just now became a queen.

with all this going on, i have also come to terms with how i feel about my job situation. i have made a tough decision and decided to be patient rather than accepting a job that would take me to a place i'd like to live but not really fulfill me in the ways that i really need to be fulfilled. i am learning that geography isn't everything - and the "progressive" mountain area of WNC isn't really worth what i'd have to give up to move back there.

Peepers

2008-03-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

I know I've talked and pondered and daydreamed out loud about wanting to live in a more lively place. A city, with people close to my age and all the perks of public transportation, close proximity of home & work & fun, eating out, entertainment and nightlife. In theory, that all sounds ideal. I certainly appreciate these aspects of more urban places when I go for a visit.

Tonight the peepers have come out and are singing their little hearts out from all sorts of soggy places here on Judy Branch. The wind is teasing the tips of trees and playing tunes on the wind chimes that hang all along my porch. It's times like this that I must be honest with myself (and with you, my two or three blog readers). There is no place I feel better than way out in the country, preferably mountain country, where the neighborhood noises are the sounds of the wind winding it's way through trees, dogs barking across the distance, cows munching on grass, peepers and bullfrogs celebrating a temporary escape from winter hibernation. Here on Judy Branch, I love how the sound of coal trains mingle with the sounds of insects and people working outside and the creek bubbling over roots and rocks. I love how I can feel somewhat alone but also in comfortable distance of the handful of neighbors living in this hollow. In the day and early evenings I love how I can hear (but not usually discern the words) of my neighbors sitting on their porches or working out in their yards. The chickens and horses down toward the head of the hollow. These sounds seem to bounce around the bowl in which we live, so that you can never really tell how far away that four wheeler or that newly weaned calf really is. You feel like you have your own space and privacy, but you also have the comfort of knowing there's good folks around should you need some help or some company.

My nearest neighbors are a young couple, just one year older than me. Whenever they see me, they tell me that one of the things they love about the warmer days here is when the sound of music drifts over from my porch into their windows. I love to practice my banjo on the porch swing, and I've been known to host a few all night jams on spring or summer nights. It's nice to live in a place where the neighbors get up in the middle of the night to open more windows to let the music drift in rather than calling the police and filing a complaint!

In my heart, I am such a country girl. I love that I cannot hear the sound of traffic from a busy road and that I know well in advance if anyone is approaching my house - whether by four-wheeler, car, horse or by foot. I love that there's no street lights, and that on cloudy or moonless nights, if I forget to leave on the porch light, I have to use my keychain flashlight to find my way to the house. I love that if I'm preparing a meal or working on a project, that if I don't have something I need - like a cup of all purpose flour or a socket wrench - that instead of running to the store, the first thing I do is call my neighbors and see if I can borrow. Going to the store and back would take up so much time, and when there's an option of staying here on Judy Branch, I'd much rather do that almost any day.

So tonight, accompanied by a chorus of peepers, windows and porch doors wide open and surrounded by my furry family, I give thanks and sing the praises for my life here on Judy Branch.

Edge of Winter

2008-03-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

As I was driving home last night, I was thinking about how my life really isn't that bad. The desperation I've been feeling to move on to something new basically comes from a severe case of depression. Those feelings are not based on my situation so much as my psyche.

This weekend was pretty full, but all with familiar things that blur the line between my professional and personal life. I suppose that a lot of my time is spent with half my head covered by my work hat, the other by my time-off hat. We had a really great old time jam this Saturday, followed by a square dance that night. Life has gotten quite a bit better in our county since the county seat began allowing liquor by the drink a few months ago. First time alcohol has been allowed to be served or sold here in 40 years! That's a big change, and I think it has mostly been positive. At least my experience of it. A new cafe/coffeehouse opened up downtown that seems like it came straight from Asheville or any of these other downtown-revitalized places. Nice atmosphere, original artwork on the walls that rotates every couple of months, very nice sandwiches and a selection of beer, wind and spirits that is atypical of this region. I can now eat out and have a hummus sandwich instead of my usual grilled cheese. And I have my choice of a cold PBR or something a little fancier. I even have the option of trying beers whose names I've never heard nor could I ever pronounce! These little details may not seem that special to some folks, but they are pretty novel for folks living in deeps of Eastern Kentucky.

Sunday I worked in my garden, clearing out the tomato cages and various fences that, without success, I attempted to deter last year's deer population. As soon as the ground dries up a little, I need to get it turned over and plant my peas. I spent the later part of the day over at Lee and Opal's house. Learned a couple of really nice tunes, had a good dinner and sat around and talked for a few hours. I'm putting together a couple of big celebrations in honor of Lee Boy's 80th birthday, which falls on Easter Sunday this year.

Yesterday was a pretty busy workday, but it felt productive. Had a home-cooked country dinner at the community center at our monthly board meeting and then had a relatively new experience. I went downtown and saw a great band, the Felice Brothers, play at the little coffeehouse/cafe. Just a few months ago, going out on a Monday night to hear live music- with the exception of bluegrass- anyplace other than somebody's living room was unthinkable unless you drove a couple of hours to the nearest "city." So life IS getting better here, and I am aware of it. I wish I could fully feel the joy of these parts of my life. I'm hoping the combination of a new garden season, the anticipation of festival and camping season and trying out this whole therapy thing will pull me out the dregs and allow me to feel a little more than a watered down version of happiness.

Bright Stars

2008-03-01T18:52:00.000-08:00

You can only see a piece of sky, tucked in the mountains here on Judy Branch. But when there's stars to be seen, they are the brightest in the whole world.

I'm so glad the clouds have blown away, at least for this one night!

Purgatory?

2008-02-29T16:55:00.000-08:00

I didn't grow up Catholic, so I don't really have much understanding of the faith other than from what I've picked up through secondhand sources - literature, movies, etc. But I did grow up Southern Baptist, and I always felt there was a bit of affinity between the two religious cultures. Especially when it comes to issues of guilt, repression and a tendency to punish oneself more than rewarding or celebrating. Why do so many people fall into a belief system that tells them that it isn't okay to be happy or to do things that will bring personal joy or satisfaction? Why do so many of us hesitate to do nice things for ourselves and opt instead to get those good feelings vicariously by doing nice things for others?

I'm not advocating for the "me first" attitude that is so prevalent in the world, especially among the aristocrats and free market capitalists. there's plenty of people that always put their own personal gain above all else. what i'm pondering is why there are so many good people - the best people in the world- who treat themselves so poorly, beat themselves up and never seem to be able to do enough good for others and the world to make themselves feel good or satisfied. and why do so many of them forget themselves and their own needs and desires in this quest to make the world a better place?

some people have a passion that only allows them to be aware of their own desires without any sense (and apparently no care) of how their actions in following those desires might impact others. i had a friend like that once. it was intoxicating how intensely she would go after whatever it was she desired most. everything in her life was magnified and melodramatic, and it seemed like her emotions, her current dilemma was the most important thing in the entire world. i'm sure it was in her eyes. but that wasn't enough. she couldn't understand how everyone around her wasn't on board. surely, the outcome of her dilemma was the most important thing in everyone else’s lives, and if it wasn't, then damn them - they must an enemy (we've heard this before: "you're either with us or against us!"). at first, it is easy to get swept up in the passion of such a person. to really want to help to bring that desired outcome into fruition. but eventually that contact buzz wears off, and you're left realizing that to people like, you only exist as a pawn or an obstacle. these people are often some of the most sincere you ever meet, at least while they are in that moment with you, and it is heartbreaking when you realize that they really don’t (and perhaps can’t) see the impact their actions have on others.

the other kind of passion is one that is focused on trying to make a difference in the world, and perhaps do some damage control from all the horrible "collateral damage" that results from the worst pursuit of personal gain. I know so many people who work non-stop to try to ease some of the pain or make the world a little better in the aftermath of human greed. there are so many people and animals suffering in the world, that the passion these people have for mending as much of the hurt as they can will never be fulfilled. there's a string of making a difference on a small-scale all throughout one's life, but it never seems to be enough. and it never will be. these people care so passionately that they don't give up. they work day and night and burn themselves out because of this passionate desire that pushes them on and tells them that the work is far more important than the self. in the worst case scenario, these people burn out, becoming shadows of themselves and forgetting how to find or experience personal joy and pleasure. i've seen this happen, and it is truly heartbreaking.

i know that it's not a dichotomy. there are all kinds of folks out there. i tend to be more of the save the world first then save myself breed. but i'm trying to learn how to get in touch with what i most passionately want for myself (outside of saving the world!). i know i dwell too much on the "impactfulness" of every single thing i do or say, and that this is not helping anyone. i need to adopt some "don't give a damn" and apply it to my own life, while keeping a solid footing in the ideals that guide my life.

last year i tried out a chiropractor and also went to a masseuse - two things i never would have "splurged" on, but finally tried in attempts to get relief from my back injury. this week, i tried therapy. it's too early to tell if i'll take to it, but i'm ready to give it a try and to keep an open mind and heart. i hope that maybe i will learn how to figure out what it is i really do want for myself and my life. right now, i just can't see beyond my life as it is right now - which is defined by the work i do, not by what i want for myself.

What's next?

2008-02-26T18:17:00.000-08:00

I'm glad to be back on Judy Branch after a solid week of going all over the place and trying to fit 36 hours into each day. A lot of my working trips have plenty of down time to play and sleep, but this trip was not one of those. It was nice to be in New Orleans and Memphis, but it took every drop of my will power to keep myself going. Why did this trip take so much more out of me than usual? I guess that drawn out bout of illness didn't really allow me to bank up some energy before I hit the road.

My trip was supposed to start last Monday with a day trip up to Morehead for the Women in Traditional Music symposium. I was so excited about finally getting to see Hazel Dickens, and even more excited to see her performing with some of my favorite women and friends. Those plans got trumped by the worst stomach bug I've ever experienced. So, my trip started off with me bedridden and missing yet another chance to meet Hazel! I had to be down in Knoxville Tuesday for a meeting, but I rescheduled for later in the day so I could move at my barely recovered state. Flew to New Orleans Wednesday morning, totally drained and on the third day of not eating. Then it was three days solid of meetings, watching a rainy New Orleans through the windows. My hotel mate came down with the stomach flu and I switched rooms to keep myself from getting sick again!

A 6am flight to Memphis on Saturday meant getting up at 4am to get to the airport. Then a presentation at Folk Alliance, delirious and really tired of being around far too many people. An unexpected highlight was that I finally did got to see Hazel Dickens - and a piano didn't fall on my head to prevent me! First, I sat in on a great interview session that John Lily did with her and got to hear her talk and also sing with Ginny Hawker and Tracy Schwartz (he played fiddle). Then, I got to go out to dinner with her! She is so witty and intelligent, and so incredibly funny. I didn't need to do anything else at Folk Alliance. That was all I needed. I was ready to sleep. And that would have been so wonderful, except that my hotel room was packed with squatters that my roommate gave floor space (before I got in from New Orleans). I was nice as I could be and tried to be coherent and talk with folks, but all I really wanted to do was take a long shower and go to bed. I mean, it was 10pm and I'd been up since 4am! Oh well, 6am and I was back to the airport and headed to the next step. Got to have lunch with Mom & Dad, pick up Bella from the kennel, take a nap and then hit the road to be in North Carolina for the last meeting of the trip.

And now, I am home and ready to get snowed in with my furball family and my own bed and peace and quiet.

Strike One

2008-02-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems that a doctoral degree in Ethnomusicology is not in my immediate future. Which shouldn't really surprise me. I'm surprised I ever even considered that as an option. I dropped out of every ethnomusicology class I signed up for the last time I was in grad school. I got so annoyed at the academic approach to music that I feel so personally connected to. I was misled. What I really am interested in writing about for five years cannot be approached in the way I would want to approach it through Ethnomusicology. So I am back to that damn question again. I would like to do further graduate study, but where am I to go after two interdisciplinary degrees?

I must admit that I am a little bit disappointed in myself for letting myself be courted and led on by a program that I knew deep down wasn't a fit. Especially after I just went through that this summer on the romantic front. It's just depressing to be rejected by someone or someplace you didn't want to be with in the first place, but were willing to go along with just because there wasn't much else to do...

At least one option has been cleared away. It would have been pretty crazy to move three cats and a hillbilly dog to a big Yankee city, and I'm relieved that I won't be dealing with that as a new adventure!

On the Mend

2008-02-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

After sixteen days of being sick and consequently spending most of my time at home either on the couch or in my bed, I finally succumbed to cabin fever. I got myself out of Kentucky and set off for Mom and Dad's house in hopes that a little parental care might speed my recovery. I don't know if I put this in previous blogs, but my flu/cold dropped a few symptoms and then morphed into a very nasty case of bronchitis. At least, that's what my doctor (who is actually my neighbor here on Judy Branch) told me once I broke down on day 14 and went to the walk-in clinic. Some of you may recall from my recent back injury that I don't go seeking medical treatment until I become convinced that I'm really not going to heal by myself.

I'm not completely back on my feet, but my spontaneous decision to hit the road and head down to Tennessee proved to be just the treatment I needed. I needed a pick-me-up, and running away for a weekend certainly did the trick. Friday night, I called of my old friends to find that his girlfriend who had recently moved out had just moved back in. I was so happy to hear her voice that I made a stop by their house and dinner out with the two the first thing on my "escape from cabin fever" agenda. We had a great dinner, even though we were told by our waitress that we were boring. We all ordered the exact same thing: the Santa Fe Veggie Burger. If you are ever in Knoxville, you should try this out yourself at the Downtown Brew Pub (I don't know the official name, but it's the brewery on Gay Street). They baste a really delicious, thick (homemade?) veggie burger with bbq sauce, grill it and serve it on a Kaiser roll with melted Monteray Jack, jalepenos and guacamole. Delicious!

Even though we were all pretty tired and us gals were both feeling sorta sickly (the guy NEVER gets sick...a total mystery), we had a great dinner out. These are the friends who lived in Poland for a year and inspired my first adventure to that great land a few years back. I was so psyched to hear that they have plans for a trip around the world, hopefully next year. Hell yeah. I am SOOOO glad that are staying together, because they are just so wonderful to be around when they are together.

Over the past few years, several of my good friends, who also happen to be couples and seemed to be really good matches, have split. Almost all of them had kids. As much as I have been happy for each as s/he have pursued new paths in life and romance, a part of me grew even more cynical about the feasibility of love and human companionship in this day and age. I really don't need any further validation/promotion on that line of thinking. So hooray for my pals for realizing just how great they are together!

Saturday, I spent the day hanging out with Dad and my dog, Bella. We sat in the kitchen and talked theology and politics and then took our conversation into the unseasonable sunshine, walking the greenway and then grabbing lunch downtown. I really love talking theology with my dad. He has such a grounded, thoughtful and open-minded perspective, and it's because of him that I never lost touch with the really great spiritual teachings that can be found in Christian texts. We spent the afternoon relaxing in front of the TV watching SEC basketball games, most notably Kentucky beating Alabama (go Wildcats!).

Saturday night, I met up with my friend L. for sushi at this AMAZING place in Knoxville called Nama. Arriving at 6pm, we were told there was an hour and a half wait. So we put our name on the list, gave them L.'s cell phone number and decided to walk a bit. Both of us being Maryville-raised gals, we were noting how this urban revitalization that has hit downtown Knoxville is something neither of us ever imagined possible, commiserating at the Knoxville of our teenage years. We didn't get far until we came across an upscale wine and spirits shop - right downtown on Gay Street! How novel! So we went inside. I bought a bottle of red wine called "Bitch, just because it was called "Bitch" (and b/c it was only $10). We both bought some Polish potato vodka. Then we were called and offered seats at the sushi bar. So much for an hour+ wait! I cannot even begin to adequately describe how wonderful and sensual the Nama experience was. The sushi chefs were really friendly and fun. I immediately loved the working atmosphere among the staff. All the brilliant colors, textures and smells made us feel tipsy before we even had our first sips of apple infused saki, which was AMAZING. We had both always just had "house" saki and not b/c it tasted good. I wanted saki b/c it was warm, but to our delight the apple infused saki was also delicious. Just what my bronchial passages had been calling for, and it was nice to switch up my nightly routine of a moonshine hot toddy before bed. The sushi chefs were true artists, and the rolls we ate were divine on every possible level. All of this and the fact that I really love hanging out with L. made for a great night out. Between talks of my friends' world-wide trek and discovering that L. and I share similar dreams of getting a bunch of land in the mountains and having a commune of sorts (some of you know of my dreams to open a slow food, old time music B&B), and I could feel myself being lifted out of bronchitis and depression and feeling a tinge of inspiration and hope for the future. That is certainly an improvement!

Getting home to Judy Branch this evening, I found an unexpected package hanging in a black garbage bag tied from my mailbox. I love this solution that rural mail carriers have found to leave oversized packages at the row of mailboxes that makr the head of the hollow. Once I got everything unloaded and got my accusatory welcome home from the kitties, I opened the mystery package to find that my old friend E. (old, as in we've known each other since we were like 6) had sent me a get well care package. What a great surprise of wonderful comfort treats, including an assortment of teas a volume of McSweeneys(!), cookies, hot cocoa, coffee, soup (dried) and a fantastic mix CD. I love music mixes from E., because he has such an eclectic taste. Being so immersed in the old time music world, I've lost touch with what all is out there, and thanks to friends like my Seattle sister and E., I do manage to get introduced to some newer (as in post-Civil War), hip tunes. (Thanks E.! I hope this super long blog entry makes up for my lack of consistent blogging...)

In the next week I should find out about whether or not I've been accepted to the PhD program in IVleague/Yankeeland. There's a couple other possibilities up in the air as well that will reveal themselves as well. A lot is up in the air, and I am finally waking up enough to feel the electricity in the air, static anticipation of coming change. What will it be? To quote the Replacements (with the disclaimer that I'm not using this quote in reference to Judy Branch but to my life in general): "Anywhere is better than here."

so fresh & so clean

2008-02-06T16:51:00.000-08:00

since bella came to live with me when she was just a little pup, i have been amazed at her ability to keep herself clean. she's got this white, silky fur that seems to clean itself. bella is not a prissy dog by any means. she loves to drag her belly in muddy bogs and run up and down mountains and through creek banks. there have been many times when she has come home covered in mud. i'll leave her on the porch, and when i come out an hour later, she is miraculously spotless! fortunately, she is not into rolling around in the remains of deer carcasses or other dogs' poo.

she has, however, had muddy moments that required my intervention. a couple of nights ago, bella had the fourth bath of her fours years of existence. she was very well behaved, and even though it has continued to rain these days following her bath, she has not gotten a bit of mud on her shiny coat.

why am i writing in my blog about this? well, it's something other than my battle with "post-viral bronchittus" or my waiting to see what the hell is going to happen with my life (job A, job B... phD?).

the waiting game

2008-02-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

i feel like this winter has been a waiting game. right now, i'm waiting for this nasty flu to get done with me. i'm also waiting to see what doors are going to open. i know my life is going to change pretty drastically, no matter which doors may swing open. i'm just having to be patient and try not to imagine what my life will be like in a few months. i probably should be grateful for this persistent flu, since it has done a good job of keeping my mind focused on making sure my lungs stay inside my body while i violently cough everything else out!

i got sick the day after i returned from portland, but i think the bug actually went on the trip with me and respectfully held off it's full-fledged invasion until i got back home.

i have to admit, the most recent portland trip was a bit more low energy than those in recent years. maybe because i was at the cusp of getting sick, or maybe because i have been really low energy for some time now. or it could just be because i am currently subsisting at a crossroads of uncertainty, and that can be a pretty mellowing, somewhat numbing experience.

bella, my steadfast companion, has been really sticking close to my side for the past week or so. she usually will ramble about with the judy branch pack during the days, but with me being sick, she has become a house dog/canine nursemaid. she wants to go everywhere i go, even if it means sitting in the car and/or sleeping at the foot of my bed for hours. it's pretty amazing how dogs have such a keen intuitive sense when it comes to their chosen two-legged companions. bella was also stuck to my side like this after my back surgery. you couldn't get her to leave my side for anything. it's pretty humbling to experience such loyal companionship. i just hope she isn't sensing some kind of more serious illness than a stubborn case of the flu!

new beginnings

2008-01-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

last night, i checked in with the tarot deck to see how my path is unfolding. i'm not the most adept tarot card reader, but for over a decade i've found that laying out the cards has really helped me put my life in perspective. what keeps coming up in my cards, and what came up last night was hard work accomplished: time to move on to new beginnings.

i'm getting there, but i want to give a pat on the back to my best pal and soul sister for her own "moving on" to a new job. a job that opens up her life so she can do all the creative things that she is meant to spend her time doing! she never fails to inspire me, even from 2,000 or so miles away...

at the hot springs retreat, a couple of the french broads (those are the gals who gather at hot springs) and i took a day trip to asheville where i took a look at my favorite bookstore for a new tarot deck. what i found has brought whimsy into what has lately been a somewhat somber soul search. it's the housewives tarot. and you can get a reading online. come on girls (and guys), discover your inner housewife:
http://www.housewivestarot.com/

beulahland

2008-01-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

i never did tell you what happened to my foster kitties: the grey and white cat was adopted and moved back to virginia, while the black and white one has been christened "beulah" and become part of the judy branch circus.

why beulah?

in portland there is a bar called beulahland. even if it was a horrible dive (which it isn't), i would still love that place just for its name. i find it comforting to know that you can get a cold beer, sardine sandwich (if that's your thing) and a moon pie there. for those of you who don't get why that's so cool, study up on your old gospel tunes. beulahland is a classic, a real beauty of a song that is commonly sung in country churches in appalachia and the south. i reckon it's in the bible somewhere, referring to that place you go after you die. beulah got her name because there's a bar named after my favorite gospel tune. that sort of wonderful fusion seems to capture who she is.

in about a week's time, i should be walking through the doors of beulahland. and i mean for it to be the one that's in oregon. i think i'll order a bloody mary with my grilled cheese sandwich and save the sardines for my beulah back home. yum!

2008-01-03T16:38:00.000-08:00

addle
(from the OED)
v. trans. To make addle; to muddle; to confuse (the brain); to spoil, make abortive.
a. In addle egg: ...A rotten or putrid egg; one that produces no chicken. Applied usually to a fecundated egg in which through exposure to cold the chick dies during hatching; but also to an egg having no germ, which soon begins to decompose; and apparently sometimes to an egg no longer fit for food because partly hatched. (The idea of abortiveness led to many word-plays on addle and idle.)

This word has kept popping into my head. I believe it is my brain's rebellion against two solid weeks of countless hours of writing within the confines of a few pages, or in today's case, in the space of 2,000 characters. After twelve or so hours at the keyboard, my back aching, my lower legs and toes numb and my fingers cramped and stiffened, my brain most certainly is addled, and if it has its way it would throw addled eggs at me until I quit this ridiculous behavior. I have no doubt, if it had the ability, my brain would have aborted my stubborn, workaholic spirit and gone out to celebrate the New Year doing anything other than writing a personal statement for a Ph.D. program.

I gifted myself with two Xmas presents this year: an online subscription to the Oxford English Dictionary and a new bicycle. So far, I have put the OED to great use, but not have not yet done a lot of pedaling about. The bicyle has been useful in cutting down the time it takes to do chores around Judy Branch, like feeding the dogs, squirrels, ducks and chickens when Bill and Billy Joe go out of town. The electronic OED has really made my life easier, and as much as I would love to sift through the millions of pages in those twenty volumes, my bank account and my recently stitched-up back are both grateful for my prudent decision to go cyber.

Now that I am coming to the close of one of three major writing projects, I may take a bit of a vacation from the laptop and the OED and just focus on those small pleasurable tasks of everyday life like washing my hair, cooking a proper meal, playing a little banjo, reading a book for pleasure, wrestling with the dogs and taking long walks in the snow. I'm even feeling eager to clean house.

For those of you who wonder if I've made any progress on "the big life change," two of those writing projects could clear paths in two very different directions. Is the move going to be toward intellectual reflection and scholarship in Yankeeland or a new direction within my current profession on the Left Coast? Only time will tell. I'll let you know when I get to that crossroad. Right now, I'm just pulling doors and seeing what's on the other side.

Irish Coffees, Pizza and Xmas plays

2007-12-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

I like living in a place where most people actually know each other. I like how around this time of year, school kids come over to both my workplaces to perform Xmas plays and have pizza parties. I like how the kids get a kick out of taking a field trip, even if it is just up the creek to the community center or downtown. I like that, on a good day, my coworkers at my downtown job offer me Irish Coffee and brunch.

Even though I've been feeling a bit antsy and discontented, there are quite a few things that I do like about my current situation. Foremost is that I get a nice balance of staying put (relatively speaking) and traveling about. Just a few more weeks, and I'll be back on that soggy oregon soil I love so much, drinking "damn good coffee," and soaking in as many tunes and as much city food as I can. A few weeks after that, there's a hectic weekend of hitting both New Orleans and Memphis to attend meetings, do presentations, eat a lot of good food and, of course, dance and play music into the early morn. I have to admit, work ain't so bad when it involves going to all these great cities to hang out with performing arts people and "folk" musicians. To add icing to the cake, my boss just told me that Johnny Ramone now has his interpretation of an old time band, and that they will be at the Folk Alliance meeting in Memphis. Ain't life strange and sometimes grand?

I'm not even sure how many trips I've made to the great NW and to NOLA the past couple of years. All I know is that I'll have to find a creative means to keep that travel-mojo working, because I can't stand the idea of not doing this year after year. And I still want to get back to Ukraine one day.

Travel really is an upper for me, despite how much of a homebody I can be. Now, if I can only figure out how to stay on a track that will support my habits... I've got a few possible paths in mind, but I'm not ready to tell you about them yet.

From Summit City to Crescent City

2007-12-10T09:52:00.000-08:00

More than a month has passed since my annual "birthday soak" retreat, and I now find myself in the last few hours of another kind of retreat. A very different kind of retreat, this getaway has given me something nearly opposite from the quiet, relaxed trance that lingered for weeks. Not too long after the hot springs contentment faded into memory, I found myself on a plane headed south, to New Orleans. I won't lie about my reasons. It was a business trip. But for me, and I'm sure for most others, going to New Orleans for business usually involves at least an equal amount of pleasure.

I used to secretly envy people who had one culture, one geography that they could claim as if a family heirloom. A continual string of family history- a gumbo of food, language, music and memory that kept them tied to one particular place. A part of me wanted to have grown up amongst an unending string of kinfolk, both proven and probable, and to intimately know the texture of the land that my ancestors' bodies knew.

When I come to New Orleans, I am reminded how wonderful it is to come from a family who comes from another place- not so distant, but so very different from the one where I was raised. My appreciation has grown from childhood summers chasing lizard chameleons and hunting crawdads in the thick, moist air of South Mississippi summers. The multilayered pleasure of sitting around Uncle Frank's kitchen table, peeling and eating fresh shrimp and listening to all the grown ups talk their way through the afternoon. Walking through the streets of the French Quarter with my mom in search of the best place to get a po' boy. Powdered sugar clinging to my sweat-coated skin after mom and I "cooled off" with cafe au lait and beignets. Riding the trolley up and down the route for hours in hopes of getting a breeze. Back then, I never even once thought about what it would have been like to have grown up down here. I wouldn't have traded anything for the tumbling creeks, soft cool humidity and rolling hills of my Smoky Mountain home.

The older I've gotten, the more open I am to seeing these root places - the places where my family came from - as a place that I could live also. I don't imagine I'll ever move to Mississippi or Louisiana, but with each year they feel more and more like home.

retreat

2007-11-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

this past weekend i retreated down to the banks of the french broad river, to soak in hot springs and nestle myself in the familiar landscape of my childhood home. i guess that to some folks there is not much noticeable difference between the blue ridge mountains of the tennessee/north carolina boarder and the cumberlands of kentucky or the clinch mountains of virginia. but i certainly can tell the difference - with every sense in my body.

it's been nearly a decade since i first started the ritual of retreating to hot springs for my birthday. each year i have retreated with a small group of my closest friends, and we have enjoyed a few days of pure, deliberate relaxation. this year was one of the best hot springs weekends ever, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

i have never been an incredibly social person. i would actually classify myself as socially awkward. i do really well at networking and being a hostess, but when it comes down to friendships, i am much better at connecting to individual people rather than a group. most of my life i have had an eclectic mix of close friends who, for the most part, don't really know each other. and one of my favorite things in life are those moments when i bring those people together. hot springs was just that this year.

and what was even more special was that i got to see my friends AND family enjoying each other's company over wonderful food, music and mountains. bella got permission to stay at the cabin and the folks also came up and stayed in their own little cabin down the path.

i know i still have a lot to get through and some tough decisions to make, but for now, i am enjoying the "hangover" of a truly blissful, relaxing weekend.

the sweetest sound

2007-10-23T19:35:00.000-07:00

steady rain falling on tin roof and autumn leaf. the ground sighing with sweet relief. judy branch refilling herself into life swell.

orphans

2007-10-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

when i was growing up, i lived in a one-dog house. before bella, there were two critters in my life. rascal, then samantha. both died of old age. my granny and aunt's houses were a bit different. they lived next door to each other, and between the two households, you'd think you'd found the inspirtation for doctor doolittle. both granny and aunt nancy had big hearts when it came to critters. they couldn't turn down a stray cat or pass by a turtle trying to cross a busy road. I loved going to visit them, and i loved the zoo that, for the most part, was housed at aunt nancy's. she had such a big heart that she managed to provide a loving home to a hedgehog that had been an abandoned class pet.

this weekend i was working at a festival. all weekend, the local animal rescue group had a shaded area with kennels set up with critters who needed a home. between setting the stage for bands, i would check up on the different critters to find out whether or not they had found a home. i have to give it to those folks. they do such a great job. i believe they found homes for 27 cats and dogs this weekend. only two animals were left at the end of the festival today. two adolescent cats, both gals and both small built. one gray and white, one black and white. they were from the pound and due to be put down on monday if they had not been adopted.

guess who is now a foster mom? i've got them in the basement right now, and i think they are settled in okay. the black and white, who was so shy, ends up to be the cuddler. if i end up keeping either one, i think it will be her.

tomorrow, i'll try to get them both rounded back up and into their crates so i can take them to the vet to get shots, etc. then, it's figuring out how to introduce them to the family. right now we are all three lounged on the couch together. bella, legs straight up in the air, sound asleep. sid vicious here on my lap, and rosalee just above us, slumbering on the back of the couch.

i think i'd name the black & white gal, blackey. if i keep her. it will be really stressful for sid and rosie, and i dread upsetting the balance. but with the heart that i have... what else could i do?

not going to kill myself...

2007-10-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

okay, so i realize that my more recent blog posts have pretty much been total downers. even i am starting to realize that i am probably suffering from depression. but i assure you all that i am not going to kill myself.

i do need to figure out how to get out of this slump, and i feel so lost on how to do that. i know that dealing with the surgery recovery pains isn't helping the situation.

today i am thankful for rain. it finally rained a real shower and i think it may keep raining for a couple of days! sunday i went to see lee and play a little banjo. i got some pickled beans and goose beans and one other kind of green bean, which make up for my lack of gardening this year.

too tired to try, too tired to care

2007-10-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

since i was a little girl, i've always felt a strong need to make a difference. a deep need to have my life mean something and a feeling that life wasn't worth living unless you try to make the world a better place.

lately, i've been feeling really, really tired and drained of hope on just about every level. i don't believe in myself right now, and i don't really have any hope for my life to get better. i know what i'm supposed to do when i get in a slump: explore new paths, try to discover other ways i can make a difference and lead a meaningful life. and sure, i'm trying that, but i have to admit, the best i can do right now is pretty half-hearted.

maybe i shouldn't admit all this openly on my blog, but i'm to the point where i just don't care. i'm starting to think i've been naive and believed in people and organizations i shouldn't have believed in, willingly opened up to people when i probably would have been better off just keeping to myself. the past few months, i've seen the life of an old friend-a former inspiration- unravel on newspaper pages. i didn't take the time to go visit my granny-my best friend in all my life- before i went off to poland, and she died four days before i got home. i broke down and let my parents know that i have no fucking clue what i'm doing with my life, and my dad is now terrified of me. he's scared because he doesn't know how to help me, and i guess he is seeing that i don't know how to help myself right now.

all i ever wanted to do was to be a good person, and in doing so to make my folks proud of me and to maybe win the love of a companion that walks on two legs. i am grateful for my four-legged company, and i know that my family will be proud of me no matter what i do. so why do i feel like there's no hope for me, no matter what i do?

Best Dad, ever!

2007-10-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to say that I think my dad is the best dad ever. He is such a thoughtful, kind person. And while I am incredibly thankful for all my family and friends, I have always felt a deep gratitude for the friendship I have always shared with my dad.

Recently, he gave me a book that I enjoyed - much more than I really expected: _10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs His Job)_ by Rev. Oliver "Buzz" Thomas. Having quit going to church when I was about 17, I was really stunned by how this little book pretty much covered every single reason why I gave up on most Christian churches. Yet it was, for the most part a positive book, mostly in that it demonstrated that there are a few other Christians out there who are like my dad. People who believe that discrimination of any kind is an abomination before god, that the most important lessons one can learn from the bible are those that Jesus emphasized: to love thy neighbor and to judge not, lest you be judged.

This little book puts into fairly concise words, the kind of thoughts my dad would share with me about spirituality. Thanks to my family, and especially my dad for encouraging me to use my heart, brain & my instinct when it comes to those bigger questions in life!

good to be back home

2007-09-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

bella & i are back on judy branch and enjoying the comforts of being home. not much has changed in the hollow. the loggers are finished logging (thank goodness!), and so all is peace & quiet here. bella is really enjoying the freedoms of running amok with her buddies and then coming home to belly rubs, a bowl-full of food and a good night's sleep in the country. her grandmama really spoiled her while she was in TN, but I think the perks of being out in the hollow are making up for the lack of roast beef.

return

2007-09-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

today, i get the staples pulled out of my back and then bella and i can embark on the long journey home to judy branch.

i managed to clean out a long of old baggage from my old room at the parents' house, and maybe i can do some of the same at my own house. i am ready to let go of a lot of old stuff, and i know that it's long overdue. i have always had such a hard time letting go, whether it be memories, desires, old feelings or sentimental objects. even past friendships.

there are some people who are in your life for the long haul, and there are those who are part of your life just for a brief spell. i tend to believe that people cross each others paths and become part of each others lives for some sort of reason that is beyond any one person's understanding. we can only begin to grasp, usually in hindsight, the beautiful sense that it makes that such people are part of our journey. spending two weeks at my childhood home, cleaning out so many years of my life- it's been cathartic. there's so much that i have held onto for all these years, stowing it away in my childhood closet. the novel i wrote in 8th grade, inspired by my obsession with laura palmer and twin peaks (it was titled "the diary"). fingerpaintings that my friend erin & i painted when we were snowed in during the blizzard of 93. diaries and journals going back as far as 5th grade. and print outs of my first encounter with email, freshman year of college. most were from my aunt nancy, who has been dead now for five years.

i'm really grateful that i've maintained relationships with quite a few people going all the way back to elementary or middle school, and i need to remember that, even though i don't often reach out, that there are folks out there who really know me, have known me for years, and they still love me! some old friends... well, i sometimes wish i could just clear out of my emotional hard drive and not be concerned or even care about anymore. the heart - well, at least my heart - doesn't work that way. but i do feel like i'm taking steps toward letting go and moving on to whatever it is that i am destined to do next.

what is happening to me?!

2007-09-23T17:27:00.001-07:00

i am truly amazed at how much this surgery has taken out of me. going into it, i really did expect to be up for driving back up to KY and then returning for my "de-stapling" appointment. the reality has been that the most laid back activities, especially those which involve leaving the house, leave me exhausted. winded, even!

over the past few days i have tried to get out and about and get myself reaccustomed to ordinary life. bella and i met my friend sarah for a picnic lunch, and we had a nice stroll through the park. i was totally spent by the time i got home. the next day, i took it easy all day, and then i went out to knoxville for a "ladies night" of great food, getting acquainted with new & old friends and some really great music making merriment. it was really fun, and i realized how rare it is for me to get together in a social situation with other young women (or men, for that matter) of my age group. at times, during the evening, i sort of freaked out in my own mind. while this whole situation seemed so natural and almost routine for the rest of the people there (they are all in a band together...), i felt like i was in a new world - one i didn't quite "get" yet, but that seemed really lovely. i thought on this for most of the next day, as i was recovering from the toll of my outing, and i realized that i really have lost my ability to be comfortable in a purely social situation. i am so accustomed to any social encounter being somehow related to my current jobs, that i have no idea how to be myself outside of that realm. or if there is a me outside of that role anymore!

i fully reinforced this theory when i joined a couple of my friends yesterday afternoon to catch a movie in downtown knoxville and then hit a few patio cafes on the market square. my two friends knew all sort of people who, of course, came up to talk with us and were very interesting people from our age group (30 to 40 somethings). and while i did fine to make conversation, there were so many moments when i thought, "i could never move back here and fit in with all these people. i would just cower at home with my critters."

at times i've toyed with the idea of moving back home. lately when i've come back to see how much is actually happening around here, i really think that it might be the right choice. but then i have moments like i did this weekend, where i think that my time out in the hollows has permanently disabled me socially. perhaps, i never had those skills to begin with, and that's why i've ended up where i am. i really like to have a lot of time and space to myself. i despise small talk, and i don't even try to be good at it. i have a hard time pretending to like people who i know really don't like me. i really don't know how to relate to people very well outside of a collaborative working situation, as a hostess (often also a work situation) or as a friend. and i don't tend to have a lot of friends - usually just a few meaningful friendships - real connections - do me just fine. and those people are scattered across the globe. they hardly ever have to put up with me in person, and that may be a factor in why we're still friends!

i used to think my social skills were primarily lacking when it came to dating, and recently i've been pained with the reminder that i am extradorinarily talented at scaring off potenial loves by either ignoring them and fiercely holding on to my current path or by speedily scaring them off with my openess and my ignorance about how a romance is supposed to progress. i'll admit it. i have no idea how to date, and i don't think i'm going to be given many (if any) opportunities to find out. honestly, i'd rather not. i'd rather it just fall in to place, no matter how badly i (inadvertently) try to botch it up.

i am now officially paranoid that i am doomed to an existence as a hillbilly recluse, even though i really love (and often crave) those brief interactions with people of my own age group. there are all these people out there who i could imagine as a regular part of my life, but whose world in which i cannot imagine myself ever finding my place.

i am really homesick for judy branch and i am really confused about how long i should stay out there or where else i could possibly go. when i start feeling this way, the big cold waves of the ocean out in the Pacific NW and the shores of Scotland call to me. i could rest myself upon rock faces overlooking the sea and stay there forever.

ramblings from recovery/ house arrest

2007-09-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

Prior to surgery, my surgeon told me I could expect a lingering pain in the ass. That seems to be the last to leave, he said. Well, I can't say I've literally had a pain in the ass since I came off the cutting board, but having metal staples sticking out of my lower back counts in my book as a real pain in the ass!

The surgery I had was to shave off part of a herniated disc on the left side, between the L4 and L5 on the lower part of my spine. This is the culprit that has been causing me a lot of pain, discomfort and has hampered my rough and ready lifestyle on Judy Branch for about 9 months. And it all happened from one heavy log being tossed from the back of a truck into the wood shed. That was my own personal happy 30th bday present to myself last November. I think I'll take it easy this year - and hopefully for another decade or two! After months of playing the ridiculous games that insurance companies make us play, I finally got an MRI and was able to revel in the oooohs and ahhhhs that all the medical professionals did over the severity of my herniated disc. Apparently, I am an over-achiever on more levels than I ever knew!

And now?! Well, I have about a week left of not being allowed to sit for more than 20-30 minutes at a time. No long car rides. No bending; no lifting. And no Judy Branch. That's the worst! I may be able to go home for a couple of days before the staples come back, but after my attempt to drive my car across town today, I can see why they told me no long car trips. Large, sharp metal pieces protruding from one's lower back is NOT condusive to driving - esp. when you have really great lumbar supporting seats like I do in my car.

I'm hoping to be coherent enough over the next couple of days to be able to have some old hometown friends over to play some music. Otherwise, I'm just reverting to my usual : work, work and more work! It won't be all work-work. I'm going to make my parents' really happy by using some of my confinement time to clean out my old room so that they can remodel and do with it as they please. So far, so good. I've found some really great old letters from my aunt Nancy - actually, early emails from the first year I went to college AND the first year I think email became public and mainstream! Artifacts that I'm really glad I saved. More treasure hunting and trash bag filling tomorrow. As long as I don't bend, lift, etc..

I'm hoping to mend my heart and soul a little bit too while I'm here. I go through phases where I'm really happy and confident that I made the right decision to stay one more year and work with the community center and my old job while planning out what the next steps will be. Then I am hit by a surge of doubt and depression. Am I ever really going to fully have the life I want? It is amazing how quickly I can go from feeling like there's immense potential for me to build a meaningful, fulfilled life to feeling like I will always be along, struggling to figure out my place in the world. I don't ever seem to land in between. It's from one to the other.

I am content on many levels in my life. I feel confident in my abilities in my jobs and in my role in my community - which really is intergral to my current career. I feel loved and supported by my families - which include an extended network of kin and friend across the globe, and I am continually humbled by how fortunate I am to love and be loved by such extraordinary people, including, of course, my steadfast companion Bella. I have a really big heart, and I love my family and friends with devotion and passion. I also give this kind of love to my work. And I get a lot back.

But, still there is something missing.

Ouch... er, and where I am I?

2007-09-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

Had back surgery today. The worst bit is coming out of anastesia. And that part seems to last forever.

Urg.

Rekindling the heart fire

2007-09-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Love can so swiftly lift you up from the deepest plunges of depression. And, even with the loss of my granny's earthly presence, I feel so blessed by a love that seems to sweep upon me when I begin to plunge. My granny loved and understood me better than anyone else on this earth, and I can feel her with me every moment. And I can feel her love swell and intensify as it is joined by the love I soak up from so many beings.

Tonight, I am humbled by the amazing, wildly, widely dispersed group of people who sweep into to my life and within mere moments lift me out of self loathing and heartache and bring me into a family of belonging.

I am loved on so many levels and by so many creatures, fuzzy, human and/or any combination or derivation thereof.

Tonight, I feel blessed, and I feel alive. And I am exhausted from living every moment of this day interacting with people in my community, sharing songs and stories and bringing people together - my friends from the Carpetbag Theatre Ensemble and my friends from these hollows and mountains. It's moments from days like today that remind me why I am here, doing what I do. How could I not decide to spend another year on Judy Branch when there are so many more moments to bring forth?

Your life is what you make of it, and even though I know I won't be here forever (none of us will be, will we?), I am going to make the most out of the moments I have here and be grateful of the blessing of being here.

Tonight, my love goes out to all those people in my life with whom I get to share my moments, whether in person or in word. I send my love out to you, and receive yours with such humble gratefulness and tears of joy.

Autumn IS a great time for road trips and for visits, and I'm hoping that those of you who have been wanting to see and experience for yourself, will come see me on Judy Branch real soon! This Little Bird always enjoys having company around!

Hearts are stupid

2007-09-03T22:21:00.000-07:00

That's why you should never wear them on your sleeve.

I really wish my Granny were still alive. Just knowing I could always call her, even at 2 AM, sure made living out in the middle of nowhere a much more tolerable experience than it is right now. I'm feeling lonesome something terrible, and I'm even more blue now that I know that my geographic location is an effective repellent for potential suitors. Long distance works just fine for a great array of friends, but I guess it really isn't a way to go about romance. Although I've heard tell of it working out just fine for some. In fact, one of my old college roommates has met her match (they're talking marriage) on some internet dating network like Match.com. I do have cable internet... maybe it's time to give cyber dating a try?

I'm thinking about giving up my blog, because it seems I really don't write that much in it, and I am not even sure if anyone really reads it. I'm not even sure why I'm writing right now.

Well, I do know. I've got coffee cake and cornbread in the oven, and there's a good twenty or thirty minutes left until I can take them out and call it a night. Tomorrow, I have double duty, with an early meeting to go over finances and budgets at one job and then an 8 member (plus two small children) theater ensemble arriving around lunchtime to begin a week-long residency. It's going to be one hell of a busy week.

And sometime, I need to find the time to go out to Lee's for a visit. He had a bout of bad health, and I've been trying to give him time to recover. He came by to see me at work a couple of weeks ago, though, and he's been wanting me to come out and play. I think that would do me a world of good. I may yet become a banjo player. I'm going to try to get a grant to study up some more with one of my favorite KY women banjo players. We'll see if it comes through. That may make it worth my while to stay here another year.

I just wish I could find some remedy for my lonesome heart, especially since it seems almost as good at scaring off potential suitors as my geographic location.

nevermind

2007-08-27T19:26:00.000-07:00

i am incredibly excited about this year. i'm going to play a whole lotta banjo.

and plus, i think my dog bella has super powers to run faster than any other dog on the planet.

maybe i'll enter her in the ky derby...

nagging doubts...

2007-08-26T17:53:00.001-07:00

Now that I've decided to try staying put for another year, I'm beginning to feel creeping doubts sneaking up on me. It happens when I try to sleep at night. When I'm devising garden defense plans against the rapidly multiplying deer population. When I'm sitting at home alone at night. Am I making the right decision? How will I keep from going stir crazy or falling into another deep depression if I spend another year here in the backwoods?

Oh dear.

Full Circle

2007-08-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

I'm the kind of person who tends to get attached to a place. Many people in my life have called me a "nester," because I quickly go about making a new place my home. Those tendencies make it a real emotional struggle when I have to decide whether to stay or pick up and move. For quite some time, I've felt a need to get out of my current life situation and start afresh someplace else. My moving dreams have been focused on the Pacific Northwest, with the hilly, forested landscapes that remind me of home and the lure of the Pacific Ocean.

This summer has been one of the best summers I can ever recall. And this has been because of a mix of wonderful encounters with musical friends both here in the Appalachian hills and on the northern Pacific coast. I've felt myself pulled in two directions. One moment, I'm certain that I'm packing up and moving across this great continent to seek new adventures. The next moment, I'm blissfully content in the love of my mountain friends and family, and I can't imagine why I'd ever want to leave.

One factor that has been playing into my urge to move is my need for romance. Living far out in the mountains, a girl doesn't come across many romantic opportunities. I get lonely, and since I'm not big on dating people I really don't feel connected to, I can go on being lonely for a very long time out here. I have been jokingly telling friends, "I'm going to move to Oregon to find myself a man and bring him back to Kentucky." While that may be partially part of my motivation, I wasn't planning to move just to improve my chances of finding a partner. I have been thoroughly burned out at work, and I have been looking for an out for quite some time.

Some unexpected twists have happened, and somehow all the decisions made themselves for me. First off, I've met a fellow who I feel connected to on so many levels that I can't believe I put up with all those past dating experiences (which now seem excruciating). I never knew it could be so easy to fall for somebody. He doesn't live here, but he certainly lives closer to KY than OR, and I do love to take road trips.

On the work-issue, I have found an "out," but it also wasn't the one I expected. I'm going to stay here, for one more year, and I'm going to follow my heart's work by taking a job working with the Cowan Community Center/Cowan Creek Mountain Music School. I know the energy of the folks I'll work with at the community center will revitalize my spirit, and I'm looking forward to working with such a vibrant team to develop ways to make our community a better place for us all. I'll be keeping up my other job on a part-time basis, and I'm going to submit applications to PhD programs for next fall.

Somehow it has worked out so that it seems I'm going to get to choose all the options I thought I was struggling to choose between. I get to stay. I get to fall in love. I get to plan to embark on a new adventure someplace yet to be known.

Wow, isn't it crazy how life works itself out no matter how much your brain tries to interfere?

Faerie Godmother

2007-08-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

I wanted to explain something to those of y'all who may not know. One of the greatest blessings bestowed on me when I moved to Kentucky was that I met my Faerie Godmother. Now, I'm not a Cinderella kind of girl, so I want to make sure you readers know that this Faerie Godmother ain't no fairytale kind of lady. She's magical and mischievious and beautiful and creative and inspires me at every encounter. She loves the mountains, the woods, living on a farm among all kinds of critters, growing vegetables, swimming in clear, cold Smoky Mountain streams, running around barefoot, drinking wine and gazing at the stars, sitting on the porch tellin' stories all night. That's the faerie in her. But there's another side too. She's fiercely protective of my heart, a voice of wisdom, a shoulder to cry on, a hug whenever I need one, a person to celebrate and be silly with. A guiding light and an ever patient ear. She gives me insight and hope and teaches me so many things that only she knows.

That's who my faerie godmother is. Ain't no Cinderella to that. She's the one who wears the prettiest dresses, if you ask me! And ain't neither one of us would be caught dead or alive in a glass slipper!

Lucky

2007-08-12T20:45:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been feelin' lucky.

Lucky on so many levels. First off, I am so damn lucky to have the best friend a girl could ever wish for - Bella. She's my guardian, my familiar and (according to most who meet her) the best damn dog on the planet. Why she chose to adopt me when she was a puppy, I'll never know. I just live every day with her appreciating how lucky I am that she walked into my yard and told me she was moving in.

Lucky to live a life encompassed by music and mountains. Lucky to spend my hours either alone in the quiet of an Appalachian rainforest or in the company of people who appreciate the really good things in life, like a good story, the sound of katie dids and bull frogs, the moment a colt takes it's first step, the taste of fresh corn, the art of making fried green tomatoes, learning a new tune from someone who plays a completely different instrument. Playing music until dawn.

Lucky to be blessed with a faerie godmother with whom I can share adventures and from whom I can learn the art of living life to the fullest.

Lucky to have a family that I love and respect fiercely, and who embrace me.

Lucky to have met a fellow who I can talk to on the phone for hours, even though I usually can't be bothered to pick up a phone for weeks at a time.

Lucky to live on Judy Branch here and now and to spend my evenings fussing at deer, harvesting corn and tomatoes, cooking a late supper, wrestling with Bella, fishing with Sid and Rosie and playing the banjo until I can barely keep my eyes open.

Is It Time to Slow Down Yet?

2007-08-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

It seems like I've been running around like a chicken with her head cut off nearly all summer. Except I have probably had more fun. The Kentucky Camp moved to West Virginia for a week, and we had us a big time playing music in the woods and just sitting around talking. I must say that musically, this has been the best summer yet.

On the Judy Branch front, my poor garden has really grown into a jungle, and were it not sweltering hot every day, I'd be out there pulling weeds and making sure my beans have room to grow. The corn, at least has done quite well when the deer don't knock down the stalks. I'm hoping for a cool down sometime over the next few days so I can tidy up at least a little bit. I have a feeling that I'll be fighting a losing battle trying to keep the deer out of my garden. They have taken over in my absence, and they don't seem bothered one bit by my return. I've resorted to yelling at them. They just look up and stare briefly, then go back to grazing in my yard. At least they haven't gotten into the garden with me watching. They'll get it if they get that bold!

I'm not feeling in a hurry about much of anything these days, and that even goes for figuring out my exit plan from my current life situation. I figure that I'll move on whenever the appropriate opportunity presents itself, and that could be anytime. I'm still intrigued by the Pacific Northwest, but I'm becoming more open to other places. As long as they ain't flat.

Other news is that my insurance finally coughed up permission for me to get an MRI on my back, and - BIG SURPRISE - I've got a severely herniated disc between the L4 and L5 that is pinching my sciatic nerve. So next week I go to a back specialist with a CD of my MRI results and figure out what can be done to get me out of this pain.

The Kentucky Camp

2007-07-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

This weekend I headed a few miles north for the Morehead Old Time Fiddlers Gathering, which for most of us involved is like an extension of the family reunion that is Cowan Creek Mountain Music School. No matter how challenging the past few years have been living here in KY, I can’t think of any time or place in my life that I have felt more loved. There are so many people in my life that I've come to love and care about deeply because of this impossible to describe, magical network of musicianers/old time music lovers. I've come to feel the same way about this family as I have always felt about the Appalachian hills. They are an extension of my core being, linked to my soul, a soft embrace of life-breathing, music-filled, rolling hills, timelss and ever present.

There’s so much change in the air, for me and most of the people around me. It seems I'm in a near constant state of awe in the experiences I have just surfaced from. I barely have time to stop reeling from the disbelief of how incredibly wonderful yesterday (or earlier today) was before another unbelieably full moment is upon me. And right now, all of these are swelling in my heart with the enormous amount of love that I feel pouring out of every pore of my skin.

In between these gushy moments when I am in love with everyone in my life, I have found a peace of mind at not having the faintest clue what my life will be like in a few weeks, much less a few months or years from now. I feel a calm certainty and comfort that these people I've bonded myself are going to be part of my life forever; the circle is going to continue to deepen and draw more people inside; and we are all going to take care of each other, no matter where we all end up.

Something significant changed in me living here on Judy Branch, and even though I used to think I’d always be a Tennessee girl through and through, the biggest part of my heart belongs to Kentucky, and I think it always will.

Kids

2007-07-23T17:59:00.001-07:00

Judy Branch is the perfect place to raise your kids, no matter what species you happen to be. It seems, this summer, that around every bend of a path, gravel road or turn of the day, I am reminded of the ever-extending family tree belonging to this place. On the twice daily pilgramages out and then back into the hollow I have encountered a newly dropped foal taking a precarious wobbled step, young yellow chickadees taking first flight, a young goat couple fretting over their new kid. Sitting on the porch at home here at the head of the hollow, I dim down my day with the mingled sounds of children of all sorts making the sounds of playful discovery, free of fear and full of curiosity. There is danger here, but hardly ever any fear. With an edge of reverence and thrill, neighbors tell of the forty-three inch rattler a young mother killed in her yard down Line Fork. None of us would ever seek out snakes, living by the code that you only kill when they become an obvious threat. And the next day, we are still walking barefoot to the garden, keeping a watchful eye lest another one gets too close.

I love living a place where nature is simply part of life and not something to be fought back with pesticides and shrubbery. I love that my own little girl - a bright eyed hillbilly pup - can run unleashed and unfenced up and down the mountainsides, playing in the creek and lounging in tall grass. I love that when my neighbor's cows decide to come over the creek to chew on my grass, that all I have to do is walk up and talk to them and they go right on back home. And I love how my neighbors tell their friends and relatives how much they love hearing the music come drifting over from my porch, no matter what time of day or night, and those stories get back to me at the grocery store or at work. We all share this place and work together to keep the delicate balance that makes this the kind of place where we all feel free.

I don't really know if I'll ever want to have kids of my own, but I know that I'll always want and need a family. And Judy Branch is a place where I belong to a family that resembles the cross section of an old tree trunk, with rings and rings and rings of circles. Right now, at the center, is me and the critters. Hopefully, someday soon, there'll be more that just us at the heart.

A friend of mine recently told me, when he was first courting the woman he's now married to, there was a moment when he had an ephiphany: this was a gal he could move to Alaska with. And that's when he knew she was the one he wanted to be with forever.

That's the feeling I'm waiting for. Who knows if I'll move to Alaska (although a part of me would really like to try it out for awhile...). The precise place, other than being in the mountains, is not so important. It's meeting someone who, without any hesitation or doubt, you'd want to be with in the middle of the wilderness and who could relish that experience with you, helping to maintain the delicate balance of life and being with you at the center of the circle of famiy you naturally become a part of when you live at the edge of the wild.

The Neglectful Gardener

2007-07-17T20:12:00.000-07:00

Seems I remember this blog used to be mainly about my life on Judy Branch, and much of that concerned my garden. I've been sidetracked by world travels, disabled by back pain and distracted by major life changes, but nevertheless, I have actually managed to pull off some bit of gardening. I've been a neglectful gardener, but I have managed to plant some seeds. I had an early crop of peas, turnips and beets, but I missed the most important planting time by being away May through mid-June. I came home to enjoy a harvest of sugar snap peas and to see that I really should have thinned out the turnips before leaving for a month.

The heirloom tomato seedlings neighbor Bill gave me really grew fast, but the local deer population has taken it upon themselves to prune the poor plants down to nearly leafless green skeletons. I was surprised to see one lone green tomato hanging on one plant. It may be too late, but I built a sort of fence with a top over the poor plants in an attempt to preserve whatever else the deer might find tasty.

About a month ago I planted four different varieties of basil around the tomato bed, but I've not seen them pop out of the ground yet. Neigbor Bill sowed my corn for me while I was away, and it is really coming along. The week after I got home I planted butter beans at the end of hte corn rows and squash interspersed among the corn. The squash is now coming out, and I think I better mulch it in case we actually start to get rain. Last year my squash plants rotted away because I didn't mulch. As lazy as I've been this summer, I'm determined not to make the same mistakes I did last year!

I also managed to plant about four or five long rows of okra, the Cajun Jewel variety and maybe one other kind. Still not sign of them, but I always have a hard time telling what okra looks like when it first comes up. they don't become obviously okra until they get a bit taller.

Last night I was in need of some serious comfort food, so I went into the zone many Southern women go into when they get that urge. I spent about an hour preparing myself a big supper of mashed potatoes, sugar snap peas, bbq tofu, fried green tomatoes and cornbread. Oh, and brownies with dark chocolate chips for dessert.

Lazy or Forgetful?

2007-07-16T20:15:00.000-07:00

I don' really know if I should still be keeping a blog. A while back I got quite a shock to realize that people sometimes actually read this damn thing. I never really thought that would happen (except for the lot of you who read this to check up on me and make sure I'm still alive here in the hollow).

I've been feeling the winds of change for some time, and I must admit that it is terrifying at times. I'm about to be uprooted, and I don't know exactly where I'll end up or what I'll be doing.

There are times when I wish I could forget all my old ties and start anew. But then I can't bear to let go of the truly amazing friendships I've been blessed with all these years. There's certainly been tough times. I'd rather not count how many dead friends I have, and there are others I have been saddened to watch drift away from the selves they once were. I'm glad I never got hopped up on pills or the like and became a ghost of myself. Hell, I still feel like the same person I was when I was 17. 'Cept I'm older, my back hurts and my joints ache. And now my old hell raising hometown friends are putting out country records while I'm playing clawhammer banjo on my porch. Who would have thunk it?!

A little over a week ago I got to spend several days on the Olympic Penninsula at the Festival of American Fiddle Tunes. Lee and Opal had told me what a time they had there when they went out a couple of years back. I was there with some other KY folks, and we sure did have a good time! Still, I can't say that going a week without sleep beats Lee's story of the first time he saw the ocean. He got hit upside the belly by a wave and then a seagull pooed on his head. Now that's a memory!

Family Reunion

2007-07-02T18:10:00.000-07:00

There's family, and then there's family. In the past three weeks I've been surrounded by people, who in some way or another, I consider my kin. First it was coming home to my Granny's funeral and falling back into the comfortable place I always get when I'm around all my cousins, aunts, uncles and, of course, my parents and brother. I was lucky enough to grow up really knowing my family, especially my cousins. It seems that no matter how old we get or how much our lives change, we fall into this eternal dynamic each time we gather together. There's a lot that has happened among us, and there are some that have done some things that has caused some rifts in our tight circle. Yet somehow we still manage to return to our tight-knit clan. What I noticed over the weekend of Granny's funeral was that when I see myself and my cousins all together, I can simultaneously feel the presence of our child and adult selves. We still communicate in a certain way that is timeless, and being the oldest granddaughter, I can see all my cousins as they were when they were just little. It's the next best thing to having a big passel of brothers and sisters, and I'm glad that every time one of us brings a stranger into the fold (new girlfriend, husband, etc.), that person is immediately struck by the closeness of our clan.

The other family I've been so aware of is my mountain family. These are people who know and understand me in a way that my blood family, even my own brother, cannot comprehend. I've got grandparents - Lee & Opal, Charlie & Joyce - a Faerie Godmother who is a sister, mother and best friend all wrapped up in one - and several foster parents, including Judy Branch's own Bill & Billy Joe. Since I've returned home I've been really feeling the presence of these family members, and these feelings only intensified during the Cowan Creek Mountain Music School.

Knowing that I will soon be leaveing this place to embark on a new chapter in my life has put me in quite an emotional state. It's as if I'm a rock out in the ocean, a great waves keep crashing over me. Sometimes it is pure excitement at the possibilities of a new life someplace else. Other times it's a cold soaking of grief and homesickness of leaving all these folks I've come to call family. And then there's waves of panic in which I feel as if I'm drowning and if I don't get out soon - NOW- I will suffocate.

There are certain friends that I give me hope and comfort as I prepare to jump into the abyss. Many of them are friends I've just recently come to know, friends who I met feeling as if I'd known them my whole life. This year's Cowan School was especially fulfilling, because while surrounded by my mountain family, I met several new friends from off who, in my soul, I've known forever, and in my heart I know I'll be friends with for a very long time.

I am now on the Olympic Penninsula with some KY folks, sharing a house with some SW Virginia folks and hanging out with folks from Louisiana and all over the west coast and other parts of the country. Being near the ocean and surrounded by wonderful fiddle music is just what I've needed to bring myself out of a sleepless seven weeks.

Searching

2007-06-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

I have felt a bit paralyzed since returning home from Poland. The only times that I get to feeling comfortable are when I'm sleeping (when I can sleep) or working in the garden. I was home for just a few days last week when I took off and drove down to Tennessee to spend the night and my parents' house. I'm glad that I followed my flight instinct, because on Friday I met up with my dad for lunch, and we ended up sitting and talking for about three hours. With us both returning from far off places to meet at granny's funeral, I think that none of it really sunk in until a few days after the fact. We could finally talk about losing granny and finally talk about our foreign adventures. There was a lot to talk about, and I suppose there still is.

One thing that I kept feeling when I was in Poland and Ukraine was this strange sense of understanding when my local hosts would hint at these undercurrents of resentment and/or other indescribable emotions toward neighboring nations (Russia, Poland and German for the Ukrainians and Russia, Germany and Ukraine for the Poles). As a Southerner, I could relate on a certain level to these feelings some of my new friends would allude to. But there was no way I could really communicate this to my fellow traveller, who wasn't from the South. I was both surprised and relieved when talking to my mom about my trip, that she actually brought up the mutual understanding that Southerners could have with the Polish people. I told her how one of the most interesting things for me was when I got to spend some time hanging out with a young Polish woman my own age, and how she talked about the process she had gone through with her feelings toward German people. First hating them for all the recent history, then falling in love with a German boy in college and making some really good German friends. Then being treated like a piece of "Polish trash" by a German man her dad's age that she met while traveling in Ireland and feeling those resentful emotions rekindled. Mom made the comment that as Southerners it was easy to relate to being automatically treated a certain way by people when we travel. Reconstruction wasn't as recent nor as horrible as what happened to Poland, but those feelings really do continue, and it is a difficult thing to describe to people who have never felt that. I have an uncounscious tally stored away of particularly nasty encounters in which mere strangers have treated me like I was stupid or backwards or racist or all of the above, simply because they heard my accent or learned that I was from the South. You don't forget those moments, and it makes you automatically weary and/or suspicious of folks you meet when you travel. For her it was Germans and Russians. For me it is Northerners and Californians. We both have friends from those places, but there's this unspeakable divide. I hope I got this down in a manner that does not offend my non-Southern friends. It's just something that is there and very difficult to describe, but if you're a Southerner or Polish, you may just know what I'm talking about.

Enough banter. Sunday evening, I managed to weed a good portion of the garden and plant basil and peppers next to the tomatos, squash and butter beans in with the corn and plant a good three rows (well, 9 rows if we're talking actual plants) of Cajun Jewel okra. I hope to clear the rest of the weeds out and plant a few other okra varieties and some more basil later this week.

Today was another day that I could not make myself go into work, instead choosing to catch up on emails and other projects from home. I think that I have it set so that I can do almost all my summer work away from the office. This will make easier the inevitable transition (my insides keep screaming "Must move SOOOOON!").

You Can't Go Home Again

2007-06-14T20:33:00.000-07:00

When you leave home, even if for a brief spell, it never is quite the same when you return.

I came home in time to drop off my suitcases, pack another and head to my Granny's funeral.

When I finally made it back to Judy Branch a few days later, it was to an altered place. The most obvious is that the forest around my house is being logged. For what it's worth, it is part of the forest management, meaning that it's selective logging using sustainable practices. Still, it is loud and there are people around my house when usually there are only dogs, cows and wild beasts. It's unsettling, especially since the only thing I have really craved since coming home and burying my granny is to have some time of perfect solitude at home.

I am not sure this will be possible.

I feel unsettled, and I think that I am supposed to do something about it. Soon.

There are some things that bring you home, even when your own homeplace is in a state of upheaval. I found deep comfort when I ventured over to Family Folk Week at Hindman last night to visit with my friends and join in the square dance and the late night jam session at the wood shed. It's nice to run into music buddies I only see once or twice a year and find that they already know where I've been and what I've been up to. It feels like a family, and I enjoy being a member and watching how everyone interacts. Some of these folks I see nearly every week, while others I may only see once a year. And how wonderful it is to see old friends with such long histories reunited and playing music late into the night! If only life could be like this all the time.

It's all up in the air...

2007-06-04T13:37:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be the last day of this adventure across Ukraine and Poland. I am always amazed how condensed time and space become when you live as a traveller (note: this is very different from life as a tourist, but I do not need to tell YOU this, do I?!). It feels like my brief life in Ukraine was years ago rather than a month.

I have met so many interesting people and lived a life in which every day was a surprise.

For the most part, these times have been incredibly good [bardzo dobry!!!]. But there have been times when I have yearned for my own free will and some time to myself.

There is a trade off from being a traveller who is a guest in people's homes and towns or cities as opposed to being a traveller who is a passerby in these places and, for the most part meets only other such travellers. Good points to both, and I hope that my future will allow me to merge my usual style of travelling (the latter) with the kind I have been involved with this past month.

I have a big desire now to learn a language like Polish, as fluently as possible. And I am sad to say that now my desires to once again live in a foreign land may be much more easily achieved.

A few days ago, my best friend in the whole world, my granma, passed away. As long as she was alive, I could not bring myself to move too far away, because she is so very special to me. It does not yet seem real to me, and I know that it will be especially difficult when I return to my life after this journey, because my instinct will be to go visit or to call her first thing. Before sleep, before anything else, the top of my list would be to tell Granny all about my adventures while they were still fresh on my mind.

I have no idea who I will talk with now that she is gone. It is terrifying for me to imagine the loneliness that I will feel in her absence. No matter where I may make my home, I will always crave hours of late night conversation with my granny.

Maybe I will move to Poland or Ukraine?

2007-05-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

There are certain characteristics of the communities in both Poland and Ukraine of which I feel a very strong kinship. I like how they actually embrace the idea of laissez faire in everyday life. There's an intense difference of cultures when you cross the border from Poland to either Denmark or Germany. Much more order and tidyness in those countries. I like the relaxed atmosphere of my host nations.

My friend Deborah and I have had many opportunities to share music with our hosts in many different places. Just now we are at the home of a Vetrinarian in Swinoujsin, the most northwestern point of Poland. Before we arrived here, I injured my back even more (I did something bad to in in November that has caused chronic sciatica) when I fell down some steps on the ferry from Copenhagen. I got to experinece the Polish medical system and am now on some amazing medication that actually stops the muscle spasms from both this current injury as well as the back pain I have been struggling with since November. I will bring the bottles back to KY and try to get my doctor to figure out what actually works for my problem. How funny that the Polish chiropractor immediately found somthing to cure my pain, while I have spent weeks, moths, etc. in KY trying to get just a little bit of relief!

One of my favorite aspects of this trip is that we are making real connections with people, visiting and often living in their homes. I hope to re-visit both Poland and Ukraine again and again, and I most certainly hope that my new friends will come to visit me in the states.

I don't know what my life will be like when I return home, but I know that this will be one of the most important experiences I have ever had. Americans, in general, know so little about the world outside of their own small spaces. There are so many extraordinary people in the world, so many common grounds to discover. I know that for the entirety of my life that I will be a rambler, and this soothes my soul.

Life is short, and we must make the most of it. Love the people you meet and cherish every breath that you breathe.

Today Deborah and I rode bicylces to the German border and back and explored the city of Swinoujsin. Tomorrw we depart for a new home, Wolstyn, perhaps?

A Wanderer's Update from Szczezin

2007-05-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

Internet has not been part of my reality for the past couple of weeks, and I am doubtful that it will be in the coming weeks. I will try my best to provide a concise update of my adventures.

It all began with a three hour drive from Judy Branch to Berea where I met Deb and Frank, and Frank drove us another two hours or so to the Cincinnatti airport where Deb and I met up with our fellow travellers. Then a flight to Chicago. A delay followed by a hellacious change of planes which involved leaving the secured area, re-checking in, taking a train to the other terminal where our plan had already been boarding for half and hour. Packed flight on AirLOT (Polish airlines). I watched Night in the Museum with Polish voiceover, very entertaining. Arrived in Warsaw after 9.5 hours and waited several hours for our delayed plane to Lviv, Ukraine (Lvov in Polski). The real adventure began when we landed at Lviv. The airport was one small palace looking building with high arches. Beautiful. We went into the main room of the building and were locked in to go through a detailed customs accounting. When we finally made it through into the open entrance, our host families were there to greet us.

I fell in love with my first host family, and I could live with them forever: Voldymyr, Nadia and daughter Iryna. All musicians and all genuinely amazing people. Voldymyr is a professional musican (rock n roll) as well as a conductor; Nadia teaches at a music school and Iryna is a university student who also sings and plays bandola (a traditional Ukrainian instrument). They live in a small village just outside of Lviv called Navaria and their house was a work in progress, with Voldymyr working on it as he had time. Very nice and a place that both Deb and I could easily, immediately call home. My fondest memories are of the many cognac or vodka toasts (along with chocolate eating)before bed, watching the end of the Eurovision competition (Ukraine placed second. Serbia was the winner), Voldymyr's sister's birthday party (where Deb, Iryna and I were the only English speakers) and a wonderful bbq at their friends' home in a neighboring village in which we played a mix of old time Appalachian and Ukrainian music (banjo, guitar, accordian, spoons) and I taught Nadia and her friends how to flat foot on the back of a work trailer! I learned from them that in Ukraine you must always toast three times: 1. For family/children 2. For friends 3. For love. And then, you find countless more things about life to toast, even when you are so sleepy you can barely keep your eyes open.

Next we were in Uzhohord, south of Lviv and across the Carpathian Mountains in the Transcarpathian region bordering Hungary and Slovakia. I thought that this small city was much more of the type of city I would enjoy living in, with the Uzh river cutting through the center of town and many open spaces, small winding cobblestone streets, theatres, opera houses, etc. I stayed on my own with a "New Ukrainian" family (meaning the new wealthy, which is increasing, but a minority) just outside of town in a very, very nice house. I LOVED the back garden area, but I was a bit scared that I would mess something up in the house, it was so nice and so spotlessly clean. Yuroslav and Oxana (my host family) had a fantastic 3-yr old son, Sasha (nick name for Alexander) who immediately became my best friend, b/c no one in the house really spoke English. Also, I gave him a wooden, magnetic train set first thing, and it became his favorite toy (at least for the time I was there!).

The next leg of the journey involved an overnight train journey with some of our Rotary hosts from Lviv to Szczecin. This was quite a trip. Six people to a car, with six bunks. We had a blast testing our Polish out on our car-mate, a young man from Szczecin who we befriended when we noticed him laughing at some of the things we said in English. We gained an audience from our train mates with our game-show style game with Polish and English language, and then, of course, the Ukrainians got in the mix and it became a total riot with everyone crying from laughing so hard. Our party was cut short when a German woman arrived as a passenger on our car and immediately demanded that it was time to go to bed, which meant we all had to fold dopwn the beds and could no longer sit together. But our new friends from the next car over began a little music concert and everyone gathered in the hallway and sang songs and Deb and I danced a little. Even the conductor got involved a little. He was going to tell us to be quiet, but when the majority of train folks (most were in the hall) said they didn't mind the music, he seemed to dance a little too on his way back up the car.

Our first few days in Szczecin involved some Rotary activities, but we have also had time to really get to see the city, which is beautiful. Szczecin is about as far away from Ukrain as one could possibly get, on the NW corner boarding Germany and not too far from Denmark. The Rotary hosts in the club that are hosting us are much younger than those we met in Ukraine, and all seem to speak English. The city is really sort of cosmopolitan, esp. in the architecture and layout of the streets. The streets are more similar to Paris, with large round-abouts. It's a shipbuilding, port city and the greenest city in Poland with many large forested parks. Very livable place.

Tomorrow evening we will head northwest to the coast and take an overnight ferry to Copenhagen where we'll have a day and then return the next night by ferry. Then we'll spend the weekend on the coast and then head south of Szczecin to some other places. For the most part, we do not know where we are going or what we shall do until it happens.

Do widzenia, for now!

Wisdom of Pebbles

2007-05-01T13:34:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, a Tom Robbins book profoundly altered my relationship with the world and my perception of consciousness. _Skinny Legs and All_ extended my empathetic capacity to inanimate objects, and although the novel's protagonists were ordinary houshold objects-can of beans, silver spoon and a sock- I have ever since felt the life and consciousness of rocks and soil. I think that feeling was already there, especially for rocks, and Robbins validated my sense that there is a consciousness far beyond what humans have speculated.

The first time I ever went hiking with my family, age 4, I began within the first few feet, picking up rocks and putting them in my pack. One would guess the lesson I should have learned that day. I don't take as many rocks with me as I would like to, but to this day I can hardly go on a walk without picking up a stone. I have always felt connected to boulders, stones, rocks and pebbles. I love the feel of sun-warmed stone under my bare feet. Growing up in the Smokies and living my early adult life in the Blue Ridge, I would spend hours hiking mountain streams. Barefoot and with no constraint of time nor any concern for what dishelveled, muddy condition the river would release me, I would explore the feeling of the stream, the way the different kinds of rocks felt under my feet. I usually walked up stream, and I would boulder up onto the larger rock formations and stretch my body over them, feeling the grooves, finding the perfect fit. When I would find that stone that was a perfect fit, I'd lay there and stare into the water, enjoying how my perception of the life of the stream would gradually awaken, allowing me to see the life in fluid motion.

Faerie Godmother wrote in a comment that a stone told her "Don't let yourself be strip-mined. Don't let your grief pollute! Be a clear spring where the water is pure." Now that is the kind of wisdom that comes from a rock. Life is too precious to spend your time in grief and worry. Surely, if Ghandi had allowed the grief he often must of felt to overtake his life... well, just imagine!

A quick weekend jolt to my hometown fed my soul with a deep appreciation for the relationship I have with my parents, which is now emerging into such a wonderful friendship. I also got in a few hours of catching up with one of my long-time close friends, who first inspired me to visit Poland when he was living there a few years ago. Between my upcoming travels and all sorts of insane and mundane life things, we certainly didn't run out of things to talk about. And then I came back home to three animal companions who, after I've left them for a day, want to spend every second by my side. The rest of my time has been spent enjoying the company of our Indonesian visitors and learning to see my life and home through new eyes. Last night Lee & I played music for our visitors, and Lee brought the house down when he played, by request, "She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain," and our visitors sang along, with great enthusiasm, about 15 verses in Javanese.

That little stone's message rings true through these many joys that bless my life at nearly every unexpected turn. Of course there will be grief, hurt, self-doubt. Hearts and mountains both are vulnerable to strip mining. But life is always ready to spring forth. You should see what's happening out here on Judy Branch!

Why Can't We Be Friends?

2007-04-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

Today my dad and I got into one of many discussions we tend to have. Basically, it comes down to our mutual lack of understanding of how so many outspoken people can get away with saying such stupid things, and people can actual stand to listen to it... and many of them actual agree. Whether it be the right-wing "moral" upholders (who patronize high price call girl agencies while fighting prostitution on a global scale) or the hungry media scouring blogs in search of the "real" story of those impacted by the VT incident, they are all specimens of the human race that leave me feeling that there's little hope for our species. I'm with Tolkein. I just wish I could have been on that boat with Bibo, Frodo and the elves.

On the other hand, a slew of visitors from Indonesia have rekindled my joy in the human race. For a week they have, unexpectedly, been at the forefront of my everyday life, communicating with pure expression, music and mime mixed with fragmented, translated words. The first night I met them (all fifteen or so...) I ended up giving banjo lessons and exchanging dance steps. It was such a grand musical evening that I scrapped together my slim resources and gifted Sofie with a small gord banjo and Anneng with a full-sized banjo to take back to Java with them. We have a few more days left together, and I am so glad that this is so, altho I'm a bit terrified at their request for me to join in a musical collaboration for their puppetry presentation. Javanese music is entirely off the scale of any crooked KY fiddle tunes I've ever heard! I'm not sure I can even find these notes on my banjo... but I'll sure as heck try! I hope that Faerie Godmother will come up to stay on Judy Branch Tuesday evening so she can witness the beautiful Wayang puppetry performance. It is going to be something.

I'm also looking forward to bowling with them tomorrow and then Monday night when they get to meet my esteemed banjo mentor, Lee. He's always so good with entertaining folks, and I think he's excited about meeting visitors from so far away. I'll head over to his house tomorrow after bowling so we can practice up some tunes with him on fiddle & me backing him on banjo. So many good things to get into just in the next 48 hours. That restores a little faith in the human race.

Having all these folks come and stay with us in our little town reminds me of why I love to travel and meet people along the path. The most amazing people you could ever meet are those you meet unwittingly. We are from such varying religious and ethinc backgrounds, but we are all joined together in this shared experience, this common ground of being here now. I am going to miss these happenstance friends when they go back home, but I'm sure glad to be guardian of a long list of Javanese towns as destinations for the next big adventure. (MW, are you ready for our next trip? I'm voting for someplace more tropical... but it's your pick;)

I'm gettig ready to embark on my own exchange trip to small coal mining towns and whatnot in the Ukraine and Poland. I can only hope to make as deep connection with those I visit there as these visitors have made with me. And I wish I could take my first Ambassador to Poland with me.

Preparing for Departure

2007-04-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

Preparing for departure is never easy. It can be exhilarating, exhausting and damn near impossible. Is anyone ever really ready to leave?

First off, there are so many things to be done. House needs cleaning, garden tending, laundry washing. How do you want to leave things when you go? And what to bring with you? And whom do you need to connect with before you go?

14 days until I get on a plane for Lvov. And really, all I want to do is get my garden planted, play music and just soak in springtime in the mountains. I love being disconnected from the rest of the world. No news, no TV to muddle the experience of being here now. I hope I can feel each moment in the Ukraine and Poland as intensely as I feel it here on Judy Branch.

When I come home I know that there will be many other kinds of departures to deal with. We are always leaving or being left behind.

One of the hardest things about living here is when entire mountains disappear. When I was driving to Berea last week, there was a roadblock. We were being stopped to witness a few men in backhoes systematically tear down trees on the mountainside. The mountain will be next. Living here, you become somewhat hardened to the death of mountains. You just don't have enough emotional energy to deal with it. Sitting there in my car, watching the dozer take down tree after tree that had just begun to sprout spring greens. Deep from within a sob came to surface, and before I knew it I was crying uncontrollably. For the life of me, I can't understand how any living being with a soul can actively participate in the murder of a mountain. I know all the complexities. The people behind the machines have to do those jobs to feed their family. There's a long chain of complicity. Still, I just don't understand humankind's capacity for cold-blooded murder, whether it is against each other, other living beings or entire ecosystems. It's things like this that have me convinced that I missed the boat. How can I be part of this species?

I tend to think too much and live too much in my head. Most of my life I have been terrified of my potential, as a human, to cause pain or harm to others. I have a tendency to want to protect others from myself, and I go through phases where I sort of quarantine myself away from the rest of the world... for their own good. It's not exactly a healthy way of approaching life or relationships. I have so much admiration for my friends who are outspoken and passionate and unafraid of the potential consequences of following their hearts. Maybe my heart has always been uncertain, or perhaps my brain just gets in the way. I am always trumped by this deep need to do what is best for everyone involved. I'd probably make a good mom, except that I really don't want to bring kids into this world.

I don't really expect many people read this blog. I don't try to get it out to the world. I only tell a few friends about it with little expectation that they'll actually read it. Mainly, this was something I set up to force myself to write on a regular basis, something other than grant proposals, reports or journal entries. I try to keep it to what is at the foremost on my mind, while keeping an intentional distance from my job. It seems that even in writing about things that I felt really only related to what was going on in my mind, I still manage to hurt or upset other people.

Someone recently made a comment about an entry I wrote after I learned some pretty devastating news about an old friend. I tried to keep it vague and not easy to identify, but that was under the assumption that my readership is primarily people from this life, not old high school friends. The person commenting used the word Schadenfreude, which means someone who takes pleasure in others' misery. Pretty harsh. It hurts to know that is how, after all these years, she thinks of me.

I hate that horrible things have happened to people I admire and respect. I hate that what I wrote could be taken as an insult when I meant it as homage. I don't enjoy knowing that others are experiencing unimaginable agony. It makes me feel sick. And that's why I wrote something down.

Out of respect for that friend, I will remove the entry and apologize for any pain it may have caused. I figured those old feelings were water under the bridge and that reflecting on them could do no harm. My bad.

Almost perfect storm

2007-04-14T05:26:00.000-07:00

Another spring finds me traveling for a weekend meeting in Texas. Last year it was Dallas, and right now it's San Antonio. I have to admit that I have actually really started to enjoy going to this meetings, and not simply because of the travel. I have learned to trust that no matter how skeptical I am about the meeting's locale, it is going to be loads of fund because of the people who I'm going to meet. This is one of the aspects of my job that I really don't mind letting seep into my personal time(i.e. weekend and nights).

Last night I dined at a great Mexican restaurant with about ten artists and arts presenters. Then, after taking a little break, a few of us walked from the hotel down to Market Square to check out the opening of a new museum, complete with a FREE outdoor concert with Linda Rondstant. Prior leaving the hotel, we had gotten wind of reports of a major storm and tornado watch headed directly for San Antonio. Relying on our sense of adventure and the reassurances of a local colleague, five of us set to face whatever may hit us. We figured, how much safer would we be on the 5th floor of a hotel?

The square was lively, but not too crowded as the winds began to pick up and lightning could be seen in the near distance. Literally 20 seconds after we turned the corner to face the stage we heard a few strains of Linda's voice, followed by her explaing, "I'm sorry, but they're telling me I have to stop now." Then the announcer warned everyone that a severe thunderstorm was minutes away and everyone should safely find their way to cover. We found our way to a great mariachi bar and rode out the storm in style. The bonus? Music provided to a neighboring table by a huge band, complete with two fiddles, two trumpets, a guitar, that intstrument they use that looks like a seriously over-sized guitar (bandola?) and... a harp!!!

Dogwood Winter

2007-04-05T17:29:00.000-07:00

What a week it has been on Judy Branch! It seems that everything is getting greener with each day, and in the past week both redbuds and dogwoods have begun to open. Young sweet peas, mustard greens and beets are coming up in the garden. It seems that the minute I fill up the bird feeders, they are emptied by busy, hungry birds.

Most of the imposter ladybugs have found their way outside. And the best part is that I have been home to witness this fantastic spring transformation.

Today brought Dogwood Winter. The temperatures have plunged, but everything is still so green.

The shock of the sudden cold paired with the clear blue skies and green everything parallels the emotional extremes I have been balancing over the last week. I have been intoxicated with spring delirum and the dizzy anticipation of an upcoming journey to Eastern Europe. These feelings were elevated a hundred fold when I learned that my friend Deborah will also be along for the adventure. Then, numbness followed by an emotional free-fall at learning news that one of my closest high school friends's life had turned upside down in a murderous love triangle. That kind of stuff doesn't happen to people I know! At least, that's what I used to think. It still doesn't feel real, but I am now at least to the point where I am not losing sleep over it.

It has been a blessing and a relief to have a week at home. There's much to be done before I spend a month in Poland and other hinterlands. First off, sleep and lots of it. I tend to run myself far beyond my battery life and then crash. The above emotional yankings intensify the depth of the crashing. Boy, have I slept, and much of the daytime sleeping has been in the hammock! Second: Find relief for the neverending back pain. Last week I finally went to a doctor (who happens to be my neighbor), got xrayed, and now I'm going to physical therapy and taking pain pills (nothing hefty, just a stronger dose than over-the-counter aleve). Wednesday it was pool therapy and tomorrow it will be regular therapy. If there's no improvement by next Wednesday, it's MRI time. Yipee!

Other tasks include learning as much Polish as possible.

Na zdrowie!

Pacific Dreams

2007-03-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been remembering my dreams, and many of them have involved the Pacific Northwest or some of my friends from that beautiful locale. Odd dreams, mostly, where I'm in places that resemble recent experiences, such as my recent New Orleans adventures, but place them in another context. One dream was set in a place that was a hybrid mix of Rock n' Bowl (New Orleans) and Sky City (an old super-store we used to shop at when I was a kid), with all the Southern qualities one would expect. Only, it was dark & rainy and in Portland (I think!). In another dream, my friend Rebecca was talking to me in a very matter of fact, casual way, about driving to Portland (from Kentucky, Tennessee or somewhere in my home region). "You know, you just drive through Kansas, take a right, then a left in Idaho... It's easy. I've done it a zillion times.."

Travel is once again on my brain, but I'm surprised that my dreams aren't about taking a boat to Poland, riding trains through the Ukraine, playing my banjo in Belarus. Or perhaps about how I've been incorrectly spelling Belarus (Belaruse!) for months now!

This weekend my travel plans involve going to my hometown to participate in the annual Appalachian Studies Association conference. Of all the meetings I attend, ASA is always my favorite. When get people together who are involved in Appalachian Studies, you are always in for a good time. Thank goodness I didn't choose a highly technical or elitist field! Can you imagine what biochemistry association conferences must be like? I'm sure folks really enjoy geeking out about that stuff, but I'm more inclined to mix my intellectual networking with some banjo pickin' and moonshine sippin'!

Spring Showers

2007-03-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

There's certainly been a hint of spring in the air. Over the past couple of weeks, the peepers have come out, welcoming me home with their chorus and creating new challenges for the "do no harm" driver. With each season, there are new critters to avoid squishing with my big metal box-on-wheels. Deer, dogs and possum are always on the list, with wooly worms, monarch butterflies, frogs and turtles acting as seasonal anti-targets (the goal being NOT to hit them). Frogs are the most difficult to dodge. Today I was thrown a surprise. I had to come to a near-halt on the highway for... a wild turkey! I love living in the mountains, no matter how challenging it is for my buddhist tendancies.

I could never be a good Buddhist anyhow. Not as long as the ladybug imposters continue to invade my homestead.

This evening brings showers. The peeper-frogs are loving it, and so am I. There's the scent of change in the air. I am feeling hopeful for experiences I can't even imagine. Rosie-le-chat is obsessed with vitamins that my chiropractor gave me. She is trying to chew through a sandwich bag in attempts to get a bite of adrenal supplements. If only I could train her to eat imposter lady bugs!!!

When I arrived home from the vaults, Bella greeted me sopping wet and covered in mud. I greeted her by giving her a bath - the third she's ever had in her entire life! She curled up asleep on a towel in her favorite chair, somewhat humbled, even though she is ordinarily quite the humble dog. And Sid Vicious? He is studying the space heater. Seems he isn't quite convinced that winter is over just yet.

And that's the Judy Branch update.

Garden Time... at last!

2007-03-09T10:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took advantage of my peculiar travel schedule (more later) and stayed home to get a start on my garden. I also took advantage of the slight ease of back pain to turn over four rows the old fashioned way. That's spade by spade. I also managed to pull up some more milkweed and thistle skeletons so that my rows would be equally long. I'm terrible at guessing distances, but I think they were each at least three feet by 25 or 30 feet. Much of my inspiration to just "dig in" rather than waiting for Neighbor Bill's tractor comes from staying at Deborah and Frank's farm outside of Berea. Frank's newly planted pea patch will soon be growing up a trestle that he made from cattle gate/fencing - another source of inspiration. I pulled out an old portable wire closet rack (you know, the self-contained kind that you can use in or out of closet), plopped it over the row where I wanted to plant peas and used it to support a trestle made of the metal pet fencing I'd used to keep the dogs out of the broccoli patch. It looks sort of trashy, but I think it will do the job! I managed to get a row each of beets, turnips and peas planted before calling it a day.

Now you may be wondering about those peculiar travel plans? My alarm went off at 2 AM this morning. I was on the road by 3 AM, on a plane by 6 AM and now I am sitting in a courtyard (circa 1860) just outside the French Quarter in New Orleans, salivating from the fumes of the neigboring Cuban restaurant. Good thing it's lunch time and that getting fed is the first thing on my itenerary!

Goodbyes Are Never Easy

2007-03-05T09:17:00.001-08:00

Everytime I leave Judy Branch, I must go through the process of saying goodbye to Bella. My recent schedule has had me spending several nights away from home on a regular basis, and Bella is always uncertain of when I might return. I'm sure it must be unnerving, not knowing if your best buddy, parental unit, significant other, etc. will return in a few hours, a few days or a few weeks. Poor Bella! I think she and the cats have now become accustomed to spending a night or two alone, and I'm hoping that my current travel schedule will ease the disruption of my being in Poland for a month this spring.

This weekend I was faced with saying goodbye, perhaps forever, to a good friend. At the monthly old time jam this Saturday we learned that one of our music buddies was in the hospital with a diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. Even though he's a young 80, it was heartwrenching news. After the jam, eight of us caravaned up to the Pikeville Hospital and brought the old time jam to Rodney's hospital room. I'm not sure who was most affected by this simple gesture - Rodney, his daughter, or us.

My friend Bev and I were talking about how people have so many different lives. Those folks we play music with have families and friends that have no clue who we are. When we showed up at the hospital, we not only gave Rod a treat, we brought some joy (and relief) to his daughter. She finally got to be part of "that" part of his life that she had heard about but never had experienced. At one point she said to her dad, "Now I see why you always want to go down to Whitesburg..." Bev & I agreed that we want our families to know what to do/who to call if anything were to happen to us. "Callin' in the troops," is how we referred to it. If I were to pass before my folks, I'd want them to be comforted by all my music friends showing
up and playing music for/with me, whether it be at my hospital bed or at my wake. There's something about that musical connection that surpasses anything anyone can ever say or do. It's just something you share without any pretense or predjudice.

back pain

2007-02-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

i'm about to give up on the chiropractor experiment. following my session last week i felt a marked improvement in my back and left leg. but for some reason i could not get him to do what he did (basically it was sort of like a deep tissue massage around my lower back) in this week's session. and guess what? the pain in my back has returned... with a vengence! with that returns a numbness in my left leg and foot, awkward limping and severe limitations of movement. after nearly four months of this nonsense, i'm about to lose my mind!

but i'm thinking what i need is either a really good massage therapist or a surgeon.

tonight is a judy branch night, and i'm spending it under an afghan on the couch working on a grant proposal and watching UK play in the SEC tournament. all the critters are napping nearby. i think bella misses her new best friend, justin (see picture above).

Sticking around the Old Homeplace

2007-02-27T06:37:00.000-08:00

With all the traveling that I'm having to do these days, the time I have at Judy Branch has become even more valuable. After my week of hosting the Chocolate Drops, I jumped right back into my new fellowship schedule, which has me driving to and from Berea twice a week. I was so glad to get back home on Friday and enjoy the quiet comfort of my home.

Some strategic planning on my part allowed me to stay home all weekend, even though I hosted a meeting on Saturday morning. Instead of meeting at my workplace, I suggested they all come out to Judy Branch. It was so cozy, sitting around the kitchen table, driking coffee and snacking on cream cheese danishes while we made plans and caught up on each others' lives. While sitting there, I got to thinking about how some aspects of my job really don't feel like work, mainly because of the people I get to spend time with. I feel really fortunate that I get to spend a great deal of my time in the company of people who inspire me with the lives they lead, warm my soul with the stories they tell and humble me with the love that they send my way. I didn't really do much culinary preparation for my guests, but they were pleased nonetheless.

I made a really simple cream cheese danish (at least I think it's a danish!). All you do is put a pack or two of cream cheese & some sugar (1/4-1/2 cup) in a mixer and cream together. In the meantime you melt 1/2 a stick (or less) of butter or margarine. You take one tube of crescent rolls and lay the entire "sheet" of dough flat across a baking sheet, not pressing it flat or doing anything to it at all. You spread the cream cheese mixture on top and then pop open another tube of crescent rolls and lay it across the top, lightly pinching the edges of the bottom & top together. Pour melted butter across the top, sprinkle some cinnamon & sugar over it and pop it in the oven @ 350 for about 10-15 minutes, maybe more. It's done when the dough is cooked and a little brown around the edges.

For lunch we had leftovers I had made from the ingredients I never got around to using during my previous house guests:
A mix of sweet potato and black beans with spices and Kentucky-Creole eggplant pudding (a baked pudding, more like a custard or casserole) over a bed of spinach served with salsa, fresh cilantro and tortilla chips. Pretty yummy for a random combination pulled out of the frige!

While the wood stove kept us nice and warm for our meeting, the weather on Judy Branch became almost balmy by afternoon. To my disappointment, the ground was too moist to plant snap peas. Even so, I got in some garden time pulling up old milkweed skeletons and clearing out the remains of last year's garden.

The weekend was capped off with my Sunday session with Lee. This week I brought a visitor, my fellow Appalachian music fellow. I think Lee & Opal like having company as much as I do. Opal cooked us up a big dinner of green beans she had canned, cabbage, mashed potatoes and cornbread. I love Opal's cooking just about as much as I love Lee's banjo playing!

Sweet Solitude (Somewhat)

2007-02-20T08:08:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy playing the role of hostess. I love to feed people home-cooked food, and I especially love to bring them out to Judy Branch for a few hours (or days) of retreat from that busy world that exists beyond this little hollow. This week I was in full hostessing mode, cooking enough food to feed about 12 people for five days. I didn't get to cook all the dishes I had hoped to make, but there was plenty of food. What I could prepare in advance of the company's arrival, I did last weekend. The rest I had to cook late nights after full days of work. Fortunately, I was in good company with Dom Flemmons as my house guest. He provided an impressive array of music to cook by, kept me awake with irresistable conversation and even helped me cook a bit. Most importantly, he kept me from over-working myself every night! Most of the time we sat around the kitchen table going through our music collections, geeking out full-force about our mutual musical obsessions.

Several other folks came out to Judy Branch last week, with "snow," or I suppose the idea of snow, cancelling several of the school and senior citizens events we had planned last week. We made the most of our free time to really get to know each other. Bella hit it off with Justin, and I think she's actually missing him a little now! By the end of the week, even Sid Vicious felt comfortable around the guests, sitting in the middle of a room full of people!

Company departed on Sunday, and Monday morning I drove to Berea to continue work on my fellowship. Usually I am a house guest when in Berea, but I opted to splurge on a hotel room for some much needed solitude and R&R. It was the best night's sleep I've gotten in over a week! As nice as it was to have a break from being around people, I know when I go back to Judy Branch tonight it will seem empty.

snowed in!

2007-02-16T06:20:00.000-08:00

this week i made big busy plans for my visitors, but the weather interfered. it didn't really snow much, not even 1/2 an inch, but things like the senior citizens' lunch and school got cancelled. all those things we were going to do would have been loads of fun. but we had fun just the same being snowed in.

since school was cancelled, and thus all our work commitments until 6pm, we all pretended to be snowed in on judy branch yesterday. it was really cozy having company, eating brunch together, playing music, talking and watching movies.

it looks like we are going to have more of the same, weather-wise: snow flurries. i just hope they don't cancel the square dance tonight! why do people have to be such wimps about a little snow?!

Succotash

2007-02-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

There are some combinations that are divine. I believe that succotash achieves this, no matter which manifestation. I've experienced many variations in my life, and there's not one that I've chosen as my standard. This week, for me and all those I'm feeding, succotash is made up from treasures found in my freezer: okra, corn & butter beans, cooked with fresh tomatoes & a habanera pepper (you poke it with a fork, throw it in with the mix while it stews and then take it out when it gets to the desired spiciness).

Another divine combination is chocolate and chili pepper (cayenne, or whatever your palate’s pleasure).

Oh, and I must also give a nod to fresh basil blended into hummus. Yum.

Want a full list of what I’ve cooked up so far for the week (for my lovely guests)?

2 pans of spinach lasagne
macaroni & cheese (made from scratch, except the noodles…)
2 pans of chocolate chip brownies
several pans of hot chocolate chocolate chip cookies
1 carrot cake
1 large bowl of basil hummus
1 vegan spice cake
1 big pot of succotash
1 vegan loaf of cornbread

What else might I cook up this week (during all that spare time)?

An interesting KY-Cajun Eggplant Dip I want to try
Vegetable stew
More cornbread (turns out the vegan guest actually will eat eggs)
Collard greens
Mashed turnips

My friend Blue Artichoke would be so proud of this Lil’ Birdie!

slow food

2007-02-10T20:18:00.000-08:00

judy branch is a great place to hole up for the weekend, especially when it's cold outside. for all the marvels of electricity, you can't back up to central heat. i love my wood stove. what's even better is the location of the stove. my living room and kitchen are one big open space. this is great for evenings (or all day) at home. i can cook, listen to my stereo, even watch a movie, while the fire crackles in the stove and the critters lounge lethargic in its heat.

when i know that company is coming, even if it's just at work, my prep work starts at home. next week i'll be hosting quite a few musicians, artists and other guests. a quintessential southern trait that i've inherited from pretty much all the women in my family is that when company's coming, you cook. a lot. i mean a serious quantity of food, mostly the kind my mom, aunts, grandmas, great aunts, etc. taught me to make for company. before i can get around to the catering prep for the upcoming week, though, my somewhat abandoned house needed some attention.

last night i replaced the bag in the vacuum and waged war on the "halloween" beetles (they want you to think they are lady bugs, but they are not!). i realized that enough was enough when they seized my bedside lamp (imagine a lamp covered entirely with a layer of lady bug impersonators...) and would wake me up several times through the night crawling on my skin and biting me at will. for nearly half an hour my bedroom was free of those imposters. i don't know where the back up troops come from or why they feel a need to centralize forces around my bedside lamp and surrounding areas (the wall and ceiling above the left side of the bed). the only way to keep those buggers down to a nearly tolerable presence would be to vacuum every day. i'm not the only one who faces this dilemma. in fact, it is worthy of regular posting in my local newspaper's "Speak Your Piece" column.

i'm beginning to think these beetle bugs were intentionally let loose in the southern mountains by vacuum bag manufacturers. what do you think?

today bella went with me to do the old time radio show, and then i loaded up on groceries and came home. i practiced "black eyed susie" until my fingers hurt and i made a food list and schedule (what i'm making for next week, for which days/events and when i must make them). right now there are two spinach lasagnas in the oven that i can freeze for one of the meals next week. still on the list for this weekend: basil hummus, carrot cake, cayenne chocolate-chocolate chip cookies, brownies, carrot cake, cheese cake, lemon squares. looks like sunday is going to be a busy day! in addition to all that cooking, i've also got to practice the tunes lee taught me, prep the garden for planting peas (on valentines day!), go over to lee's for a banjo lesson in the afternoon. yipee!

Deadheads & Suckers

2007-02-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if it's a mountain, rural or generally an American thing, but I've always been more inclined to measure the distance between two places by how long it takes to get there, usually by driving. The drive from Judy Branch to Berea is approximately 2 and 1/2 hours. Part of living in the rural mountains is that you get used to spending quite a bit of time in the car. This has been my experience since I first started driving. In high school, a 40 minute drive to a good swimming hole was considered close or "local." Driving 30-45 minutes to get to work or a night out on the town was also considered close by. I guess that's why I've never had a problem with living at least half an hour from anywhere, and driving a couple of hours to get somewhere isn't really all that bad either.

Last night I stayed with my friend Deborah at her farm in Jackson County. I think it took about 45 minutes from Berea, maybe a little less. But the terrain really makes it seem much more in the middle of nowhere than Judy Branch. Even though I'm nestled in the heart of the Central Appalachian mountains, the roads really don't go up and down as many hills. They follow the rivers and creeks, and while winding and dotted with sharp curves nestled between a sheer drop into said creek on one side and a craggy cliff face on the other, you don't really have to go up and down much.

Deb has been a house guest on Judy Branch many times, and I knew from her descriptions of life on her farm that I'd feel right at home. What I really love about their place is all the work that they have put into the place to make it their home along with all the daily work they do to make a living from their home. While I garden and do a lot of those survival tasks of rural living, Deb and her husband Frank are really living off their land. They raise sheep, rabbits, hogs and chickens, which provide eggs, meat, hide and income. Their work crew includes horses, guard and hunting dogs and I'm sure a few other tennants that I haven't met yet. Inside are the two cats, Foscoe & Madeline (they sleep outside when it's not so cold) and a pen of quail. I had my first taste of quail eggs, hardboiled last night and fried this morning.

Frank & Deb had to convert the original house structure (a typical Appalachian flat board house that has been upgraded over the generations) to include indoor plumbing. The water is gravity fed to the house from a spring up the hill. For more consistent pressure, they've added a cistern and a water pump. What's handy is that when the power goes out, they can still get water fed by gravity. While I also have spring water from a well, it comes from underground and required a pump to get it to the house. So I'm out of luck when we lose power.

They have built on a high-ceiling log addition to the original house which makes for a fantastic living room, complete with a cozy futon covered in warm sheep skins.

One of my favorite rooms of Deb & Frank's place is the outhouse. Neighbor Billy Joe and I've talked about how in so many ways life was much easier before indoor plumbing. I know from Judy Branch how messed up indoor plumbing goes when it comes to toilets. You really have to make an effort to flush, and if it rains too much for too long the septic tank can get backed up, which is not at all pleasant. Those problems don't exist when you just use an outhouse. And they really have a nice one, well decorated with National Geographic photos and poems pasted all over the walls and door.

Last night Deb and I sat by the wood stove, and she taught me how to play "Black Eyed Susie." I brought her my copy of the Flat Mountain Girls CD, Honey Take Your Whiskers Off. They're an all-women old time band from Portland, OR, which play a rockin' version of the tune. I've let her borrow it today in hopes that she'll figure out how to play "Deadheads and Suckers," a tune they recorded and cited as Trad. Neither of us had ever heard of it, so I am now on a mission to find out more about the tune (and to learn how to play it!).

Today I'll head back to Judy Branch to prepare for a week with the Carolina Chocolate Drops. A week from Monday I'll return to the mysterious chiropractor (who, from my novice perspective seemed to ask a lot of questions of my arm... tho I think it was my brain channelling through my arm?). He's fixing me of my lactose intolerance and will hopefully ease some of my back pain (thus the root cause of seeking his help). I'll hold off on any detailed commentary until I've tried it out a few times.

The real icing on the cake will be that evening (Feb 19th), when I hope a big field trip of friends will join me and Deb to see the Chocolate Drops perform live on the famous Woodsongs Old Time Radio Hour at the Kentucky Theater with Folkboy himself, Michael Johnathon. Above is a picture from my last field trip to see friends Uncle Earl play on this legendary radio show. Is it because of the stellar musical guests that we make the Monday night pilgramage to Lexington? Is it to support our up & coming, "undiscovered" musician friends as they are introduced to an international audience? Or is it the personality of the host that draws us like ants to sugar? You decide and let me know.

crossing over

2007-02-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

i remember years ago when a chiropractor located his office next door to my dad's office. that's when i learned that my dad thought that chiopractors were the modern day equivalent of a medicine show doctor. a total farce. at that time, i was a kid, and i had never even heard of chiropractors. even though i've never really had an opinion either way, i have for the most part kept the same attitude toward seeking chiropractic help as counselling (i was always told by the parents that i was "normal" or "just fine" and thus did not fall into the category of those who need pychological or emotional help).

since then, i've known more and more people who swear to the miracle of chiropractic adjustment and of seeing a counselor. at the age of 30, i am finally going to become one of those people... if all goes well today.

in about an hour, i will have my first chiropractic adjustment/session in hopes that the pain that has been shooting through my lower back and down through the muscles of my left leg since mid-november will be lessened.

this is new territory for me, and even though i am a full grown adult, it still sort of feels like an act of rebellion.

let's hope i get adjusted enough to be able to dance painlessly for days on end next week! who knows, if this chiropractic adventure turns out to be a success, i may get brave enough to ask someone to shrink my head!

cold, cold heart

2007-02-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

valentine's day is on it's way, and mother nature is showing us her love with a winter embrace. the temperatures in eastern and central kentucky have been between 2-17 degress (that's -20 to -8 degrees C!). i hope my weekend will be spent having fun in the woods with a chainsaw and then with an axe splitting wood. one of the perks of living at the head of the hollow is that i'm surrounded on three sides by hills of forest. not too far up the path, there are several downed trees that are awaiting their afterlife as firewood. as my woodpile hastily depletes during these cold nights, i give thanks to all those trees who succumbed to gravity last fall. i also give thanks to friends with chainsaws. perhaps if i am really nice and provide delicious food and refreshing beverages (post-chainsawing phase), i will be able to charm said friend into also splitting the wood so that it fits in my stove.

we all know that valentine's day is a modern invention that is now a huge marketing scam. even so, that marketing reminds us all of how our own love lives don't fit into that picture perfect, big screen romance we've been fed most of our lives. the important thing to remember is that love encompasses so much more than romance. i think that valentine's day should be about showing yourself some love and then letting that spill over into all the other relationships in your life. and eating lots of chocolate. let's face it, most of us are far too hard on ourselves. i will celebrate valentines day in several ways, many which will include pampering myself. one of the first things on my agenda is to go see a chiropractor about the pain in my back and left leg that i've had since mid-november (handling fire-wood is a dangerous business).

the other way i will shower myself with love is with the music and company of some of my favorite musicians, the carolina chocolate drops. i met these fantastic folks last spring, although i remember seeing them around at the Black Banjo Gathering a year or so earlier. then we all taught workshops at Common Ground on the Hill this summer, and I got a chance to take a dance class with them. all this led to talks about how we needed to plan a residency at appalshop. next week it's all going to happen, and i'm really excited! although i am breaking the rules a little by talking about work-related matters, i feel that this is more a labor of love. i don't know how many folks will make it out to the public events, including three delicious evenings of desserts and dancing (wednesday 2/14, friday 2/16 & saturday 2/17), but i know that it will be a week to remember. the full scheudle is on my work website.

now i must return my focus to listening to tapes from 1974's celebration of traditional music. currently flowing through my earphones, artus and joan moser (before that it was J.P., Annalee & Danielle Fraley).

enjoying the now

2007-02-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

it has been a real challenge to fully immerse myself into this new phase of my life. the schedule i had set out for balancing my fellowshop and work keeps getting disrupted. a big part is the responsibilities i feel at home. i don't want to leave bella sleeping on the porch on subzero winter nights. the other distractions has been work. i'm only supposed to give one day a week to that place, but last week took three. i'm taking a stand right now. i will not give any more of myself to my job than one day per week. that's all i'm getting paid for, and that's all i can handle (on several levels).

traveling back and forth from berea, taking spontaneous road trips and musing about what other adventures might await me... these have all really driven in my determination to move on and find a new life somewhere else. i really am ready to move on. i just need to figure out where. prefereably a place that has the following:

people who play old time music
a good place to get a beer (legally, in public)
a significant population 25-40 years old (esp of the eligible bachelor variety)
a good coffeehouse
live music (of the non-jam band genres, please)
hills and the great outdoors

for now, i'm going to enjoy the now and look forward to the upcoming journey to poland. anyone want to meet up in prague sometime in june? i'll be nearby...

Chicago?!

2007-01-29T13:19:00.000-08:00

I wasn't home but a few days from my Northwest adventures until it was time to get back on the road. The plan was to drive twice a week, staying two nights in Berea for my music fellowship. A brilliant plan really, because it gave me four days in the music archives while allowing me five nights at home with the critters. There was one major oversight: It is now Winter. While it's been rather mild up until now, I believe that my travel plans gave Old Jack Frost the inspiration he needed to visit Kentucky.

But what, you may ask, does this have to do with Chicago?! Well... the weather set into snowing Wednesday night, discouraging me from driving to Berea on Thursday and inspiring me to instead drive to Morehead on Thursday night with co-adventurer Julie to catch a 6 AM caravan to Chicago. Boy, oh boy am I ever grateful for that cold snap, because did I ever have such a time as I did in the windy city! There's nothing better to cure the winter blues than a spontaneous roadtrip to an unfamiliar city to spend an entire weekend in the company of friends listening to music, eating city food, visiting, making new friends and keeping warm with driving jam sessions and refreshing beverages. I feel revived!

The characters in this story are really what make it a story I'll always remember. Almost all my favorite Kentucky friend plus many of my favorite old time pals: the fabulous Foghorns, Dirk Powell, Travis Stuart, Riley Baugus, Martha Scanlan, Ellie Grace. The circumstances were that I was feeling a bit depressed, lonely and bored after returning home from the recent Northwest adventures. I had been muddling for awhile on the idea that I might catch a ride up to Chicago with said Kentucky friends-the Clack Mountain Stringband- who had a gig to play with Portland/Foghorn friends and the Dirk Powell Band (the crazy bunch that played the Masquerade Ball here in October) at the Old Town School of Folk. In my exhaustion post-Northwest adventures, I had pretty much written off the earlier thoughts of caravaning with the Clack Mountain crew for a raucous weekend in the big city. But something clicked, Brett Ratliff in all his wisdom asked "What better reason could you have to go to Chicago?" and the rest is history. I'll write more details about the weekend once I get caught up on sleep. I will tell you that I learned an important lesson from this weekend. Don't talk yourself out of doing something fun and adventurous with friends because you "just feel like hanging out at home."

Cat Power

2007-01-21T21:11:00.000-08:00

Even though Portland tried to delay my flight home with a snow storm, I made it back to Judy Branch without delay. The critters all seemed glad to have me back, and I suspect they ganged up on me in my sleep and gave me a nasty head cold so I'd have to stay home with them instead of going into work. Despite the violent sneezes and the runny nose that feels like a leaky faucet, I have enjoyed being a homebody for these few days, nesting inside away from the cold winter winds. After two weeks in constant company, it was a bit strange to not see another human being for several days at a time!

Tomorrow I begin my fellowship work, which means I must once again enter the company of other humans and that I have an early drive to Berea.

I had to pull myself away from my new banjo and blog so that I can get to bed in time to get at least a few hours sleep before I start this new phase of my life.

That said, this is going to be a short entry. I'll write more about my banjo and new adventures soon.

sound advice

2007-01-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

i just love my portland friends. they're so neat.

since in portland i have:
+enjoyed a night of music at the moon among friends
+eaten yummy cuban food
+spent hours surrounded by books
+assisted on a shopping trip to a "hip" portland grocery store
+partook in an evening of cooking and wine-drinking adventure
+sewn wool ?s onto neck ties
+played scrabble until i could barely keep my eyes open
+watched sleet fall over the chinese classical gardens while warming myself in a tea house
+happened upon (and into) two really amazing art exhibits at the portland art center: "the other portland: art & ecology in the 5th quadrant" & "Second Skin"
+gave a lucky marble to one of the coolest kids on the planet
+scored a ukrainian cookbook
+"networked" with really amazing arts professionals and was given some really great insight
+had 2 billion moments of yearning for bella (bella would LOVE this walk; look, bella and i could go there; i've eaten so much good food & i hate to waste what's left on my plate, i wish bella was here to help me; bella is SO much cooler than that dog...)

now it's off to the airport to pick up rich & julie. but first i must impart the wonderful advice a sage imparted upon me: with every important life decision, ask yourself the following:

what do i need & want: professionally, personally and creatively.

Oh the wind & the rain!

2007-01-08T16:43:00.000-08:00

I'm nearing a week in the great Pacific Northwest. As soon as the jet landed in Portland last Wednesday, I picked up my rental car and sped northward to Seattle, specifically the old Victorian house on Capital Hill shared by Tiffany, Larry, Bella (the cat), Luna, Heinz and Mazzie. One of my select home away from homes, I always enjoy returning for long visits. On this trip, Tiffany and I managed to get out of the city and head out to Port Townsend and Fort Worden State Park. We got a late start and conquered many challenges to get there including a tumultuous ferry ride (Tiffany was recovering from a stomach bug), a hail storm and directions that never would have gotten us to where we wanted to go. Even so, we arrived as the clouds parted and the sun began to set. Absolutely breath taking! The park is an old army fort that the state has transformed into Centrum, an arts and creative learning center and host to the Festival of American Fiddle Tunes. Centrum's Peter McCracken gave us a quick tour and took a picture of us in front of our dream castle by the sea. Tiffany and I took turns nearly getting blown over by the wind while attempting to take photos. I loved how the waves crashed against the coastline and the view of the Cascade Mountains across the water.

The rest of my time in Seattle was spent well within the city, and I got my fill of night life and "exotic" food (i.e. any food that isn't frozen and then deep fried in fat). We wanted to go see the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit at the Pacific Science Center, but it was SOLD OUT. Isn't that crazy? I didn't know that museum exhibits could sell out, but apparently they can... days in advance. This was a first for the Pacific Science Center, and we were all disappointed that we missed the exhibit. As an alternative, we paid a visit to the Seattle Aquarium, which features all Pacific Northwest wildlife. My favorite critters were the sea otters, seals and the octopus. There were also a handful of strange looking fish that also stole my heart. I had been wanting to eat fresh sea food while in the city, but couldn't bring myself to do so after the aquarium.

Yesterday I headed southbound to Portland, arriving in time to partake in what is becoming a Portland tradition: Sunday supper at Pambiche with Rebecca. What better way to warm up on a rainy winter night than over decadent Cuban food in an overly-warm, brightly decorated cafe? I also felt it was fitting to begin my visit by catching up with Rebecca one-on-one. It was a nice change of pace from my November visit. Also part of the tradition is the end the night at the Moon & Six Pence where the Foghorn boys drink beer and play tunes. As always, it was great to catch up with those rowdy musicians, and I'm pleased to hear that they just might make it back to Judy Branch within the next year! What's even better is that I've recruited Kevin to help with the cooking! There are many things I love about the Moon, but I guess my top three are: 1. It really has the feeling of a pub (not many American bars can pull off that subtle, cozy atmosphere) 2. It has the best bartender in the world, who makes the most wonderful Spanish coffees in the world 3. At least once a week I can find my five favorite guys sitting around some tables, playing tunes and telling tales.

Tomorrow I will explore, once more, Powell's City of Books in search of Polish-esque materials (language instruction, literature, travel guides, cookbooks).

Blessed

2007-01-02T21:30:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very blessed, and it's keeping me awake on the eve before my big trip. It's after midnight, and in about 4 hours, my dad is giving me a lift to the airport. But there's been so much to do before I leave. Like practicing the new tunes I learned from Lee on Saturday, catching a little TV time (a must-do when I'm at the parents house!), and blogging! Not to mention all the marvelling I must do at the blessings in my life, especially those coming from or being shared with the people in my life. Faerie Godmother gifted me with a wonderful send-off in the comments from my last entry. What better mantra for embarking on this journey? Roll em, Roll em....

Yesterday I drove down to my hometown in TN and had a full day of catching up with friends. First with fiddlin' Sarah at a New Year's party where several other old and more recent friends showed up to eat black eyed peas and greens, huddle around the bonfire and play a few tunes. Then there was a dinner date with Blue Artichoke (best pal since third grade and partner in exploring the world- well, east berlin and poland so far- by backpack) that ended with us closing down the restaurant and then sitting in the parking lot for another hour catching up. We could have used a couple of days to catch up on everything, but she needed an early night and I needed to catch up with my friend Jennifer (remember, I helped her drive a u-haul to NYC?) on her last night in town. She and I had a great rendezvous/ speedy catch-up session that revealed we are both on the same plane going into the new year: stay positive, stay happy, stay open, appreciate all that you have and everything else will fall into place. Or something like that. I'll get the exact wording on here later (we wrote it down, but don't know where in the mess of all my packing). The cool thing is that we are both feeling a lot more hopeful and positive and have ambitions to keep ourselves on that kick.

Could it be that Lil' Birdie finally caught those feelings that are supposedly wrapped up in the "New Year?" I certainly am feeling that there's hope for good things to happen, even in the face of global warming, etc. etc. etc. I even feel that there's possibility for love, which was reaffirmed when a friend from the past who when I last saw him was going through a real rough heartbreak showed up at the New Year's day gathering with one of the most lovely, wonderful women I have ever met. Hell yeah! It was one of small things in life that you don't expect to make such an impression on you. That those two people found each other, however long the connection may last, just warmed my heart.

It is now 1 AM and I should at least take a little kip before I go to the airport. Tomorrow's a big day. Fly to Portland, drive to Seattle. Hang with Sister Tiffany for four and a half days. Roll 'em, roll 'em, roll 'em Rawhide!

Homebody

2006-12-31T18:34:00.000-08:00

The hoidays, for many, are a season of travel, shopping and socializing. I, for the most part, have managed to avoid all three. Although I did travel to TN to visit my granny for xmas, I have spent minimal time on shopping or socializing. The most socializing I have done has been with my Granny over the Xmas weekend. She and I have been best of friends since I was in college. We're both night owls, and we share the habit of staying up into the early hours of the morning just keeping each other company. Sometimes we talk the whole time, other times we just sit together doing our own things - reading newspapers, doing the crossword, etc. It's really a great way to wind down the day. Besides that time I lived in Scotland, Judy Branch is the farthest I've ever lived from my Granny, and I hate that I don't get to visit her more often.

Besides the one diversion to visit Granny, I've been happily hiding away on Judy Branch. Not that I've been alone. With great neighbors like Bill & Billy Joe and a motley host of critters (dogs, cats, horses, cows and other...), there's plenty of company to be had here. I've been hunkering down and being a homebody in the wake of a season of travel. Tomorrow it all begins, and I am soaking up as much Judy Branch as I can before I light off. I will be equipped with a laptop on this round of travels, so I may actually be able to keep up with my blogging.

Until then...

Empty Nest Syndrome

2006-12-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

This winter and spring will bring forth new adventures for this little bird, many that require me to flee my cozy nest for days, weeks and even a month at a time. Those of you who know me even a little know that I have a traveling gypsy soul. I LOVE to go places. But equal to that love for journeys abroad is my love for nesting. Seems like contradictory, but that's just how I am. Full of contradictions.

I am getting geared up for another visit to the Great Northwest in advent of my Appalachian music fellowship starting mid-January. I managed to secure some travel $$$ from work, which means this time I'll be equipped with a traveling device (a car). I plan to head up to Washington for a week and whisk sister Tiffany away from Seattle to explore the Olympic peninsula. Namely, I want to check out Port Townsend, the home of Centrum and the site of the Festival of American Fiddle Tunes. It's located in Fort Worden State Park, which is only a short ferry ride from Seattle. January may not be the most ideal time of the year for a visit, but I'm not the type to let cold, gray, rainy days hinder my desire to explore! To the shock of my Scottish friends, I returned (a year or so after attending Uni there) for a month-long visit in January. Short, damp days are still good days to me when I'm in Scotland!

Another reason for my visit is to spend quality time with my Portland friends, attend the Portland Old Time Gathering, and pick up my new banjo: "The Little Birdie Special."

I am incredibly excited to embark on this journey but also a little reluctant. Well, "reluctant" isn't really the word to describe it. What I want is to slow down the next week, perhaps expanding it into two weeks so I can get my nest in order before I dive full-speed into six months of a dizzying dance of balancing three different archival research gigs, a banjo apprenticeship, my job (yes, I am still working, supposedly "part-time"), a trip to Poland and preparations to finance my career after I return from Poland. Yikes. Very exiting, but I fear it will all whoosh by and leave me even more unkempt and disoriented than usual. If I am to keep up with the small, ordinary pleasures that really keep me alive-- gardening, cooking, writing and romance (when the opportunity arises)--then I must develop a more advanced system of multi-tasking than the one I currently use.

My current plan of preparation is to get my spring cleaning done this week. I figure if I can at least de-clutter my nest in winter it will make life much easier when spring rolls around. Plus it gives me a valid excuse for staying home instead of going into work, which I really ought to avoid as much as possible (seeing as I'm still not able to pay myself!). As I work on my nest I will ever so often repeat the following mantra: "Part-time gives Me time, part-time gives ME time...."

being festive is Exhausting

2006-12-18T18:48:00.000-08:00

Celebrating the season where I live and with the company I keep can be hazardous to one's health. Although I have not actually come down with severe illness, I'm certain that in my weak condition I am susceptible to all sorts of bugs.

Activists, artists and old time musicians really are artful... at pushing the physical and psychic limits of the mere human soul. They work hard, and they celebrate and play even harder. I got my fill of both, in the form of serving as secretary at two board meetings, attending to a cast of crazy munchkins at three youth theater performances and participating in at least three holiday celebrations, a square dance and a hog killing over the past week. Today, as a special treat, I rewarded myself by crunching numbers all day at work! I think that is what did me in. For me, understanding non-profit budgets is about as easy as reading Russian. Actually, I'd say Russian makes much more sense.

I am comforted to be spending a quiet evening on Judy Branch. Bella seems to have also had an exhausting day. She came in, gobbled down her supper and went straight to bed. My supper was pretty good: leftover mashed turnip/lentil/squash pie. (I'll reveal the recipe in a later entry) Rosie had a rough day too, because she got locked in the study all day. She must have snuck in this morning and I didn't notice when I closed the door before leaving for work. She and Sid Vicious are now out in the woods hunting while I am trying to figure out if it is worth applying to graduate school for a second time (already have a masters...). If so, is it really worth having to take the damn GRE again?! I think I'll just draw a bath, pour a glass of wine and not think about it tonight. I mean, the applications won't be due until January.... Ho, ho ho!

Cold Enough to Kill a Hog

2006-12-10T20:02:00.000-08:00

This weekend the temperatures dropped into single digits at night. It's the kind of weather for hog killings in the mountains. And that's just what my friends Julie & Shawn did this weekend. Now, I am for the most part vegetarian, because I could never bring myself to kill an animal. Except for fish. So I don't refrain from eating them. (Although I still fill a bit sad about it sometimes. I'm a sentimental wimp.)

Even though I couldn't stomach the actual killing of the poor pigs (there were two), I do appreciate the big social gathering that is a hog killing. I deciding to pitch in by bringing some of the last of the garden goodies to help feed all the folks who gathering to help with the butchering, etc.

I must say that turnips are now giving beets a run for their money in my book. Just like beets, they are simply beautiful to look at. They are the kind of vegetable that is deserving of a still life painting or a portrait. The white bulbous root, braised with a magenta-pink and topped with curled, dark green leaves. The pleasure you get from admiring this plant is almost equal to the pleasure you can get from eating it!

I brought two kinds of turnip greens to the hog killing. Actually, I did a mix of turnip and curly mustard greens. One dish was vegetarian, the other seasoned with andouille sausage from Eunice, Louisiana. The trick to cooking really good, southern-style greens is to really cook them for a long time. Here's what I do (for the veggie-version, just don't use sausage):

*Rinse greens well, roughly chop them and put in a large pot with water. Cover and bring to a boil. Lower heat just enough to continue boiling; stir occasionally.
* In a skillet, sauté onion, garlic and andoille until browned. Add to greens.
* Add salt, black pepper, Tony Chachere's seasoning, a dash or two of cayenne pepper and a few dashes of Bragg's Liquid Aminos (your can substitute Tamari or Soy sauce) and let simmer for a hour or more.

In my book, greens taste best when they nearly melt in your mouth. My mom insists (as do I) that you should never disregard the juices when eating greens, because, that's where the best flavor and the nutrients are. It's called pot-likker, and there is no shame in licking the remains of a good pot of greens! A great way to enjoy greens is to eat them with the other half of the plant... turnips! Mashed turnips are sort of like mashed potatoes, but better. And they are perfect for soaking up the juices from your greens, especially when they are partnered with cornbread. Here's the way I like to fix turnips:

*Clean and peel turnip roots. I don't typically peel the entire turnip, but just peel off the stringy root parts. Chop into large cubes.
*Clean, peel and cube one or two small potatoes (yellow or gold). I recommend using one small potato for every four or five medium to large turnips (a large turnip is about the size of a baseball). You want a lot more turnips than potatos.
* Put turnips and potatoes in a saucepan with water, a dash of olive oil and salt and boil until soft
*Peel and chop garlic to your liking (I like a lot)
*Drain turnips/potatoes and mix together with butter (for Vegan, use Earth Balance or a butter substitute), garlic and a little salt to taste. I prefer to use a mixer, but you can do this easily by hand.

If you've never given turnips a chance, try cooking them like this. I think it just may convert you to the cult of turnip-love. I can happily say that I belong to this cult, in addition, of course to being a member of the church of beet-love.

Note to self: Next year, quadruple the amount of beets and turnips in garden. I'm talking early spring and fall crops, both more than twice the amount I grew this year!

Down In the Basement

2006-12-07T19:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight it is supposed to get down to about 10 degrees. As Bella and I were inside, warming ourselves by the fire, I couldn't help but feel guilty about how comfortable we were compared to the Judy Branch pack huddled in a big furry bundle on the porch. I know that they have fur, and they've survived many winters outside. But I just couldn't get them out of my mind.

So... I invited them all-Frankie Mophead, Bingo, Lucy, Monkey and Sally- into the basement for a sleepover! It's not as warm as upstairs, but it sure beats sleeping in subzero temperatures on a porch dusted with snow.

The process of getting the dogs into the basement was a bit confusing to everyone (my own critters included), because I carried or led them one at a time through the living room and down the steps to the basement. They were incredibly excited by the whole operation. They soon settled in, tails a-wagging, and formed nests on the various bean bags, mats and pillows I fixed up for them.

Sweet dreams to the Judy Branch Pack.

Larry Sparks = Snow

2006-12-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

Every year Larry Sparks comes to play a concert for WMMT in December. And every year, without fail, it snows the day of his arrival. Do you think it's coincidence?! I sure as heck don't. Being a sucker for conspiracy theories, the bizarre and the world of the supernatural, I have several ideas about why this must happen. Perhaps Larry Sparks is Kris Kringle. Or perhaps he controls the weather. I could imagine that Larry has some kind of super-human powers. Can you imagine Larry Sparks as Santa Claus?

Today is the day of the Larry Sparks concert.

There had been talk about snowfall after midnight, but I got up this morning to find that no snow had fallen. I continued on with morning activities, opening the blinds, feeding the critters, making coffee. I should mention that today is also Ms. Faerie Godmother's birthday. She spent the night out on Judy Branch last night, and we enjoyed a cozy night warmed by the fire. We made hot chocolate chocolate chip cookies (with cayenne pepper), drank tea, did some art (card making).

This morning I built up a fire and cooked breakfast for the birthday Queen. By the time we sat down to eat breakfast, the sky had darkened dramatically. I LOVE that about snow. The sky always gives you fair warning that snow is on the way. So does the air. You can taste it when you go outside and feel it in your bones. It starting with flurries a few hours ago. At first it looked like it wasn't going to stick, but then, in a very short spell of time, the ground and tree branches are covered with a light dusting of snow. Now it is snowing, snowing, snowing. Those tiny little flakes that look like they won't add up to much, but always collect more rapidly than big fluffy flakes.

I've kept the fire stoked up most of the day so that Bella, Sid Vicious and Rosie and I can enjoy a day at home watching the snow collect on the trees. I finshed putting together a big thank you package for my super-host & hostess portland friends, and now I'm trying to figure out how to convince myself that I should leave Judy Branch and actually do something today. I'm tempted to just bake more cookies, drink tea and play my banjo by the wood stove....

watch your step

2006-12-03T10:37:00.000-08:00

cats are legendary for their ability to balance on almost any surface and to always land on their feet. but isn't funny that they have very little concept of what constitutes a stable surface for footing? my desk is a continuous entertainment zone when it comes to cat watching. there are all sorts of loosely stacked objects (papers, books, cds) that easily slip under a cat paw, sending both cat and stacked objects flying.

i've been enjoying a sunday morning of talk radio. ever since i moved to kentucky, my main "company" at home has been the radio. if and when i ever leave this place, i think i will miss my favorite radio station,WMMT , nearly as much as i'll miss judy branch.

i have been feeling much more hopeful and alive recently. i'm certain it is because of the temporary relief from the weighty stresses of an uncertain future and unknown potential income. i can rest easy knowing that i'm taken care of for at least a few months. and, as yesterday's old time jam reminded me, i will always be taken care of on the frontiers of music and friendships. i'm excited about diving into new projects and spending more focused time listening to and learning the music that has been such a central part of my life.

luthier friend brooks called to let me know that the little birdie special has begun to come to life! the neck is being built from the wood of an indiana oldtimer's work bench. i am hopeful that the folks sending me to poland will help me buy a touring case for her so that i can carry her with me on my journey. or maybe i'll play it safe and take my first banjo, the art stamper. i suppose i've got time to think on it! in preparation for the poland journey, i am netflixing films by polish filmmakers. last night's feature: Blind Chance, directed by Krzysztof Kieslowski.

How Many Hours in a Day?

2006-11-28T19:01:00.000-08:00

My dad, along with a few close friends, ever so often tries to remind me that there are only 24 hours in a day.

I go through spurts when I try to fit as many possibilities into one day, hour, week (or any given time period) as possible. It isn't something I premeditate. In fact, it's almost instinctual. Or could it be habitual? All I know is that any logical and self-preserving side of my brain becomes overwhelmed with a sense of urgency that I must do A, B, C, D & ...... NOW. Simultaneously, if at all possible.

I am not sure where this instinct is rooted, or, if it is a habit, how it was formed. I had a lot of friends die before reaching 30 (hell, even 21), and I know that probably planted a "life is short and uncertain; live while you can" panic button deep in my soul. even so... i'm not sure why i put myself through this manic pattern: run, run, run until my body, mind and/or psyche force me to collapse.

today is a prime example of what i often do to myself (note: this is in no way meant to be a reflection of a "typical day" in my life. it is meant to reflect an overall pattern i keep repeating). i started my day when my alarm went off at 3:45 AM. my banjo mentor and friend, lee sexton, was having a cataract removed from his eye, and he needed a lift to the pikeville hospital. his appointment was at 6:45 AM, which meant i had to pick him up at his house at 4:45 to get him there on time. it is now 10:22 PM. i did a lot of other things today besides driving to the hospital and back, including an attempt to help neighbor bill figure out/troubleshoot the screwy lighting in my basement, writing reports/proposals, directing a kids' theater rehearsal and meeting with several different people about several different projects. the details are fuzzy, and i am resisting sleep because of this insane sense of urgency that i need to do this and that and something about getting quotes on banjo cases and/or travel banjos b/c someone might buy me a banjo for my trip to poland....

a part of me wants to keep going going going and following up on all these connections, ideas, etc. and that part of me doesn't seem to realize that there's a tomorrow. i really like this part of me. she's the kind of person you'd want to hitchhike around the world with. my sleepless gypsy. but somehow i've got to teach her the delicate art of pace and space.

the pace i'm thinking of is yoga-esque slow breathing pace. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnn............ and ooooooouuuuuuuuuut........
the space i'm thinking of is the soft, multi-layered blissful nest that is my bed.

Blue Bird

2006-11-27T07:03:00.000-08:00

When I first moved into my house on Judy Branch, I found a dead blue bird in my wood stove. Who knows how long its little body had been there. Even more disturbing is to think of how long it was trapped inside that ash-filled box before it finally died.

Yesterday, I prevented that fate from falling upon another bird. I woke to hear rustling from the living room and soon discerned the sound was coming from the stove. I was relieved to find that the bird was trapped in the actual stove and not the pipe. Her chances of survivial were much better this way, and I wouldn't have to worry about if it was worth burning out a birds nest to keep warm at night! Cat Rosie was standing on her back legs with her nose and front paws squished up to the glass window. The bird, understandably, looked like it had lost all hope of surviving this. I mean, even if it did manage to miraculously get out through that window, there was a big nasty cat ready to make bird meat out of her! What a horrible morning she must have been having.

I grabbed a dish cloth, shooed the cat away from the stove door, and gently scooped the little bird out and held her close to my breast. She didn't move. Outside I was greeted by an unseasonably warm, sunny morning. I gently placed my dishcloth swaddle on the potting table and unwrapped the little bird. What the gloom and the ashes inside the stove had prevented me from seeing was a brilliant blue breast and honey maple tipped wings. She uprighted herself, rustled her feathers and immediately flew off beyond sight.

cutting the apron strings

2006-11-26T19:47:00.000-08:00

there are some people that you can be "stuck" with 24 hours a day for several days and never tire of each other's company. i rarely put myself in that situation, and i'm always shocked when i discover that i have spent a significant amount of time in another's company without feeling a strong desire for solitude or escape. a recent trip with my parents required 24-7 companionship for four days. within the first few hours i began to feel an intense desire for alone time.

disclaimer:
i have always been fortunate to have parents that i respect, love and consider friends.

reality check:
a positive relationship and mature friendship with the parents requires we each have plenty of personal space away from each other.

i am relieved to be back home on judy branch. i got back in time to catch the last dance of the cowan creek mountain music school's fall gathering. all the road-weariness dissipated the moment i entered the community center, greeted by old friends and the sounds of square dancing and old time music. i jumped into the band at the next set, playing julianne johnson for twenty minutes. just the cure i was looking for! when i got home i had an urge to call an old friend who has been living in wyoming for several years. was excited that she will flying into south carolina in a few weeks. we have planned a rendezvous at hot springs. cabin is rented, hot tubs will be there for soaking, and we'll have two days to catch each other up on the last five or six years.

today bella and the judy branch pack and i enjoyed unseasonably warm weather as we walked around the holler and up onto cemetery hill to visit the horses and the spirits of judy branch.

other news is that my friend learned that the coal company is making plans to strip mine all the property on her creek. she’s called out the cavalry and is preparing for a big fight. probably the biggest fight of her life. she's been building herself a house for the past three years or more, and now that is all threatened. not to mention a long family history on that land. she told me that this is a time when you really appreciate all the friends you have. as one of those friends, we'll do whatever we can to stop it. so if i get arrested for civil disobedience, you'll know why. it's ironic, maybe even psychic that i started re-reading edward abbey's classic last week.

satisfaction

2006-11-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

the following have brought me to the day's end with a satisfied mind:
throwing/stacking a big old truckload of firewood after a long day's work
a walk and a wrestling match with my somewhat speckled dog, bella (who can jump at least five feet straight up)
an evening out on line fork playing banjo and visiting with lee
the warmth of a wood fire on a chilly night
leftover homemade borscht
news that there is an elephant sanctuary not too far from my home town
knowing that in two days i'll be down in south mississippi visiting with relatives that i haven't seen for nearly a decade and/or have maybe never even met
the promise of a hot bubble bath followed by a bed pre-warmed by two slumbering cats and a dog
mmmmm